Monday

Yes, I have been neglecting matters of not much immediate concern, like education, children, and creating my multi-million dollar business from hand-crafted, wrap-around, pig-skin notebooks.

But I have an excuse. I have been busy, scrutinising every website in Planet Internet concerning balloon faces, swollen eyelids, and how to resolve peeling facial skin by sticking my face in a chlorine bath.

I am still wrestling with the allergy/intolerance/whoknowot. I look frightful for most of the day, and probably the night as well, only that's okay, because no-one has to wake up to the hideous sight next to them. My face looks like a dessicated tortoise slept in it. My dainty morning beauty routine consists of a hammer, chisel, a vat of Vaseline, twenty-two pots of Sudocrem and a pneumatic drill.

And another thing. It is painful. Spiritually as well as practically, involving a depressed state of mind, an unenergetic disposition, and a need to stop everything just to check out another 23,000 pages on whether olive oil could possibly be the guilty allergen. Please no no no no no no.

I have now cut out all alcohol, wheat, dairy, most foodstuffs, and am coming closer to a bread and water diet without the bread. This is not a sustainable situation, even I can see that, so back I go to Doctor Internet who will probably prescribe the solution of thrashing myself nightly with stinging nettles while standing in a bucket of water. Soon that will seem like it's worth a try.

Well, of course I believe there are positive things to be found in every situation, even miserable medical ones!


Okay, I can't actually think of any right now. Give me a moment.


How about, this experience is bringing families closer together, because when I walk down the street, toddlers run fleeing to their mother's arms seeking comfort and reassurance thanks to the approaching alien balloon tortoise monster disguising themselves behind a pair of dark glasses and a muffler.

My own children of course are unaffected by the horror, mostly because having a withered head does not significantly impact on my ability to pour a pack of dried pasta into a saucepan and open a tin of tomatoes.

But it is not all misery in the day. I have found an excellent sub-aqua group for Shark, and I am very happy with it indeed. I handed over a wodge of cash with a cracked smile, so that's indicative of how good this club is. Kid-friendly, well-equipped, brilliantly organised and the chief of the squad never batted an eyelid when I asked if he could just move out the way so I could stick my face in his pool.