Couldbestreamofconsciousness

It's all quickquickspeed round here.

Maybe in blur I require list of day's events. And possibly short sentencing. (Not of prison variety. Although possible.)

1. Grit has a scanner shoved up her doodah. You don't believe that is possible do you? It is a miracle of modern science. I can say the NHS is very efficient. The nurse did not tut once when Grit gripped the door frame on the way into the X-Ray suite.

Terrified is an understatement. Simply being near a door labelled with the signature of Certain Death by Spooky Invisible Forces gives me the wibbles. And then there is the joy of meeting Dr Crippen and his hideous scanner shaped like a gear stick. It is horrible and he crunches that thing about like he is rally driving a beat up old VW Polo and the gear stick is about to come off in his hand. Indeed, no-one will ever shift gear again in my vicinity without me crossing my legs, I can tell you.

2. Aunty Dee is coming to stay for her annual sleepover in the mouse bed of misery. This requires preparation. And this year I will be clever. I will tell her that we have no mice and she has false consciousness about the scratching noise. What was that Aunty Dee? Can't hear it myself. Must be your imagination. No mice whatsoever. None. None that I need to bludgeon to death with a waste bin at midnight and run from the house screaming like last time, dearest Aunty Dee.

Anyway, in preparation for her arrival, today intermittently finds me in full house fumigation mode. I have attacked two kitchen surfaces with chemical weapons. They are looking good. For all of five minutes anyhow, until the griblets come home and cover them in mud, bits of cut up paper, and foam.

3. I must look beautiful and polished and upholstered. I have 24 hours. Aunty Dee is coming to child mind because shortly I must step into Dig's world and try not to be gutter while eating shithot dinner with people who lead Britain and other upper knobs. For this, I require shoes. Three charity shops later and I have a pair of Clarks pointy toes. In black.

4. I am not with children today. You can tell. I achieve so much (see points 1,2,3). While I am productive, children go into woods and build raft. I would provide a photograph of that, but somehow Dig's hard disk went crunchycrunchywhirrdie and this is implicated in no photos for grit's day.

That is all. But I need to know what happened. And when. Not sure why.

Perhaps it's on the floor?

Bugger this. I'm off to cook dinner for Ellie and Mister W.

Recipe plan no 3

Things are looking grim on the menu planning. This is today's.

Nothing
Potatoes
Tinned peaches and old orchard apples with a crumble topping without much sugar and butter but with custard

Nothing
This is easy to prepare. I wonder about serving it up properly, like at an emperor's banquet. It sounds much more interesting than, 'I'm a bit busy today what with the psychologist's appointment tomorrow'.

D: Is there a first course today?
Sq: Is there any food? (Said while contemplating an empty plate and being told, 'It's your first course. Eat up.')
Sh: Mummy?
T: UGH UGH UGH! (Mummy Grit suggests Tiger tastes it. Tiger says she has tasted it and it tastes revolting, so there.)
G: No comment.

Potatoes
We have a lot of potatoes. Let's eat those. Oh look here's the last egg. I'll stir the egg in and make a sort of 'potatoes with a stirred egg' meal.

D: It looks very nice. I like potatoes.
Sq: Is there anything else? (No, Squirrel.)
Sh: I like it. (Can I give you a kiss, Shark?)
T: UGH UGH UGH! I can see egg! I hate egg! You're forcing me to eat egg and you know I don't like egg!
G: There's grass outside.

Tinned peaches and old orchard apples with a crumble topping without much sugar and butter but with custard
This gives Squirrel something to do to stop her going back into the schoolroom and causing mayhem by breaking into the intensive play that's been going on for the last hour between Shark and Tiger.

D: Can I have the custard? Yes, just the custard.
Sq: Yum.
Sh: Yum.
T: Yum.
G: Must get off and do some shopping.

Recipe plan no 2

I have been usurped. Shark has taken over the recipe books and today's experimental menu is all hers:

Tangy avocado
Filo pastry baskets with mushroom filling
Bubble and squeak
Spiced apricot yogurt

Tangy avocado
It is only me and Shark who like avocado in this house, so I agree to this immediately and offer to buy a packet of six. The avocado is filled with fried red onion and Worcester sauce. It would contain Worcester sauce, but Tesco wouldn't sell me any. The man said it wasn't on file so they couldn't sell it me. He then confiscated it.

D: This looks interesting.
Sq: What is it? (said breathlessly with a look of pure horror while gazing at the avocado. Has an enormous green caterpillar erupted from beneath the surface?)
Sh: I like it.
T: UGH UGH UGH! (Mummy Grit suggests Tiger tastes it. Tiger says she has tasted it. She must have some sort of supernatural trick here because she never lifts her cutlery or appears to sniff, chew or nibble.)
G: Basically it's avocado with some fried onion on top. And it's not tangy at all, thanks to Tesco.

Filo pastry baskets with mushroom filling
We make the filo baskets ahead. They look great but when cold, set like concrete, so no-one knows how to drive a knife and fork through them. I think there is a stake and mallet in the garage, and promise Shark we will get them out if the filo baskets win our tasting competition.

D: It looks very nice. (Would you like a manual drill or an electric drill, Dig?)
Sq: Oh no. (Said while covering her eyes.) Is there anything else? (Oh dear. I think we've been here before.)
Sh: I like it. (Shark, you chose them.)
T: UGH UGH UGH! (Said while stabbing her filo basket with a knife.)
G: I think they need to be served warm. What do you think, Shark? (Said as I remove a shard of filo pastry from my cheek, where it seems to have skewered the skin.)

