Have week, will achieve

Tiger is on her summer holiday this week.

I do not approve of her choice. Living at the stables, having fun.

My sympathies are with Splash, or Splish, or Slasher, or whatever name Tiger's unfortunate horse is blessed with. When it claps eyes on Tiger's determined expression heading towards it, I won't be the only one who tenses my buttocks. Fun at the Stables will involve undignified arse painting with a barrel of pink glitter. Then will follow all manner of frenzied attention. Plaiting tails, bejewelling manes, decorating hoof, and goodness knows what else the misguided stables girls can dream up. Brazilian waxing and vajazzling are probably not far away on Slasher's dreaded list of beauty treats.

Meanwhile, in this house, with one child out, something akin to peace will reign. I am left with twins, and they are always, always easier than triplets.

And I already have them half-sorted! Shark I will ferry between swimming and a spray-can bash where she is to graffiti a catfish. Squirrel I will take to the charity shop. Not to offer her as a donation, obviously. She is on the prowl for some unwise sparkle shoes. I shall try to prise her off that idea and suggest she sticks sequins on her plimsolls instead.

Apart from these not very onerous duties, I can see ahead of me a whole week of relative stability. I shall not waste it. In my usual way, I will achieve something everyday, or die in the attempt. To that end, this morning I have ceremoniously writ my to do list.

I have pinned it to the wall. To my eyes, it reads like a triumphant poem of unquenchable aspiration, calm bravery, and ongoing perseverance. Nation, I share it with you. And the knowledge that I have already ticked one.

find trousers
cook rock
pay hedge
glue
buy gun
post Henry V
book horse
feely box
stitch on harp
duct tape
go to Anglesea