And I suppose now we all have to make resolutions. Tsk. The excitement never stops. Always something going on. Then here's three.
1. Stop eating while walking about the house. If I see the children doing this I tell them off. And if I see Dig walking into the front room holding a cheese sandwich I tell him off too. But if I wander about clutching a few bits of cereal in my hand for breakfast I say I am too busy so I am allowed. People are beginning to notice and I have even heard talk of double standards.
2. Stop cleaning the shower while standing in it. This is a ridiculous idea and I wish I would stop it. For a start I get the cleaning cloth and face flannel mixed up because both look like grey bits of old towel. And by the bye I would quite like to imagine myself as that woman off the Badebas soap foam advert when in the shower, and not Hilda Ogden.
3. Stop living in chaos. Oh dear. Aunty Dee's Christmas presents are still waiting to be picked up at the paint-your-own ceramic studio, while Aunty Dee has been and gone. How was I to know the stupid shop would be closed between Christmas and New Year (apart from look at the information on the door in big red letters headed 'We are closed between December 24 and January 3')?
But I realise that New Year is not just about stop this and stop that. So here are three Must Try Harders. Now I've written that it looks like a rude instruction. Normally I'd edit it, but I'll leave it today because in the spirit of wild New Year's Eve abandon I have had a Martini.
1. Be a better vegan. I am a crap vegan because people are always cooking cakes and biscuits and puddings with eggs and cream in them. The fat and milk substitutes are easy at the expense of a rainforest or two to supply the soya and palm oil, but I must plan to have egg substitute and then convince everyone to try it. (I could be a better vegetarian too when Dig starts waving salmon about. I need to remember fish are our friends and not dinner.)
2. Perform a random act of kindness once a week. I will try to do this and in the proper thing of it too, and not just grab hold of some suspicious old lady who doesn't want help crossing the road but is an easy target to blog about.
3. I promise, I really do promise, to be a better correspondent and communicator to the lovely people I am so proud to know like Zia and Luna and Oo and Isbel and Brid and Big Kate and Fran and everyone that I think about often and see rarely. I promise, I really do. And that's a resolution.
Happy New Year.
Monday, 31 December 2007
Sunday, 30 December 2007
Reflection and prediction
As if being stuck at home eating the wallpaper isn't bad enough, here are ten things I have to live with in the final days of 2007:
1. The neighbours have stopped inflating the reindeer, as recorded in this blog on Thursday 6th December. Below is a picture of it as evidence. It shows just the sort of thing that drove me to Cheshire in the first place.
2. Tiger screaming. She has been doing this a lot today. This is, I suspect, because Aunty Dee is driving back to Morpeth and therefore represents the removal of a significant adult. I have hidden the knitting needles just in case things get worse.
3. The new window cleaner we acquired two weeks ago and who did not appear for his first appointment appears at the front door today with his leg in plaster. Apparently he spent Christmas Eve in A&E having fallen off his ladder. Bodes well doesn't it?
4. The back door into the yard has fallen off its hinges completely. I cannot prop it back in the hole. I have wedged the fallen off door against the hole with a school table I bought at the tip two years ago which had the words 'Jessica Curtis is a slag' scratched on it in biro. Although the door and table combination is a solution of sorts, they do not conceal the contents of our back yard. Although the contents are mostly discarded bottles of paint and children's garden furniture, I am sure Burglar Bill is eyeing us up, so I have found the telephone number of the local police station in preparation.
5. Dig is flying to India in a few days time and is complaining about it. For now, Grit and the junior Grits are not going anywhere, except the front room, where we get a fine view of the privet. We might go somewhere later, but I am not counting my chickens in case foxes attend the counting ceremony.
6. The data disk is still broken. We have tried to be optimistic about this and think constructively of other uses for it, like door prop or garlic crusher. But in reality, no matter which way we look at a broken data disk, it is a disaster.
7. I cannot get to the sales no matter how hard I try. I am quickly descending into one of those life-is-pointless depressive periods and hope to buy my way out of it with a pair of earrings. Of course this attempt, even if I were successfully able to go to John Lewis, is doomed to failure. Would you put a silk hat on an old sow?
8. Someone has numbered the bananas. I look in the fruit bowl and there, carefully written on all the peels are the numbers 1 to 10. I suspect this is Squirrel, who is growing keen on inventory systems. She might be showing early promise as a librarian. It has had the desired effect, because I dare not eat one of the bananas in case I find that I have eaten the one not allocated to me and therefore cause a family argument.
9. I am working, intermittently, at typesetting a book. The editor, SS, is a git, and will find an error. Perhaps I'll have missed an italic setting on a word in Chapter 3. SS won't email back a list of corrections such as follows:
'Chapter 3 page 33, line 14 word 'speech' to be in italics.'
Oh no. SS will email back:
'Once again I have to check the work. This lack of professional care suggests appalling low standards and total disrespect for an author's work. I think it is time to review this situation.'
Just like before.
10. The end of one year and the beginning of the new is, I suppose, a time for reflection and prediction. Here's mine. The above in sum probably means the early days of 2008 will start much in the way that 2007 finished.
1. The neighbours have stopped inflating the reindeer, as recorded in this blog on Thursday 6th December. Below is a picture of it as evidence. It shows just the sort of thing that drove me to Cheshire in the first place.
2. Tiger screaming. She has been doing this a lot today. This is, I suspect, because Aunty Dee is driving back to Morpeth and therefore represents the removal of a significant adult. I have hidden the knitting needles just in case things get worse.
3. The new window cleaner we acquired two weeks ago and who did not appear for his first appointment appears at the front door today with his leg in plaster. Apparently he spent Christmas Eve in A&E having fallen off his ladder. Bodes well doesn't it?
4. The back door into the yard has fallen off its hinges completely. I cannot prop it back in the hole. I have wedged the fallen off door against the hole with a school table I bought at the tip two years ago which had the words 'Jessica Curtis is a slag' scratched on it in biro. Although the door and table combination is a solution of sorts, they do not conceal the contents of our back yard. Although the contents are mostly discarded bottles of paint and children's garden furniture, I am sure Burglar Bill is eyeing us up, so I have found the telephone number of the local police station in preparation.
5. Dig is flying to India in a few days time and is complaining about it. For now, Grit and the junior Grits are not going anywhere, except the front room, where we get a fine view of the privet. We might go somewhere later, but I am not counting my chickens in case foxes attend the counting ceremony.
6. The data disk is still broken. We have tried to be optimistic about this and think constructively of other uses for it, like door prop or garlic crusher. But in reality, no matter which way we look at a broken data disk, it is a disaster.
7. I cannot get to the sales no matter how hard I try. I am quickly descending into one of those life-is-pointless depressive periods and hope to buy my way out of it with a pair of earrings. Of course this attempt, even if I were successfully able to go to John Lewis, is doomed to failure. Would you put a silk hat on an old sow?
8. Someone has numbered the bananas. I look in the fruit bowl and there, carefully written on all the peels are the numbers 1 to 10. I suspect this is Squirrel, who is growing keen on inventory systems. She might be showing early promise as a librarian. It has had the desired effect, because I dare not eat one of the bananas in case I find that I have eaten the one not allocated to me and therefore cause a family argument.
9. I am working, intermittently, at typesetting a book. The editor, SS, is a git, and will find an error. Perhaps I'll have missed an italic setting on a word in Chapter 3. SS won't email back a list of corrections such as follows:
'Chapter 3 page 33, line 14 word 'speech' to be in italics.'
Oh no. SS will email back:
'Once again I have to check the work. This lack of professional care suggests appalling low standards and total disrespect for an author's work. I think it is time to review this situation.'
Just like before.
10. The end of one year and the beginning of the new is, I suppose, a time for reflection and prediction. Here's mine. The above in sum probably means the early days of 2008 will start much in the way that 2007 finished.
Saturday, 29 December 2007
Dinner plans
Whose great idea is this? Dig says it's mine, but I say Grit might have had a bang on the head so it must be Dig's.
This is the idea. For the three days that Aunty Dee is here, Dig's handed over cooking to Tiger, Squirrel and Shark. They're each to take a day, and the challenge is to choose a three-course dinner menu, and cook it. For this they must shop if necessary, prepare food that is delightful in appearance, appetising, nutritious, vegetarian, fits within the organisation and routines of the kitchen, is environmentally friendly and would, of course, win junior Masterchef, if only we had the application forms.
