But do not expect me to teach 45728

One of the sorry consequences of co-parent Daddy Dig flying away to Hong Kong is that he has left me in sole charge of the maths and science agenda of this happy home ed household.

Well you can sleep easy in your beds. At least until 3am, what with the primary science. The world is safe in my hands. So long as junior science keeps its part of the bargain and does not get too technical or use too many long words, then yes, conceptually and attitude-wise, I'm fine. And I promise not to blow up this planet with overenthusiastic use of lemon juice, an assortment of vinegars and a pot of Co-op bicarbonate.

You see, with science, I feel reasonably safe. I can have a go. I can listen to a question about rock crystal and the eyeball and not run off, pass out, or cry. With stuff I don't know, I can speculate, theorise, make stuff up, and wait to be challenged. I am that willing. Hey, I have even tried to construct a vacuum cleaner with a paper bag and a hairdryer.

But maths.

Please wake up promptly at 3.01am when I get to the maths. Someone needs to stop me going there, because the maths world is not safe to be left alone with me. Not at all. 925474849. See? Numbers are out of my control. Rudimentary calculations escape me and run about causing mayhem. Simple lines, angles, shape stuff and bits of rulers... everything becomes incoherent. School maths? Mrs Davy? I blame you both.

Now of course I do not want to pass on my problem to the children. No. In their hearing I maintain that MATHS IS FUN.

But they can sniff it out. Tiger can intuitively sense my total incomprehension, my aphasia, my utter and complete confusion when I see 5474849. She will instinctively know that her normally-trusted parent cannot answer a simple question about a circle and she will short circuit. There will be disaster, confusion and general panic.

But left alone in charge of this, I will need to think fast. I will claim to be a good educator. No, stuff that. I am the best sort of educator.

I will answer, Tiger? You are in control of the maths. Thanks to life with me you have already sussed the cost of petrol, the weight of cake, 25% off the price of a TK Maxx handbag, and how many rolls of modroc you need to build a horse.

For everything else, including 34353636, you can rummage in the pile of books I bought from the charity shop. You can do BBC Bitesize. There are websites. Lots of them. And TV programmes. You can ask the people in the home ed group. I can find you workshops, lectures, and a tutor. I will hunt down Marcus du Sautoy again if you like because he is fun and not like school or Mrs Davy. And here is a protractor. I bought it from the newsagent.

So there, this is the best form of education. One that someone else is interested in, leads for themselves, becomes enthused about, and can take complete control of at 3.01am, when I wake up screaming.