Thursday, 24 August 2017


Well, I write to a friend, How did Tinkertop do? Are you in tears of rage or joy?

Everything is normal here. School A lost Shark's result in English Language and we had to wait 15 minutes while I suspect they printed off a copy.

Then we dashed to School B, late. You only get a 30-minute window to collect results, because the bastards want to keep the fantasy going that you only ever get one chance at anything in life, including picking up a sodding envelope.

When we arrived, I had an argument because the staff refused to give Identical Daughter Number 1 the results for Identical Daughter Number 2, even though Identical Daughter Number 1 was clutching a signed letter of permission.

I had a temper tantrum and stormed about looking like a Nazi. I should have lied. We all should have lied. This is what school institutions do: they turn me into a person without scruples, honesty, or dignity.

Then we go home and The Anxious Nervous Daughter discovers she got a C in English Literature. Which is not bad considering she has been yelling for the last 17 years how she hates English and she hates writing essays and she hates sentences, so there.

But at the discovery of the C, the world ends, and she has taken herself to a park bench with a bottle of Voddy because there is no bleedin' point to anything ever, ever, ever, again.

I hope your results day has been better than ours.

Tuesday, 1 August 2017

The countdown begins

Clacker: Operator of Analytic Engine / Spreader of rumour. Target engaged in espionage/military. Clacker's Note Book: Locate and Possess.

Jawrer; Chow Chiseler; Broth Chooker: Ad hominem slang for Restaurant critic; Chef; Food scrounger. Professions deemed honourable or disreputable according to local culture. Note books needed by all practitioners. One only note book available, on first-come first-served basis. (In keeping with Broth Chooker terms of trade, silverplate embelishment cutlery stolen from the Gentry.)

Bone Doxy: Lady Archaeologist. Bone Doxy's Note Book for field and river scrummaging, last night discovered, waiting collection. With bones.