Yesterday Tiger set the pace. Five hours in the kitchen produced a menu that would give Gordon Ramsay pause for thought and in a competition with Nigella Lawson would mean that Team Tiger would WIN and mummy Grit would get to tie Nigella Lawson's thumbs together behind her back with her apron ties and push her smug face into a bucket of cold dough.
Where was I? Oh yes, Tiger chose cream of onion soup and herb croutons to start, then individual macaroni cheese pies for main course. Along with those came courgette salad and potatoes dressed three ways (mayonnaise, vinaigrette, sweet and spicy). For pudding was compote of pears and vanilla with mascarpone and ginger. Mummy Grit helped with timetabling, clearing up, and in-and-out the oven work while Tiger did all chopping, stirring, working at the hob, composing, presenting and serving. Daddy Dig thought it was so good he went about choosing wines and calculating the cost.
And today it's Squirrel's turn. Here's her menu proposal. Fairy muffins followed by butterfly cakes, mini meringues, pretty fairy fudge, marzipan toadstools, peppermint creams, chocolate truffles, and blancmange. At this point, mummy Grit confiscates the Fairy Cooking book and tells Squirrel that her dining partners want some decent nosh when they've had a hard day loafing about on the sofa and staring at computers, so we'll make it a tomato and mozzarella salad, rustic Italian-inspired broth and oh alright then, because now there's tears, we'll make a concession about the chocolate blancmange so long as mummy Grit doesn't have to eat it.
Well now we've done the Squirrel screaming and mummy Grit slamming about the kitchen threatening to cook the ruddy book for dinner instead of cake, cake and more cake, tomorrow we can look forward to Shark's turn. And she's already decided. Shark is using Roald Dahl's Revolting Recipes, and has chosen to prepare witch's green soup, mud burgers and edible wallpaper.
At this point Dig reminds me that if it wasn't for this stupid idea, which must of course be his, then we two adults could behave like proper grown ups who could have left Aunty Dee babysitting tonight and snook off for a decent dinner down at the Drummer's. Tomorrow we could all have enjoyed a buffet curry at the local balti house and Dig could have got his chops round a chicken jalfrezi.
Well as it is, Grit gets to spend three days in the kitchen supervising small people and making edible wallpaper. There. Ridiculous idea Dig. I wish you'd think these things through.
And to keep up on the new year resolution, even though it is not yet new year, here's a blurred and strangely elongated picture of Squirrel chopping a parsnip.
This is the idea. For the three days that Aunty Dee is here, Dig's handed over cooking to Tiger, Squirrel and Shark. They're each to take a day, and the challenge is to choose a three-course dinner menu, and cook it. For this they must shop if necessary, prepare food that is delightful in appearance, appetising, nutritious, vegetarian, fits within the organisation and routines of the kitchen, is environmentally friendly and would, of course, win junior Masterchef, if only we had the application forms.
Yesterday Tiger set the pace. Five hours in the kitchen produced a menu that would give Gordon Ramsay pause for thought and in a competition with Nigella Lawson would mean that Team Tiger would WIN and mummy Grit would get to tie Nigella Lawson's thumbs together behind her back with her apron ties and push her smug face into a bucket of cold dough.
Where was I? Oh yes, Tiger chose cream of onion soup and herb croutons to start, then individual macaroni cheese pies for main course. Along with those came courgette salad and potatoes dressed three ways (mayonnaise, vinaigrette, sweet and spicy). For pudding was compote of pears and vanilla with mascarpone and ginger. Mummy Grit helped with timetabling, clearing up, and in-and-out the oven work while Tiger did all chopping, stirring, working at the hob, composing, presenting and serving. Daddy Dig thought it was so good he went about choosing wines and calculating the cost.
And today it's Squirrel's turn. Here's her menu proposal. Fairy muffins followed by butterfly cakes, mini meringues, pretty fairy fudge, marzipan toadstools, peppermint creams, chocolate truffles, and blancmange. At this point, mummy Grit confiscates the Fairy Cooking book and tells Squirrel that her dining partners want some decent nosh when they've had a hard day loafing about on the sofa and staring at computers, so we'll make it a tomato and mozzarella salad, rustic Italian-inspired broth and oh alright then, because now there's tears, we'll make a concession about the chocolate blancmange so long as mummy Grit doesn't have to eat it.
Well now we've done the Squirrel screaming and mummy Grit slamming about the kitchen threatening to cook the ruddy book for dinner instead of cake, cake and more cake, tomorrow we can look forward to Shark's turn. And she's already decided. Shark is using Roald Dahl's Revolting Recipes, and has chosen to prepare witch's green soup, mud burgers and edible wallpaper.
At this point Dig reminds me that if it wasn't for this stupid idea, which must of course be his, then we two adults could behave like proper grown ups who could have left Aunty Dee babysitting tonight and snook off for a decent dinner down at the Drummer's. Tomorrow we could all have enjoyed a buffet curry at the local balti house and Dig could have got his chops round a chicken jalfrezi.
Well as it is, Grit gets to spend three days in the kitchen supervising small people and making edible wallpaper. There. Ridiculous idea Dig. I wish you'd think these things through.
And to keep up on the new year resolution, even though it is not yet new year, here's a blurred and strangely elongated picture of Squirrel chopping a parsnip.
Friday, 28 December 2007
Target practice
First time out the house for nearly a week and what do I do? Fill a plastic jug with cold water and throw it at the neighbour's cat stuck up a tree.
Thursday, 27 December 2007
Cleaning up for Aunty Dee
All day I spend tidying the house so that Aunty Dee can stay over at the Pile for three nights without thinking she might be living in the town dump.
This is not my Aunty, by the way, this is the children's aunty. She is Dig's sister and Grit's sister in law. Just to clear up any confusion there.
Aunty Dee is also the twin sister of Evangelical Vee, with whom she has just spent Christmas, probably being in a clean and Godly environment which is not covered in broken Playmobil and mould. In fact Evangelical Vee didn't get her name for nothing. She is very Godly and sells harps in Wales. No, seriously. I'm not making that up. We don't see Evangelical Vee much. When we do, I don't say much, mostly on account of the evangelism. This can make it very difficult to have any conversation without God interrupting, reminding everyone how much good he does everywhere, and where he can be found, should I care to look. Under the bookcase or behind the chest of drawers, I expect, along with the Lego.
Anyway, painfully aware that Aunty Dee, whom I treasure very much, will come straight to us from a clean and Godly environment, I turn my attention to the cellar bedroom.
First I clear up all the farm animals, railway track, Playmobil people and aeroplanes from the cellar bedroom floor so that it does not look like Satan's nursery. Sadly, I note that one Playmobil person is positioned standing upright, laughing maniacally, holding a shovel. The other sad little Playmobil person, lying at his feet, has no head. Beside them both is a pile of Playmobil horse poo. I'm not saying it was deliberate, but there seems to be a lot of Playmobil people lined up on the railway track, too.
Once I've cleared away these scenes of torture, I make a wardrobe happen. The wardrobe is one of those wooden plank and linen cloth arrangements that Oo has contributed to our eclectic range of household furniture. Oo's wardrobe involves tripping over it, trying to balance bits of it on my head, inserting twenty screws and swearing a great deal. In fact there is so much swearing I didn't realise I knew so many naughty words and could cohere them so quickly together. Obviously, I try not to swear with God in it at all, just in case Evangelical Vee turns out to be right and I am condemned to live all eternity up Satan's bottom.
Next, it's clean up time for the leaky cellar bathroom which has resulted in mould and fallen-off tiles. If cleanliness is next to Godliness, there is no way he's coming in here. I attack the limescale on the wash basin taps with a screwdriver and stab the plughole with a pair of tweezers. I'm aiming to get out the hairy stuff that always goes down the plughole even though no one ever washes hair here.
Pushing after the tweezers a twisted up coathanger, a selection of household cutlery and three screwdrivers starts to look like deliberate bathroom sabotage and a determination that God's not going to find his way up the plughole, so I try not to do it more than is necessary.
And so, by the afternoon, with a newly put-up wardrobe, a cleaned-up floor and a sink with a screwdriver stuck in it, I am well on the way to accommodating guests. Just the bedding to go.
