Integrate your PCSO into the community!

I should never have left my fantastic job in advertising. I was shit hot at that job. Some folks even said, if I stayed just one more day, my killer copy could bring the entire computer industry to its knees. How much praise is that!

But you never lose the skill, right?

Now there are people in our society crying out for my help. Like the Police. Or, more specifically - because brand identity is key to this new, improved, 21st century leading edge - the Police Community Support Officers.

Those brave PCSO knights in shining armour. They need my help. Seriously.

I know this, because we meet a PCSO today, me and the kids, along with our local home ed group. After thirty minutes listening to him, I have tears in my eyes. I know where my skills are needed most.

Because this PCSO knows less than nothing about home education. He's all wide eyed and sweetly innocent and 'Do you not have to follow the National Curriculum?' and 'Do you have to prove you home educate?'

It's almost like I wanted to take his cute hand and say Hire me! You look so out of touch with our community little fella, that you need some radical image optimisation support! I can do that job! I will put you in touch with the people you serve!

The first thing I would do, obviously, is something about the outfit. People get confused. Like on the truancy patrol. I might think the rozzers are bearing down on me when it is the PCSO.

So we have to make the PCSO look different. Fun. Approachable. Colour coded.

Yellow, we can't use, because I'm saving that for traffic wardens. Red is dangerous, so that sends out the wrong image entirely. Light blue tie-dye, possibly, but it might make them look like drugged up new age hippie types. Maybe silver. That would be good. Those PCSOs would look hi-tech, space-age, super-cool! Little kids would come up and want to know if they were robots, then the PCSOs could take that instant advantage and maybe pretend to be robots! It would be fantastic. A real breakthrough down-with-the-youth moment!

Image change need not be expensive, I will say, because tin foil is cheap. We could wrap that round hats. It makes very good modelling material, so we could sculpt fashionable curly bits like antennae! You see? I bet you are wishing Grit could make over your entire image today!

That's just the start. We could broaden their appeal for everyone. We could make a Simon Cowell pop group out of some PCSOs, or do a summer promotion where you have to collect maybe a dozen stamps from your local PCSOs and then you get a prize like a barbecue. And they could do other things too, like open new shops and become celebrities. People would love them and want to be like them!

These are all fantastic ideas, I know you'll agree. And I'm sure your friendly PCSO will agree too, because I truly believe they want to understand home educators, especially the bolshy ones they're bound to encounter on the next truancy patrol.

So I give you these ideas for free. I would love your home ed group to pin down your PCSO and maybe the Educational Welfare Officer too, and integrate them into our communities.

Of course I accept it is easier to inform your friendly PCSO about home education by distributing examples of good practice. Like this Local Authority guidance on home education, drawing their attention particularly to Section 1.8.

But it is not quite as much fun as the opportunity to make them a tin foil hat.

Thank you Richard Vaughan! Grit's new job is PROSTITUTE!

Hey, Richard! Writer of the article on HOME EDUCATION for the TES! Yes, you! You wrote the article published 12 June!

Richard, you might have saved us.

Since I gave up a full time job to HOME EDUCATE my children, I've become used to making decisions, like, do I buy new boots at John Lewis for £180? Or do I buy used shoes at the RSPCA charity shop for £3? Well, sometimes there's no real choice, because my kids need books, resources, outings, computer stuff and art materials. And tell me about the cost of those acrylics!

Well you obviously appreciate that home educators don't usually receive money from the state just because they've chosen a different way of education from you. Not a bit. Usually, it's a big hit on our time, commitment, energy, and pockets.

Which is why your suggestion is just tickety-boo! It could be a nice little earner, no? Don't be SHY! It was you, wasn't it Richard, who conflated the article on HOME EDUCATION with this paragraph on PROSTITUTION?

The Department for Children, Schools and Families has issued new guidance with the Home Office to safeguard children from sexual exploitation and prostitution. It revises guidelines published in 2000 in a report, Safeguarding Children involved in Prostitution. Delyth Morgan called all frontline professionals to work together to identify children at risk of sexual exploitation and take the 'best steps to keep them safe from harm'.

Of course you know that home education often means learning things together with our children. So if my child is now living in a world where HOME EDUCATION and PROSTITUTION can be dealt with as if they are pretty much one and the same thing, of course they should know about it.

Well, I'm their teacher! I'll find out first!

Now bear with me Richard, because I'm new to this game, and I may not have all the lingo just yet. I've done my advertising on the back lanes.


And I've had a little rummage in the wardrobe and come up with this. Do you think it will help?


Look a bit closer, Richard. Something might tickle your fancy.


Sorry, I don't have all the face mask stuff yet. I found these eye patch things that Dig bought back from an aeroplane.


Ohh la la, Richard!


And when we are very naughty, Richard, I could read to you about THE BATTLE OF BOSWORTH.


And then we could get down to some serious work. Again, you'll have to forgive me. It's just what we've got in the cleaning cupboard right now.

Well, Richard. Big Boy. Thanks for suggesting this angle. Me, I would NEVER have THOUGHT that HOME EDUCATION AND PROSTITUTION BELONG TOGETHER.

I should give you a discount.*

*But sadly, due to irritating ideas about accuracy, decency and fairness in this country, I've been forced to accompany the opening of my new business with a letter to the Press Complaints Commission.