Bubble and squeak.
Easy peasy.

D: This is nice.
Sq: Yum.
Sh: Yum.
T: Yum.
G: (Actually, I don't like bubble and squeak. Better keep quiet.)

Spiced apricot yogurt
This was easy. Mix together Greek yogurt, soft dried apricots, pistachios, cinnamon, lots of orange zest. Mummy Grit pours a large Cointreau over hers.

D: This is unusual.
Sq: UGH. Has it got cream in it? I hate cream. I only like squirty cream. What is it? Has it got cream in it? I hate cream. (Said ad infinitum. Or at least until Mummy Grit removes Squirrel's helping and pours Cointreau over it.)
Sh: Yum.
T: Yum.
G: Double yum. This would go nicely with a brandy on the side.

Tomorrow, experimental recipe set number three.

Recipe plan

Aha! A recipe book!

Here are the results of the first experimental menu.* Dig, Squirrel, Shark and Tiger have kindly provided the comments.

Watercress and stilton soup
Chestnut, walnut and red wine loaf
Pears poached in honey and ginger with mascarpone

Watercress and stilton soup
This recipe was compromised because I did not put any stilton in. I thought the children might go UGH if I put stilton in. So I left it out. I know this is a dangerous line of thinking, because the next thought is, 'I'll put in some pasta instead'. I bravely resisted this, so no pasta. And no stilton either.

D: It needs the stilton. Where is the stilton?
Sq: What is it? (said breathlessly with a look of pure horror while gazing into her soup bowl. Has an enormous green toad erupted from beneath the surface?)
Sh: I like it.
T: UGH UGH UGH! (Mummy Grit suggests Tiger tastes it. Tiger says she has tasted it. Clearly without lifting her soup spoon or moving her lips.)
G: Basically it is leek and potato soup with watercress. And it needs the stilton.

Chestnut, walnut and red wine loaf
This recipe is vegan. It isn't meant to be. It has eggs and cheese in it. I got distracted half way through so only the top half of the ingredients went in, and the eggs and cheese were in the second half. Unfortunately I also drank the red wine by accident so couldn't put that in either.

D: It looks very nice. (It does not. It looks like an Ibstock brick.)
Sq: Oh no. (Said while covering her eyes.) Is there anything else? (How I wish there was, Squirrel.)
Sh: I like it. (Have you been at the Tixylix again, Shark?)
T: UGH UGH UGH! (Said while stabbing the slice on her plate with a pink straw.)
G: You need to try lots of different foods. Try it. (I want to pewk. If I were to eat a meteorite, I think it might have the same density, texture, appearance and taste as a chestnut, walnut and red wine loaf without the red wine. This one is definitely out.)

Pears poached in honey and ginger with mascarpone
This recipe was easy.

D: Is it sweet?
Sq: I like the honey.
Sh: Yum.
T: Yum.
G: Yum. This one's on the possible list.

Tomorrow, experimental recipe set number two.

* I know what you vegans are thinking. I am killing cows, destroying the planet and should do better. All I can say is that I bear the guilt. I promise to go to veganmenu.blogspot.com next and whip myself senseless with a spatula.

Big thought

This is big. This is Really BIG. Grit has a deep and profound thought.

Ellie and Mister W are coming to dinner and Ellie and Mister W will not want to eat Tesco value pasta with tomato sauce.

Now this calls for some serious thinking. Grit has been cooking Tesco value pasta and tomato sauce for 234 years. She has forgotten how to cook anything else.

This calls for some very deep and serious thinking.

Acting like grown ups

Tra la la! Ellie and Mister W are coming to dinner! Tra la la! Tum te hum! Do de dum!

Grit is all happy now because next week Ellie and Mister W are coming to dinner and they are not aged six, or even seven! No! They are proper grown up humans! They do not throw themselves to the floor and howl in Tesco! They do not hang on the door frames refusing to move! They do not swing on my front room curtain and then, as the curtain comes crashing down about their heads, say 'She did it!' No, no, no no no. None of these.

And what's more, we won't have to send Ellie and Mister W to their rooms for kicking the chairs, slamming the doors or waving scissors dangerously. And we won't have to tell Ellie and Mister W off for sitting on their chairs in a silly way, or for making irritating noises, or for throwing all the cushions off the sofa, and smuggling the cuddly leopard under the kitchen table at eating time when everyone knows he is Not Allowed Now because he causes fights. No! Ellie and Mister W are lovely grown up people who really are very grown up and adult and quite possibly may be among the few adult people I will speak to for more than five minutes this year without being interrupted.

Because, and this is the best of it all, Ellie and Mister W are leaving their offspring at home! With a babysitter! And we are bundling Squirrel, Tiger and Shark upstairs and nailing planks across their bedroom doors so that they cannot get out!

Well, OK, that last bit's just wishful thinking right now, but it's hoped that eight hours of listening pleasure with the audio book series of Watership Down will have the same effect, while Ellie and Mister W and Grit and Dig are all downstairs doing what grown ups do best. In Grit's case this might be drinking heavily and falling asleep in front of the fire. But let's hope it's sharing dinner, being civilised, and talking.

Talking, probably, about the children. But heigh ho, this is a start.