Now I don't know what it's like in your house, but bedding is a nightmare here. The covers never match the duvets. The pillowcases never match the covers. The duvets never fit the beds. To disguise the entire mess I might throw over a length of fluffy fabric in the hope that it suggests sensuous exotica. In reality it looks like a dog's bed. Then I wonder if exotica and animals might not be a Godly visual message to send out and hide the fluffy cover, just in case.
Although I did not find God behind the towel rail, I'm counting my hours of labour today as a cleaning success. From chaos to order. From dirt to not-quite-as-much dirt. From black mould to, well, black mould. And although I cannot supply God, with newly cleaned and restored surroundings, I hope that the transition for Aunty Dee is not too uncomfortable.
This is not my Aunty, by the way, this is the children's aunty. She is Dig's sister and Grit's sister in law. Just to clear up any confusion there.
Aunty Dee is also the twin sister of Evangelical Vee, with whom she has just spent Christmas, probably being in a clean and Godly environment which is not covered in broken Playmobil and mould. In fact Evangelical Vee didn't get her name for nothing. She is very Godly and sells harps in Wales. No, seriously. I'm not making that up. We don't see Evangelical Vee much. When we do, I don't say much, mostly on account of the evangelism. This can make it very difficult to have any conversation without God interrupting, reminding everyone how much good he does everywhere, and where he can be found, should I care to look. Under the bookcase or behind the chest of drawers, I expect, along with the Lego.
Anyway, painfully aware that Aunty Dee, whom I treasure very much, will come straight to us from a clean and Godly environment, I turn my attention to the cellar bedroom.
First I clear up all the farm animals, railway track, Playmobil people and aeroplanes from the cellar bedroom floor so that it does not look like Satan's nursery. Sadly, I note that one Playmobil person is positioned standing upright, laughing maniacally, holding a shovel. The other sad little Playmobil person, lying at his feet, has no head. Beside them both is a pile of Playmobil horse poo. I'm not saying it was deliberate, but there seems to be a lot of Playmobil people lined up on the railway track, too.
Once I've cleared away these scenes of torture, I make a wardrobe happen. The wardrobe is one of those wooden plank and linen cloth arrangements that Oo has contributed to our eclectic range of household furniture. Oo's wardrobe involves tripping over it, trying to balance bits of it on my head, inserting twenty screws and swearing a great deal. In fact there is so much swearing I didn't realise I knew so many naughty words and could cohere them so quickly together. Obviously, I try not to swear with God in it at all, just in case Evangelical Vee turns out to be right and I am condemned to live all eternity up Satan's bottom.
Next, it's clean up time for the leaky cellar bathroom which has resulted in mould and fallen-off tiles. If cleanliness is next to Godliness, there is no way he's coming in here. I attack the limescale on the wash basin taps with a screwdriver and stab the plughole with a pair of tweezers. I'm aiming to get out the hairy stuff that always goes down the plughole even though no one ever washes hair here.
Pushing after the tweezers a twisted up coathanger, a selection of household cutlery and three screwdrivers starts to look like deliberate bathroom sabotage and a determination that God's not going to find his way up the plughole, so I try not to do it more than is necessary.
And so, by the afternoon, with a newly put-up wardrobe, a cleaned-up floor and a sink with a screwdriver stuck in it, I am well on the way to accommodating guests. Just the bedding to go.
Now I don't know what it's like in your house, but bedding is a nightmare here. The covers never match the duvets. The pillowcases never match the covers. The duvets never fit the beds. To disguise the entire mess I might throw over a length of fluffy fabric in the hope that it suggests sensuous exotica. In reality it looks like a dog's bed. Then I wonder if exotica and animals might not be a Godly visual message to send out and hide the fluffy cover, just in case.
Although I did not find God behind the towel rail, I'm counting my hours of labour today as a cleaning success. From chaos to order. From dirt to not-quite-as-much dirt. From black mould to, well, black mould. And although I cannot supply God, with newly cleaned and restored surroundings, I hope that the transition for Aunty Dee is not too uncomfortable.
Wednesday, 26 December 2007
What shall we do today?
According to BBC Radio 4 news it is Boxing Day. Oh no! I should be in a shopping frenzy somewhere on a UK high street!
Clearly, I am not. And I realise with pain and regret that my true place was there, united with the people of this nation, focusing together our contribution to the great commercial enterprise of our society, supporting the oppressed of the UK retail sector, and somehow, through that endeavour, grabbing hold of those bargains before anybody else while simultaneously showing off from the heights of a moral high ground with a range of home-made shopping bags.
I am sad. I have missed out on a great event of British cultural significance.
So here's a picture of a balloon modeller and a balloon modeller's output.
(The balloon modeller is wearing an Egyptian hat. Obviously.)
Clearly, I am not. And I realise with pain and regret that my true place was there, united with the people of this nation, focusing together our contribution to the great commercial enterprise of our society, supporting the oppressed of the UK retail sector, and somehow, through that endeavour, grabbing hold of those bargains before anybody else while simultaneously showing off from the heights of a moral high ground with a range of home-made shopping bags.
I am sad. I have missed out on a great event of British cultural significance.
So here's a picture of a balloon modeller and a balloon modeller's output.
(The balloon modeller is wearing an Egyptian hat. Obviously.)
Tuesday, 25 December 2007
When do the arguments start?
Today has not been unsatisfactory. Here's why.
1. Thanks to Our Supreme Leader, Hobbycraft, the little junior Grits have been quite well catered for and busy all day long, making candles, pictures with acrylic and chalk, balloon modelled owls, bead necklaces, embroidery samplers, and a statue of a dolphin.
2. Dig says the average family argument starts at 10.30 am. Surprisingly, there have been few arguments here today. At 2pm Squirrel had a big to-do over whose make-your-own candle set it was, and no, Tiger couldn't have a go. This was excellent news for Grit who now has a perfect excuse to get Tiger to Hobbycraft as soon as possible during the sale and use the purchase of another make-your-own candle set as an excuse to worship in the aisles where there are those cute little red glass love hearts on wire stems.
3. Although Grit has lost the presents she bought at the charity shop because she stowed them away in a cupboard somewhere and now cannot remember where, she consoles herself with the thought that they will turn up in time for a birthday.
4. Sarah's vegan Christmas pud turned out very well. We use this every year and it is excellent.
5. Dig has been quite nice and not at all complaining about airports / visas / crashed computer disks / Christmas presents costing too much at Hobbycraft / the fact that there are baked potatoes for the main course at lunch today because Grit is anti-Christmas dinner and wants to play with the bead set instead.
6. I manage to watch Coronation Street on TV. This is possibly the first time this year. That John's a bit unlikely, isn't he?
7. Tomorrow Tiger, Shark and Squirrel are opening more presents and perusing all cards and good wishes from friends and family near and far. And I promise to thank all these folk most warmly and personally but thank them here, now, as well. Because I don't think we deserve your thoughts, generosity and kindness, but am jolly appreciative of them.
8. Grit has a bottle of Laphroaig. And it's looking at her this very moment.
Happy Christmas!
1. Thanks to Our Supreme Leader, Hobbycraft, the little junior Grits have been quite well catered for and busy all day long, making candles, pictures with acrylic and chalk, balloon modelled owls, bead necklaces, embroidery samplers, and a statue of a dolphin.
2. Dig says the average family argument starts at 10.30 am. Surprisingly, there have been few arguments here today. At 2pm Squirrel had a big to-do over whose make-your-own candle set it was, and no, Tiger couldn't have a go. This was excellent news for Grit who now has a perfect excuse to get Tiger to Hobbycraft as soon as possible during the sale and use the purchase of another make-your-own candle set as an excuse to worship in the aisles where there are those cute little red glass love hearts on wire stems.
3. Although Grit has lost the presents she bought at the charity shop because she stowed them away in a cupboard somewhere and now cannot remember where, she consoles herself with the thought that they will turn up in time for a birthday.
4. Sarah's vegan Christmas pud turned out very well. We use this every year and it is excellent.
5. Dig has been quite nice and not at all complaining about airports / visas / crashed computer disks / Christmas presents costing too much at Hobbycraft / the fact that there are baked potatoes for the main course at lunch today because Grit is anti-Christmas dinner and wants to play with the bead set instead.
