The year might improve from here

A forgettable first day.

I am moved to record what might pass as achievements, quickly, before they start taking the shape of disappointments.

1. I was a good household companion and helped assemble two Ikea shelves. These we found remaindered at the sad cat charity shop. Worth a tenner, so we could see a patch of office floor. The shelves are in a poor state of disrepair, like they've been stored outside, which is where most people on this island pile their furniture. Astonishingly to me, with my cautious English ways, stuff does not seem to be nicked. Yes, the island had a murder last spring, but no-one seems to steal shoes, clothes, cooking pots, strollers, sofas, tables, chairs, stone lions or Ikea shelving.

2. Tiger sat all day at the computer to conjure with the dark arts of a page layout system. She put together some posters advertising bats available for adoption. Yes, she intended bats, not cats, although I agree, her spelling is dreadful. I shall renew the resolution of encouraging her to a state of spelling order for her 12th year, and thus try to stay a step ahead of a School Attendance Order.

3. I ate peanuts. Not much of anything else all day long. This was becoming pathological by 5pm but I couldn't help myself. I tried everything. I told myself horror stories, that toxic peanut-mould would kill me by dawn, but it did no good. I merely hunted down the peanuts. I had locked them in a Tupperware box and shoved them to the back of the cupboard where they could be reached only by means of a chair and a screwdriver. The plan was bound to fail because of course I knew where they were. Eventually I decided that eating all the evidence of this shameful consumption of 2lbs of peanuts was the only way out.

4. I wondered what 2012 resolutions I should make. So far I have only come up 'imagine more men, naked'. That does not seem a very morally improving resolution, I know, but I am aged over fifty and can do what I like.

5. Squirrel took to her bed after being sick. Probably late-night partying. Okay, that is not the achievement. It is that I made her submit to my healing hand upon her brow, which she was very reluctant to do, but after cautioning her about helicopters being the only way off the island after midnight, she let me check her temperature. It seemed okay to me, so I left her alone and went off to find the peanuts.

6. Shark joined some Fun with Fish discussion forum. We checked it out to ensure fishy fun wouldn't catch everyone out, like watersports. No nude fish keeping involved, and nothing dodgy with fins. It seemed alright. A few lonely people eulogising about Neon Tetras. I trust her, anyhow. She spends several hours researching fish tank capacity before declaring on water temperature and acid levels. Did I say, in a particularly vulnerable moment, yes Shark, you can have a fish tank? I may have done. Don't push me. We all know I steadfastly maintain a No Pets Rule.

I think that might be it. I will tell you if I achieved something else, and just forgot about it. Like, went free diving, wrote a novel, cooked Baked Alaska or collected the laundry.