Spot the difference

Grit is feeling a bit peed off right now, even though she discovers there is a magazine named after her, plopping on the mat at Waconda Road, and even though she knows there is indeed an entire nation which holds aloft her namesake-foodstuff for general consumption, scorn or delight, take your pick.

Anyway, it is not the free and frequent use of Grit's name which has peed Grit off a bit. It is the following comparison.

Dig's day

Receive a smart blue invitation to a posh do in London where Bigwigs go and the PM's name is swirled around by someone who knows someone who knows this can be done because we know the people who know. That sort of do.

Travel by train to London, arrive in good time. Drink champagne. Drink another glass. After all, we're not driving, are we?

Dine. Is it lemon infused? A touch of cumin. Delicious. Clap. Another glass? Chit. Chat. Clap some more. More wine sir? Enjoy the ring of glasses, touching gently.

Mention, casually, that the late train is about to depart. 'Of course Dig you must stay over. Of course there's a hotel room. No problem. I hope it's adequate. Fresh flowers? More wine?'

Sleep.

Enjoy full English breakfast in gracious surroundings. Soft music is playing. The coffee is hot and strong and good. Relax, for here you can express preferences. Is the bacon crispy? Too salty, too lean, too thick, undercooked, overcooked, served on a square plate and not a round? Order more coffee. Complain about the bacon.

Greet people with handshakes. Soft chairs. Thick carpets. Fragrant perfumes. Enjoy shared observations about insightful matters. Speak in hushed voices.

On leaving, someone murmurs 'Of course we must do lunch'. Nothing special. Did you mention a Michelin star? Good to relax. Would you like a glass of wine? After all, we're not driving, are we?

Grit's day

Late. Listen to Shark having a particularly long scream. Say, 'Right. I can't stand anymore of this'. Leave with Squirrel and Tiger to go to kiddie gym lesson. Slam door. Open it to shout in, 'You're grounded'. Sit in car and seethe. Go back in and grind teeth. Have to reach resolution and de-ground Snot Child from Hell pdq. If she doesn't come, will be guilty of child neglect and prosecuted.

Become aware of strange looks while Shark, Tiger and Squirrel are bouncing on a trampoline in next lesson. Look in mirror in girl's changing rooms smelling of drains. Discover a banana-shaped charcoal smudge over nose and left cheek. Thanks, Hitler, for doing the smudged boot pictures again. Thinks next time a good plan is to quietly ditch pictures in bin at the art class and not put them on the seats of the car where I have to pick them up to sit down. And then clearly stick my fingers up my nose.

Go shopping for bread and pasta in last ten minutes of lesson. Have large woman in Tesco run over foot with trolley. Limp. Forget pasta.

Pick everyone up. Drive home. See petrol light is flashing yellow. Pretend not to see it. At home, feed everyone a piece of bread.

Thirty minutes later, get everyone in car again to go in opposite direction to French. Mel tells me I have been overpaying. She said I always do it. Every week. Never mind. Everyone laughs.

Go into local high street to buy pasta. Thinks: relax time. Pop into RSPCA shop. Once in, knock over a bookstack. This blocks shop entrance door for ten minutes and has two old lady RSPCA staff picking them all up while I apologise profusely. I pretend I have just come limping from the hospital by way of explanation. Late to pick up kids from Mel's.

Shark emerges with lips washed green, red and yellow thanks to the E-numbered sweeties she's scoffed for being good in French. Has squeal in car. Gets home and says she is not hungry. Tell Shark I will make her eat pasta if I have to force feed it up her nose because in 20 minutes she has drama and kiddie RSPB and she will go bonkers again before the night is out because of something really important, like in drama they said the word 'owl'.

Have ten minutes in which to eat pasta and leave for drama. Arrive at drama late. Drop everyone off. Go home. Computer crashes.

Pick up everyone from drama. Drive straight to kiddie RSPB. On leaving barn where kiddie RSPB meeting is held, try to do it quietly, so no one will notice. Immediately trip over railway sleeper that someone has placed outside the door. Crash to the floor shouting 'F***ing H***' at top of vocal range. Railway sleeper? A railway sleeper in a car park for f***'s sake? How the f*** did that get there? And why have I never seen the bloody thing before? The fall launches me face down in the gutter again, leaving a bruise up the left leg and a graze over the right knee.

One hour later pick everyone up from kiddie RSPB. Tiger has a big cry because she did not win the lottery and claims I told her she would win it every 15 months. Deny this and explain probabilities of lottery wins again in the car.

Bed, finally, for Shark, Squirrel and Tiger at 10.30 pm.

Fall asleep on bed with all lights and heating on. Discover this at 3am, on waking with stiff neck and sore leg.

Breakfast. Shark comes down, eats my strawberry yogurt because I am too slow to grab it at the table, and complains because there are no Cheerios. Has a big squeal.

Let's stop there. I can bear no more. I don't get paid for this. And in actual fact, I think we can safely deduce this is simply a case of jealousy.