6. I manage to watch Coronation Street on TV. This is possibly the first time this year. That John's a bit unlikely, isn't he?
7. Tomorrow Tiger, Shark and Squirrel are opening more presents and perusing all cards and good wishes from friends and family near and far. And I promise to thank all these folk most warmly and personally but thank them here, now, as well. Because I don't think we deserve your thoughts, generosity and kindness, but am jolly appreciative of them.
8. Grit has a bottle of Laphroaig. And it's looking at her this very moment.
Happy Christmas!
Monday, 24 December 2007
Is it Christmas Eve?
A party! A party! Grit and Dig and all the junior Grits have been invited to a party! Quite frankly, this is amazing. We never get invited anywhere and, if we are, Tiger is sick down the back of someone's leg so we never get invited again.
But this party is The Hat's hosting, and she's more sanguine than most about sick stains. She's also kind hearted, laid back, and forgiving: qualities which are essential when dealing socially with la famille Grit and Dig on a night out.
The first thing la famille Grit and Dig need forgiving for is arriving over an hour late thanks to Shark, Squirrel and Tiger refusing to be peeled off the sofa during Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
The second thing we need forgiving for is the cat. Sorry about the cat. I apologise for this wherever we go. Dogs too. It's just a mass hysteria thing. Please forgive us. Just get rid of the cat on the stairs licking its bum. Get rid of it now or we're going to scream and stampede. Yes. Right now. Or else.
The third thing we need forgiving for is the rag tag of presents we come equipped with. For example, Shark offers home-made soap put in a box formerly used for office equipment. The box bears the bar code and label which reads OfficeConnect Power Adapter (UK). This temporarily confuses The Hat who might think we have brought her some form of office electronics. The stink which arises from the box when she opens it tells her otherwise. 'That's Shark's' I say by way of explanation. 'And that's the result of our chemistry lessons this term' I add. And not exactly with pride. Fruit-flavoured rose-scented purple soap with gravel in it. Can't think why it's not been marketed professionally.
Then we need forgiving because we are there, actually at the party in someone else's house. Squirrel, Shark and Tiger are suddenly very shy. Squirrel, Shark and Tiger do their hiding behind each other routine. This takes place in a small front room with a lot of people looking on in bemusement. Today the hiding routine takes the form of Squirrel, Shark and Tiger going round and round in a tight little circle paying special interest in the carpet and pretending not to hear anyone say hello or how are you.
Then of course we need forgiving for mummy Grit's awkward attempt at overcoming this slightly difficult social situation by ushering Squirrel, Shark and Tiger straight into the kitchen where there are grapes. After five minutes we have polished off the grapes and need forgiving about that. Then we start on the bread. And the cheese-topped potato. And the crisps, fruit salad, and lemon tart. Sorry about that everyone. Please forgive us.
Then when the food's cleared, we need to forgive mummy Grit for saying 'Not bloody likely' when the musical instruments come round. Apparently the front room is now full of musicians who are going to play a spot of live music so it's time to join in. This is typical of The Hat. Just when you thought you'd sussed it, out comes the Vietnamese frog and the triangle and, by the way, you're dancing. Do forgive me for clinging to the wall like that.
Finally, I apologise to Moss, who is The Hat's husband and who now lives in Oxford and Kuwait instead of Oxford and Iraq. If you're wondering where your 2003 Chateau Laroque Grand Cru Saint Emillion went that you hid behind the fridge, apologies. It was me.
You see, it's that time of year. Forgiveness is all.
But this party is The Hat's hosting, and she's more sanguine than most about sick stains. She's also kind hearted, laid back, and forgiving: qualities which are essential when dealing socially with la famille Grit and Dig on a night out.
The first thing la famille Grit and Dig need forgiving for is arriving over an hour late thanks to Shark, Squirrel and Tiger refusing to be peeled off the sofa during Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
The second thing we need forgiving for is the cat. Sorry about the cat. I apologise for this wherever we go. Dogs too. It's just a mass hysteria thing. Please forgive us. Just get rid of the cat on the stairs licking its bum. Get rid of it now or we're going to scream and stampede. Yes. Right now. Or else.
The third thing we need forgiving for is the rag tag of presents we come equipped with. For example, Shark offers home-made soap put in a box formerly used for office equipment. The box bears the bar code and label which reads OfficeConnect Power Adapter (UK). This temporarily confuses The Hat who might think we have brought her some form of office electronics. The stink which arises from the box when she opens it tells her otherwise. 'That's Shark's' I say by way of explanation. 'And that's the result of our chemistry lessons this term' I add. And not exactly with pride. Fruit-flavoured rose-scented purple soap with gravel in it. Can't think why it's not been marketed professionally.
Then we need forgiving because we are there, actually at the party in someone else's house. Squirrel, Shark and Tiger are suddenly very shy. Squirrel, Shark and Tiger do their hiding behind each other routine. This takes place in a small front room with a lot of people looking on in bemusement. Today the hiding routine takes the form of Squirrel, Shark and Tiger going round and round in a tight little circle paying special interest in the carpet and pretending not to hear anyone say hello or how are you.
Then of course we need forgiving for mummy Grit's awkward attempt at overcoming this slightly difficult social situation by ushering Squirrel, Shark and Tiger straight into the kitchen where there are grapes. After five minutes we have polished off the grapes and need forgiving about that. Then we start on the bread. And the cheese-topped potato. And the crisps, fruit salad, and lemon tart. Sorry about that everyone. Please forgive us.
Then when the food's cleared, we need to forgive mummy Grit for saying 'Not bloody likely' when the musical instruments come round. Apparently the front room is now full of musicians who are going to play a spot of live music so it's time to join in. This is typical of The Hat. Just when you thought you'd sussed it, out comes the Vietnamese frog and the triangle and, by the way, you're dancing. Do forgive me for clinging to the wall like that.
Finally, I apologise to Moss, who is The Hat's husband and who now lives in Oxford and Kuwait instead of Oxford and Iraq. If you're wondering where your 2003 Chateau Laroque Grand Cru Saint Emillion went that you hid behind the fridge, apologies. It was me.
You see, it's that time of year. Forgiveness is all.
Sunday, 23 December 2007
Achievements
Dig says this is a day of achievement. So here it is.
Big Bro, a bloke called Stew and an Alsatian called Fangs arrive. Big Bro and Stew pick up the Clio. Big Bro changes the ignition coil first, which takes all of five minutes, so Ya Boo Sucks to Pissed off receptionist at Clio garage. I told you so.
Big Bro and a bloke called Stew also load onto a pick-up truck the little red two-seater Suzuki Cappuccino suitable for a non-child owning couple. This darling of a motor has sat at the bottom of the garden rotting for nigh on seven years. Two years ago it failed an MOT and hasn't moved since. Car maintenance is not something we're strong on in this house, so Stew's dad Mick is going to take a look at it. He's a welder and should know a thing or two.
Fangs did not take any part in the car proceedings, probably preferring to sleep off last night's Winalot in the back of a pick-up truck. This is just as well, because if Shark, Squirrel or Tiger had clapped eyes on Fangs we would have had to call an ambulance for the resuscitation expertise.
Squirrel cajoles Shark into doing what she calls 'princess make-up'. Princess make-up involves drawing a love heart on one cheek, adding a pair of curly eyebrows, two pink cheeks and some strawberry lip gloss. Shark obliges and off they disappear into the back bedroom. After ten minutes Shark is slamming about the office and would be swearing like a trooper if she knew how. When I see Squirrel, I understand. I say never mind, eyebrows are difficult. And I could get used to the two slugs strapped to her forehead.
The Grit and Dig family go to the theatre for some light Christmas entertainment. Oh how jolly this one is. Woman has overdue baby and goes to witch for help. Witch says she will help on condition that child is given to witch. Woman says no. Witch puts curse on child. Child is born anyway. Child is awkward little sod. Child is rebellious. Child is teenager, hangs around in gangs, fights, sniffs glue. Child burns down house. Grit walks out. Grit sits in car reading Lonely Planet guide to Britain, planning escape route to Portsmouth.
Dig solves dropped-off waste toilet pipe by banging the pipe back on with a hammer and propping it up with a CD case. Unusually far-sighted for Dig, he removes the CD first.
There. This is probably about as much achievement as a woman can take.
Big Bro, a bloke called Stew and an Alsatian called Fangs arrive. Big Bro and Stew pick up the Clio. Big Bro changes the ignition coil first, which takes all of five minutes, so Ya Boo Sucks to Pissed off receptionist at Clio garage. I told you so.
Big Bro and a bloke called Stew also load onto a pick-up truck the little red two-seater Suzuki Cappuccino suitable for a non-child owning couple. This darling of a motor has sat at the bottom of the garden rotting for nigh on seven years. Two years ago it failed an MOT and hasn't moved since. Car maintenance is not something we're strong on in this house, so Stew's dad Mick is going to take a look at it. He's a welder and should know a thing or two.
Fangs did not take any part in the car proceedings, probably preferring to sleep off last night's Winalot in the back of a pick-up truck. This is just as well, because if Shark, Squirrel or Tiger had clapped eyes on Fangs we would have had to call an ambulance for the resuscitation expertise.
Squirrel cajoles Shark into doing what she calls 'princess make-up'. Princess make-up involves drawing a love heart on one cheek, adding a pair of curly eyebrows, two pink cheeks and some strawberry lip gloss. Shark obliges and off they disappear into the back bedroom. After ten minutes Shark is slamming about the office and would be swearing like a trooper if she knew how. When I see Squirrel, I understand. I say never mind, eyebrows are difficult. And I could get used to the two slugs strapped to her forehead.
The Grit and Dig family go to the theatre for some light Christmas entertainment. Oh how jolly this one is. Woman has overdue baby and goes to witch for help. Witch says she will help on condition that child is given to witch. Woman says no. Witch puts curse on child. Child is born anyway. Child is awkward little sod. Child is rebellious. Child is teenager, hangs around in gangs, fights, sniffs glue. Child burns down house. Grit walks out. Grit sits in car reading Lonely Planet guide to Britain, planning escape route to Portsmouth.
Dig solves dropped-off waste toilet pipe by banging the pipe back on with a hammer and propping it up with a CD case. Unusually far-sighted for Dig, he removes the CD first.
There. This is probably about as much achievement as a woman can take.
Saturday, 22 December 2007
How to catch up on the blog
Squirrel's alarm bursts into an EEE! EEE! EEE! EEE! at 6.30 am.
Grit is fast asleep in a dream wrestling a walrus off the shelf in Tesco, unaided by Dig, who of course has a glass of white wine in his hand, and is standing next to the toilet rolls, complaining. Grit has to drop the walrus and wake up pretty sharpish because Tesco is on fire and there's the fire bell so vacate the store.
As I crash to the floor, Dig murmers helpfully, 'it's the alarm'. I pick myself up, blind and naked and veer past the door into the princess room, where Squirrel and Shark are fast asleep in their bunks. The bit of the brain that is still asleep transfers me from Tesco to the naked division of the SAS. I reach out, grab Squirrel's alarm and stumble out the room with an unexploded bomb, disconnect it in the semi darkness of the bathroom by ripping out its battery, then I stagger back to bed and fall over and go back to sleep.
Only I can't. After five minutes my eyelids pop up like they're on just-released elastic bands. No matter how hard I try, I can't roll them back down. So I stare into the grey outlines of the room.
Oh dear. Grit is now awake. Grit's foot hurts. One armpit itches. I need a wee. And I'm starting to think about more than walruses and fire alarms.
Now why did Squirrel's alarm go off at 6.30? Aha. I remember. At 10 o'clock last night, a striding-about Dig with raised forefinger in full lecture mode is telling everyone they get out of bed too late, and the solution to this problem is to set the alarms at 8 o'clock. But Dig is too short-sighted to have actually supervised the alarm-clock setting.
Now Grit is cross. Grit cannot go back to sleep. Grit will never go to sleep again with Dig waking her up with Squirrel's stupid alarm clock. Grit needs a wee and Grit is furious.
Grit leaps up out of bed, shouting 'And next time you have a f****** stupid idea about the f****** alarm clocks will you f****** well supervise it!'
And then Grit gets dressed in a huff forgetting about her knickers and with her trousers on inside out and comes down and sits in front of the blog, and catches up.
Grit is fast asleep in a dream wrestling a walrus off the shelf in Tesco, unaided by Dig, who of course has a glass of white wine in his hand, and is standing next to the toilet rolls, complaining. Grit has to drop the walrus and wake up pretty sharpish because Tesco is on fire and there's the fire bell so vacate the store.
As I crash to the floor, Dig murmers helpfully, 'it's the alarm'. I pick myself up, blind and naked and veer past the door into the princess room, where Squirrel and Shark are fast asleep in their bunks. The bit of the brain that is still asleep transfers me from Tesco to the naked division of the SAS. I reach out, grab Squirrel's alarm and stumble out the room with an unexploded bomb, disconnect it in the semi darkness of the bathroom by ripping out its battery, then I stagger back to bed and fall over and go back to sleep.
Only I can't. After five minutes my eyelids pop up like they're on just-released elastic bands. No matter how hard I try, I can't roll them back down. So I stare into the grey outlines of the room.
Oh dear. Grit is now awake. Grit's foot hurts. One armpit itches. I need a wee. And I'm starting to think about more than walruses and fire alarms.
Now why did Squirrel's alarm go off at 6.30? Aha. I remember. At 10 o'clock last night, a striding-about Dig with raised forefinger in full lecture mode is telling everyone they get out of bed too late, and the solution to this problem is to set the alarms at 8 o'clock. But Dig is too short-sighted to have actually supervised the alarm-clock setting.
Now Grit is cross. Grit cannot go back to sleep. Grit will never go to sleep again with Dig waking her up with Squirrel's stupid alarm clock. Grit needs a wee and Grit is furious.
Grit leaps up out of bed, shouting 'And next time you have a f****** stupid idea about the f****** alarm clocks will you f****** well supervise it!'
And then Grit gets dressed in a huff forgetting about her knickers and with her trousers on inside out and comes down and sits in front of the blog, and catches up.
Friday, 21 December 2007
Looking for a festive spirit
Even with a plastic tree and two sets of fairy lights, one set being in a tangled heap at the top of the stairs, I am having difficulty getting into the festive spirit here at the Pile. I wonder if this has anything to do with the following?
Dig, just back from Bahrain, is worried about how he is going to get to India for the 2nd of January. Apparently, visa offices close down over Christmas and New Year. Can you imagine that? Inconsiderate sods.
I ring up a car shop to get the Renault Clio ignition coil sorted. Don't tell me you forgot we have a broken-down car sitting outside the house which is somehow my responsibility to mend? This is the car that Big Bro lent to me after I smashed up the Berlingo. Anyway, I ring up and ask how much it is to fit a new ignition coil. I get a pissed off receptionist who informs me that it might not be the ignition coil. I tell her it is. I say I trust my brother's diagnosis; my brother who offered me a broken down car with three dodgy tyres. Pissed off receptionist says it's none of my business doing a diagnostic test. If I want a diagnosis I'll bloody well pay a garage mechanic £44 for the privilege, so there. I tell her to shove it. After I put the phone down, of course. It puts me in a bad mood all day long.
Dig's data disk breaks down. It breaks down big time. It won't even flash, or wink. We may have lost two years work. Don't ask, 'Did you take a back-up?'
Big Bro now says he will come round to fetch the Clio. The Clio was going fine until it started flashing an engine sign at me on the A5. Any car that flashes any type of engine light at me may as well put out a big notice saying STOP! STOP NOW OR YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. Strangely, recalling a car accident and the insurance paperwork for it that is still sitting on top of the non-working radio in the kitchen makes me feel depressed.
While I'm heading down that tunnel of misery, I'll pass the hall mirror to stare at my reflection and consider that my age is now possibly 67 thanks to the grey hair. I conclude I am past everything.
At 9.40pm this evening the toilet waste pipe falls off in my hands. This is the toilet waste pipe installed in the new bathroom less than two months ago at a cost of 5K. You're wondering why I was holding the toilet waste pipe in the first place, aren't you? Wonder on. It's the sort of thing I just have to do.
Dig, just back from Bahrain, is worried about how he is going to get to India for the 2nd of January. Apparently, visa offices close down over Christmas and New Year. Can you imagine that? Inconsiderate sods.
I ring up a car shop to get the Renault Clio ignition coil sorted. Don't tell me you forgot we have a broken-down car sitting outside the house which is somehow my responsibility to mend? This is the car that Big Bro lent to me after I smashed up the Berlingo. Anyway, I ring up and ask how much it is to fit a new ignition coil. I get a pissed off receptionist who informs me that it might not be the ignition coil. I tell her it is. I say I trust my brother's diagnosis; my brother who offered me a broken down car with three dodgy tyres. Pissed off receptionist says it's none of my business doing a diagnostic test. If I want a diagnosis I'll bloody well pay a garage mechanic £44 for the privilege, so there. I tell her to shove it. After I put the phone down, of course. It puts me in a bad mood all day long.
Dig's data disk breaks down. It breaks down big time. It won't even flash, or wink. We may have lost two years work. Don't ask, 'Did you take a back-up?'
Big Bro now says he will come round to fetch the Clio. The Clio was going fine until it started flashing an engine sign at me on the A5. Any car that flashes any type of engine light at me may as well put out a big notice saying STOP! STOP NOW OR YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. Strangely, recalling a car accident and the insurance paperwork for it that is still sitting on top of the non-working radio in the kitchen makes me feel depressed.
While I'm heading down that tunnel of misery, I'll pass the hall mirror to stare at my reflection and consider that my age is now possibly 67 thanks to the grey hair. I conclude I am past everything.
At 9.40pm this evening the toilet waste pipe falls off in my hands. This is the toilet waste pipe installed in the new bathroom less than two months ago at a cost of 5K. You're wondering why I was holding the toilet waste pipe in the first place, aren't you? Wonder on. It's the sort of thing I just have to do.
Thursday, 20 December 2007
Visit Oo
I visit Oo. She is going off to live in the Middle east where the climate is better and the money is higher. Of course Hubby and Son are going too, so all the Oo family will be missing from my life in the UK, which makes me very sad indeed and very happy for them all at the same time.
I tell Oo to blog. Her life is lived in a different sphere from mine, and reading about it would be both illuminating and incomprehensible. I cannot imagine how circumstances here at the Pile might arise that led me to visit A&E at 3 o'clock in the morning with a broken nose; or how I might conduct a battle with a council over a lamp-post; or how I could spend several days and several hundred pounds trying to get a cat in a box, but these things happen in Oo's life, usually on a daily basis.
And for that at least I'm going to miss Oo and family. And say a big thank you for your generosity, wit and grand sparkle. And put us on the visit list for 2008.
I tell Oo to blog. Her life is lived in a different sphere from mine, and reading about it would be both illuminating and incomprehensible. I cannot imagine how circumstances here at the Pile might arise that led me to visit A&E at 3 o'clock in the morning with a broken nose; or how I might conduct a battle with a council over a lamp-post; or how I could spend several days and several hundred pounds trying to get a cat in a box, but these things happen in Oo's life, usually on a daily basis.
And for that at least I'm going to miss Oo and family. And say a big thank you for your generosity, wit and grand sparkle. And put us on the visit list for 2008.
Wednesday, 19 December 2007
I forgot about the gardener
It's 9 o'clock in the morning and the buzzer rings.
'Hello?' I say through the house intercom.
'Hello' comes a voice from the lobby.
'Can I help you?'
'I've come to do your garden.'
'Oh. We don't need that, thanks. Er, we've got someone coming tomorrow.'
'Have you?'
'Yes, we've got a gardener thanks.'
'I think it's me. It's Glastonbury here.'
'Oh! It's you! You're the gardener!'
'Yes. I've come to do the garden.'
'Oh! Are you not coming tomorrow?'
'No.'
'It's not tomorrow then?'
'No. It's today.'
By midday Glastonbury has gone strangely quiet.
I ask Shark and Tiger to creep into the garden room and peer out the window to see if Glastonbury is actually in the garden or whether he has had enough and sloped off down the King's Arms for a pint.
'He's still there' announces Shark.
'What is he doing?' I ask.
'Waving his bottom in the air' answers Shark.
So there you have it. Today we pay the gardener to surprise us all.
'Hello?' I say through the house intercom.
'Hello' comes a voice from the lobby.
'Can I help you?'
'I've come to do your garden.'
'Oh. We don't need that, thanks. Er, we've got someone coming tomorrow.'
'Have you?'
'Yes, we've got a gardener thanks.'
'I think it's me. It's Glastonbury here.'
'Oh! It's you! You're the gardener!'
'Yes. I've come to do the garden.'
'Oh! Are you not coming tomorrow?'
'No.'
'It's not tomorrow then?'
'No. It's today.'
By midday Glastonbury has gone strangely quiet.
I ask Shark and Tiger to creep into the garden room and peer out the window to see if Glastonbury is actually in the garden or whether he has had enough and sloped off down the King's Arms for a pint.
'He's still there' announces Shark.
'What is he doing?' I ask.
'Waving his bottom in the air' answers Shark.
So there you have it. Today we pay the gardener to surprise us all.
Tuesday, 18 December 2007
Really shopping
Whoop-de-doo! After discovering that our nearest Hobbycraft is not in Glasgow but is ten minutes down the road I have gone to those glorious aisles and been transformed. It has been an extra satisfying experience because I have spent a great deal of Dig's money on oodles and oodles of lovely sparkly crafty items that Grit, sorry, Shark, Squirrel and Tiger will adore come the 25th.
Indeed, Hobbycraft is so wonderful I have dropped the Jehovah's Witness idea and converted to Hobbycraftism. Hobbycraft is my leader. I will follow Hobbycraft anywhere. Hobbycraft is fab. Hobbycraft is wonderful. Hobbycraft, lead me out of winter darkness.
In fact Hobbycraft can use this endorsement in any promotional literature. And all I would ask in exchange is a 10% discount on my next shopping bill, which may possibly be as soon as next week. How reasonable is that?
Indeed, Hobbycraft is so wonderful I have dropped the Jehovah's Witness idea and converted to Hobbycraftism. Hobbycraft is my leader. I will follow Hobbycraft anywhere. Hobbycraft is fab. Hobbycraft is wonderful. Hobbycraft, lead me out of winter darkness.
In fact Hobbycraft can use this endorsement in any promotional literature. And all I would ask in exchange is a 10% discount on my next shopping bill, which may possibly be as soon as next week. How reasonable is that?
Monday, 17 December 2007
Now for the Christmas shopping
Dig has returned home. At 10.30 this morning. By 10.45, with a babysitter in place, or at least Dig slumped in front of a non-working computer, I shout that I am off to do some Christmas shopping at the charity shops. Departing, I say I have to check the charity shops every day now because I am very poor after being forced to book a cottage in Cheshire due to his continued absence in Yemen.
Half an hour after I am gone, Mr Pod, the neighbour who lives on the middle storey of our three storey house, knocks at the door to complain about the noise the children are making above him. Apparently, while Dig has nodded off downstairs suffering from jet lag, the children are jumping onto the floor upstairs, which is his ceiling, while shouting 'Fly unicorn fly!' at the tops of their voices. He grumbles that his picture has fallen off the wall and his ceiling light is swaying. And, of course, they have woken him up because he works shifts, so today is his night.
At lunch time I wake Dig up again and instruct him to give everyone a cheese sandwich with pickle. Dig cannot find the block of cheddar bought yesterday, instead locating the rancid bit of Wensleydale at the back of the fridge bought last month. And he can only find the chilli pickle. When I return two hours later, Shark, Squirrel and Tiger leap at the offer of some scrambled egg, even though everyone hates it. I can deduce from this, and the discarded chunk of green Wensleydale in the middle of the table, that Dig's lunchtime efforts have not been appreciated.
When I do get back I have a big loud lament. I report to Dig my total failure. I have a toy seahorse for Shark and a jigsaw of a ballerina for Squirrel. Everything is on ebay I cry. I am broke I blub. I will have to go back tomorrow I say. Dig says he cannot take anymore, so he makes a speedy electronic payment of a satisfactory amount into my bank account and says on Tuesday get down the craft shop and do all the Christmas shopping in one go.
On consideration this is possibly an effective strategy to use again next year.
Half an hour after I am gone, Mr Pod, the neighbour who lives on the middle storey of our three storey house, knocks at the door to complain about the noise the children are making above him. Apparently, while Dig has nodded off downstairs suffering from jet lag, the children are jumping onto the floor upstairs, which is his ceiling, while shouting 'Fly unicorn fly!' at the tops of their voices. He grumbles that his picture has fallen off the wall and his ceiling light is swaying. And, of course, they have woken him up because he works shifts, so today is his night.
At lunch time I wake Dig up again and instruct him to give everyone a cheese sandwich with pickle. Dig cannot find the block of cheddar bought yesterday, instead locating the rancid bit of Wensleydale at the back of the fridge bought last month. And he can only find the chilli pickle. When I return two hours later, Shark, Squirrel and Tiger leap at the offer of some scrambled egg, even though everyone hates it. I can deduce from this, and the discarded chunk of green Wensleydale in the middle of the table, that Dig's lunchtime efforts have not been appreciated.
When I do get back I have a big loud lament. I report to Dig my total failure. I have a toy seahorse for Shark and a jigsaw of a ballerina for Squirrel. Everything is on ebay I cry. I am broke I blub. I will have to go back tomorrow I say. Dig says he cannot take anymore, so he makes a speedy electronic payment of a satisfactory amount into my bank account and says on Tuesday get down the craft shop and do all the Christmas shopping in one go.
On consideration this is possibly an effective strategy to use again next year.
Sunday, 16 December 2007
Putting up the Christmas tree
Now I've started with the Christmas preparation, I may as well complete it. Today, in anticipation of Dig returning for some Christmas cheer, Shark, Squirrel and Tiger have been putting up the Christmas tree.
This involves the following.
First, great excitement. There is much squealing and running about making a noise. Mummy Grit shouts at the top of her voice 'Be Quiet! You will wake the neighbours!' No-one hears, apart from, possibly, the neighbours, because mummy Grit is back on her hands and knees in the eaves, rummaging about looking for the box containing the plastic tree that she got from Help the Aged for a fiver three years ago.
Four years ago mummy Grit declared that because we are posh we never have an artificial tree because they are so gutter. Then Shark, Squirrel and Tiger got at her posh tree with its fragrant little pine needles and decorated it with bits of string, sellotape, a few videos and the contents of the lego box. From that point there became Children's Tree and Mummy Tree. Children's Tree is plastic and goes in the children's room. Here it is decorated by them with shuttlecocks and bits of paper. Mummy Tree is real and goes in the front room and looks posh and sophisticated with gold baubles. If only I can be bothered.
When the Christmas tree from Help the Aged comes out the eaves I declare it is a project in team building. I say I wonder if everyone can help co-operate to put up the tree this year while I have a cup of coffee with rum in it to celebrate the start of Christmas season. Squirrel immediately legs it and pretends to be making a fairy out of odd socks.
Five minutes later I pack the tree back in its box because Tiger has got a branch of it and is chasing a screaming Shark around the room threatening to wallop her across the head. Getting cross and shouty and wrestling the Christmas branch from a screaming Tiger seems to have destroyed the Christmas atmosphere so I cook pasta for lunch and lead a discussion on team building for strategies in putting up Christmas trees.
Shark and Tiger decide that taking turns to stick in three branches each is a good idea, and this is what they do. When the tree is finally up, Squirrel abandons the sock fairy to join Shark and Tiger. Then everyone has a fight about territory before they start to play birds in nests. This means choosing one branch each to decorate and weighing it down with eggs, which are baubles, while leaving the rest of the tree blank, which are the borderlands in the event of further territorial dispute.
Mummy Grit then comes along and says how lovely it all is and how she'd like to add some fairy lights. In doing this she knocks off some of the baubles and stands on them by accident, causing much crying because she has killed the baby birds. Mummy Grit has a solution for this. She presents one chocolate biscuit each to Squirrel, Tiger and Shark to shut them up and in recognition of their great achievement. Of course there are three for the leader by virtue of being good enough to give the children a plastic Christmas tree all of their own to use as a team building exercise in the first place.
And so we end the day with one Christmas tree, two fights and three chocolate biscuits. I am declaring today an achievement.
This involves the following.
First, great excitement. There is much squealing and running about making a noise. Mummy Grit shouts at the top of her voice 'Be Quiet! You will wake the neighbours!' No-one hears, apart from, possibly, the neighbours, because mummy Grit is back on her hands and knees in the eaves, rummaging about looking for the box containing the plastic tree that she got from Help the Aged for a fiver three years ago.
Four years ago mummy Grit declared that because we are posh we never have an artificial tree because they are so gutter. Then Shark, Squirrel and Tiger got at her posh tree with its fragrant little pine needles and decorated it with bits of string, sellotape, a few videos and the contents of the lego box. From that point there became Children's Tree and Mummy Tree. Children's Tree is plastic and goes in the children's room. Here it is decorated by them with shuttlecocks and bits of paper. Mummy Tree is real and goes in the front room and looks posh and sophisticated with gold baubles. If only I can be bothered.
When the Christmas tree from Help the Aged comes out the eaves I declare it is a project in team building. I say I wonder if everyone can help co-operate to put up the tree this year while I have a cup of coffee with rum in it to celebrate the start of Christmas season. Squirrel immediately legs it and pretends to be making a fairy out of odd socks.
Five minutes later I pack the tree back in its box because Tiger has got a branch of it and is chasing a screaming Shark around the room threatening to wallop her across the head. Getting cross and shouty and wrestling the Christmas branch from a screaming Tiger seems to have destroyed the Christmas atmosphere so I cook pasta for lunch and lead a discussion on team building for strategies in putting up Christmas trees.
Shark and Tiger decide that taking turns to stick in three branches each is a good idea, and this is what they do. When the tree is finally up, Squirrel abandons the sock fairy to join Shark and Tiger. Then everyone has a fight about territory before they start to play birds in nests. This means choosing one branch each to decorate and weighing it down with eggs, which are baubles, while leaving the rest of the tree blank, which are the borderlands in the event of further territorial dispute.
Mummy Grit then comes along and says how lovely it all is and how she'd like to add some fairy lights. In doing this she knocks off some of the baubles and stands on them by accident, causing much crying because she has killed the baby birds. Mummy Grit has a solution for this. She presents one chocolate biscuit each to Squirrel, Tiger and Shark to shut them up and in recognition of their great achievement. Of course there are three for the leader by virtue of being good enough to give the children a plastic Christmas tree all of their own to use as a team building exercise in the first place.
And so we end the day with one Christmas tree, two fights and three chocolate biscuits. I am declaring today an achievement.
Saturday, 15 December 2007
Happy Birthday Blog!
HA HA! I've done it! A post every day! For 365 days! What a pointless exercise! What a complete waste of time!
But at least I can say YA BOO SUCKS.
But at least I can say YA BOO SUCKS.
Friday, 14 December 2007
How to put up fairy lights
- Wander round the house for two hours and say 'Where are the fairy lights?' repeatedly. Reply 'No, not those. The other ones' every time Tiger, Squirrel and Shark point to the fairy lights in the kitchen which are still up from last year.
- Crawl about in the eaves for fifteen minutes with a torch. Bump head, several times. Shout to the fairy lights. Say things like 'Where the f*** are you. Come on out. I know you're in here somewhere you little b******s'.
- Find the fairy lights in a Tesco plastic bag. Take them out and leave them in a tangled heap at the foot of the stairs. Warn everyone not to trip over them.
- Trip over them. Three times.
- After fourth time, decide something must be done with the fairy lights and consider hanging them around the front door.
- Get a wobbly step ladder. Balance on it, holding a hammer, two nails, and the fairy lights which are inexplicably tied round one ankle.
- Decide this is a stupid idea and get masking tape instead.
- Decide it is a stupid idea even with masking tape. Consider instead wrapping the fairy lights round the banister all the way along the stairs so that this looks really pretty.
- Spend 30 minutes thinking how to do this without causing a trip hazard because the socket is on one side of the hall and the banister on the other. Speculate about the inconvenience of calling an ambulance on Christmas day after tripping over the fairy light wire and falling downstairs. Mentally develop the scenario at A&E with an irritable nurse. Add a doctor, social worker and, possibly, magistrate.
- Decide against causing a trip hazard and wonder about putting the fairy lights through the letter box to drape them in the lobby where they can look even prettier.
- Open the door to view the flap on the letter box and put fingers in door hinge. Forget fingers are in door hinge and close door. Shout F*** F*** F*** and procure a bag of frozen peas for swollen finger.
- Shout at fairy lights and call them rude names. Open a bottle of beer. Decide to put the little b******* back in the eaves and not have any fairy lights at all.
- Listen to children hum. Decide being a kill-joy misery-guts without-fairy-lights is not what Christmas is supposed to be.
- Drink beer and consider options.
- Clear accumulated rubbish from the table on the landing which is next to a socket and wipe surface clean with a toy leopard. Make a big pile out of the fairy lights and say it is very chi-chi and not a pile of tangled wire.
- Put baubles amongst tangle of wire and say it looks even better.
- Lift up the pile of lights and baubles and put a big wooden bread board underneath so that it nearly does start to look like art.
- Guard. After one hour pick out toy leopard, plastic gorilla and one sock. All of these may go in there to nest and are not essential to finished ensemble.
Thursday, 13 December 2007
Ways to avoid the 25th
Oh dear. I can see December dates hurtling to the 25th. And I have a sneaky feeling that Shark, Tiger and Squirrel might have some sort of expectation here.
Well, Shark, Tiger and Squirrel, some truths. In the absence of cash, the remains of which I just blew on a desperate three nights in a field, there is no Christmas shopping. And in the absence of daddy Dig, who is enjoying himself now in Bahrain, there is no Christmas shopping. And in the absence of enthusiasm, because I am Grit, there is no Christmas shopping.
Therefore, I have made the following plans:
Well, Shark, Tiger and Squirrel, some truths. In the absence of cash, the remains of which I just blew on a desperate three nights in a field, there is no Christmas shopping. And in the absence of daddy Dig, who is enjoying himself now in Bahrain, there is no Christmas shopping. And in the absence of enthusiasm, because I am Grit, there is no Christmas shopping.
Therefore, I have made the following plans:
- Wrap up some coat hangers. There is a huge bundle of coat hangers behind the curtain in the lobby. No-one knows they are there. They would make excellent presents. I could tell everyone that they are not coat hangers but part of a three-dimensional puzzle. In fact you could spend the whole day linking them all up. Now Shark, Tiger and Squirrel, off to your rooms with your new present and don't come out until I've gone to bed.
- Become a Jehovah's Witness. I could do this on the 24th and then convert back to Awkward Git Grit on the 26th.
- Lock myself in the cellar, by accident, like Sasha. Put a bucket in there and a box of chocolates first. Hide the ladder.
- Run away. Live in the car for 24 hours. Return home on the 26th and say I have lost my memory. This worked for Ann and John, so it should work for me.
- Lie. Pretend to Shark, Tiger and Squirrel that this year the government has said we will move straight from the 24th to the 26th and if anyone says it is the 25th then the police will come round and prosecute. This is dreadful, isn't it, but you wouldn't want your poor mother to go to prison, so better not fight this one.
- Say it is all daddy's responsibility and he is not here so what can you expect.
- Say that on the 25th it is traditional for mummies to lie down on the sofa and read a book about the Wars of the Roses which they have been trying to do for three months and it is traditional to put children outside and lock the doors. Don't you remember this from last year? Of course you do. Now wrap up warm and out you go to play.
- Make the best of a bad job, cook baked potatoes for lunch, have an argument over who saw a robin first, run out of beer, go to the Co-op which is shut, complain about the neighbour's cat, tell Shark, Tiger and Squirrel to get on Education City because I am not paying for a website subscription again which no-one uses and, finally, lock myself in my bedroom to sulk for fifteen minutes in a wallowing hollow of self-pity and misery with a bar of Divine dark chocolate for company. There. Sounds perfect.
Wednesday, 12 December 2007
Independence day
Up and about early today. Because today we're going back to Tudor times to learn about Christmas celebrations. This means Shark, Squirrel and Tiger get to wear their Kentwell Hall costumes again in public, an event which they have been looking forward to for weeks; and mummy Grit gets to heave a big sigh of relief because the kids get transported off in a workshop to be someone else's responsibility for a whole two hours.
And today I am going to be mean. I am responding to the way Shark, Squirrel and Tiger sometimes hide behind each other in awkward social situations until Shark gets pushed forward because she's 1 millimetre taller and born first, pipping Squirrel by a minute, which makes her the biggest and oldest and therefore bravest. Watching this display of shy triplets who probably think no-one's noticed them when, in fact, the gaze of the entire room has been turned to this three-headed struggle and whispers of 'You do it', has made me think that perhaps sometimes I am sheltering these children too much. Perhaps I am leaping ahead of them instead of hiding behind them.
Well, now is the time. It is nothing to do with the fact that after three days of intense discussion on the Romans, field drainage, dinosaurs, chickens, and Abraham Darby, I'm up for a bit of time off. No. I want the children to be more independent. And today I am determined to make a stand. No more will I hover about them, anxiously ready to leap in and help with some embarrassment. No longer will I stay to watch proceedings and fuss about who's doing this or that. No way will I be wittering about which group Shark might be in. And on no account will I help pass resources quietly under the table before the tears pop out.
No. No. No, I tell Shark, Squirrel and Tiger. Today you must be independent. You are aged seven. That's old enough to be able to deal with some things on your own account and not always rely on me fussing or Shark doing the asking because she's the only one bold enough to step forward for something really embarrassing like a crayon or a bit of paper. You need to be brave today, I say, as everyone is leaping into their costumes and fiddling with hair and sleeves and pearl necklaces.
When we arrive, just on time, with Shark, Squirrel and Tiger all dressed up, we are plunged into a huge and excited crowd of kids in costume, anticipating two hours of Tudor dancing, mumming, and other celebratory traditions.
In the midst of this I whisper 'Do you want me to come with you?' Shark turns round, rolls her eyes and pokes me in the chest with a reproving finger. 'Mummy!' she whispers in admonishment. She gets hold of Squirrel's hand. I can see Tiger and Squirrel aren't even paying attention to my anxious fussing. They're eyeing up the lords and ladies table, sussing out which seats will be theirs if they join hands, build a three-person barricade, block off the competition, stick out remaining elbows, and run fast enough.
Typical.
And today I am going to be mean. I am responding to the way Shark, Squirrel and Tiger sometimes hide behind each other in awkward social situations until Shark gets pushed forward because she's 1 millimetre taller and born first, pipping Squirrel by a minute, which makes her the biggest and oldest and therefore bravest. Watching this display of shy triplets who probably think no-one's noticed them when, in fact, the gaze of the entire room has been turned to this three-headed struggle and whispers of 'You do it', has made me think that perhaps sometimes I am sheltering these children too much. Perhaps I am leaping ahead of them instead of hiding behind them.
Well, now is the time. It is nothing to do with the fact that after three days of intense discussion on the Romans, field drainage, dinosaurs, chickens, and Abraham Darby, I'm up for a bit of time off. No. I want the children to be more independent. And today I am determined to make a stand. No more will I hover about them, anxiously ready to leap in and help with some embarrassment. No longer will I stay to watch proceedings and fuss about who's doing this or that. No way will I be wittering about which group Shark might be in. And on no account will I help pass resources quietly under the table before the tears pop out.
No. No. No, I tell Shark, Squirrel and Tiger. Today you must be independent. You are aged seven. That's old enough to be able to deal with some things on your own account and not always rely on me fussing or Shark doing the asking because she's the only one bold enough to step forward for something really embarrassing like a crayon or a bit of paper. You need to be brave today, I say, as everyone is leaping into their costumes and fiddling with hair and sleeves and pearl necklaces.
When we arrive, just on time, with Shark, Squirrel and Tiger all dressed up, we are plunged into a huge and excited crowd of kids in costume, anticipating two hours of Tudor dancing, mumming, and other celebratory traditions.
In the midst of this I whisper 'Do you want me to come with you?' Shark turns round, rolls her eyes and pokes me in the chest with a reproving finger. 'Mummy!' she whispers in admonishment. She gets hold of Squirrel's hand. I can see Tiger and Squirrel aren't even paying attention to my anxious fussing. They're eyeing up the lords and ladies table, sussing out which seats will be theirs if they join hands, build a three-person barricade, block off the competition, stick out remaining elbows, and run fast enough.
Typical.
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