Friday, 9 July 2010

Oh no! It's our local hairdresser!

How do I know?

1. They are deluded. Advertising themselves as Celebrity Stylists when they are in a back street of a small town. The only close shave they made to fame is making everyone round here walk with the same mullet. It looks like a regional crime wave.

2. They dress like streetwalkers. Black string vest, white bra, fake tan, and plastic glitter belt 50p from the market. It's not a good look on a woman aged 58. It's not a good look on anyone. Possibly an LA starlet, because the look can carry a gutter. But when it walks you to the cash till? Seriously, you feel you got robbed by a hooker.

3. They act like society needs them. This is piteous, really. So let us help make them special. Turn up late for your appointment. They love it. Now they have the chance to be important! (Guide to being important? Rap six-inch multicoloured painted fingernails on formica desk while murmuring mmmmmm. Flick hair while clicking pointlessly on a mouse and looking vacantly at blank computer screen.)

4. The stylists are particularly dim. Especially Beryl. (Stage name: Berillia.) She has one GNVQ level 96 in Hair and Beauty. I do not knock it. She is happy with this level of achievement. Even if it is a bit like thinking a Big Mac is a qualification in Nutrition.

5. They don't speak in joined-up words. Don't get me wrong. I'm not looking for Socratic philosophy from my hairdresser! Of course not! Not even long chained utterances! That would blow their fuses. Round here we listen to yeah... yeah... yeah... gonna... hmm... yeah... like... like... yeah. Could explain why Melvyn Bragg's not your customer, ladies.

6. They sound like they don't know what they're doing. Have they ever done this hair cutting thing before? I swear, here's the exchange I overheard.

Customer (C). Berillia (B).
C: I'd like it a bit more fashionable than it is now.
B: Yeah... yeah... yeah. Um... Um... Right... Yeah.
Doesn't exactly inspire confidence, does it?

7. They are high on aerosol. They spray enough of that ozone-killing junk into the room, it makes your hair want to crawl out of your scalp in submission, lay on your lap and scream. Not only are their brains affected by that PCP crap; it also makes them witter on about boyfriends in high-pitched squeaky voices. After half an hour you start to hallucinate along with them and imagine you are surrounded by millions of garroted mice dressed like hookers. And they are all waving scissors, dangerously.

8. They make a big thing out of the hierarchy. The Receptionist can only take your coat and walk you over to the Junior Shampooist. She will pass you on to the Deputy Senior Stylist. She will make a big play about consulting with the Queen of the Blower. This is all a cover. It's just a pretence to make it look like there was some training so they can justify the hundred quid they're about to rip out your bank account.

9. They speak to you like you are aged five. And a slow learner. Maybe they should offer balloons for everyone to hold. Oh, and by the way, everything is a personal favour. Just for her. So, Can you, um, sit, sit, yeah, straight? Like, yeah, JUST FOR ME? What is the matter with them? Are they high? (See 7.)

10. They have made-up names. Example: Raquelia and Sextuginia. (Really, they are called Janice and Sandra.) This is not to suggest they are airheadedbimbos useful for sex. No. Of course not. They are trying to make themselves sound exotic and interesting. When they have travelled as far as Butlins and have a boyfriend who owns a pitbull.

Good grief, did I already reach ten? I'm only warming up. I could go on. Ladies, I meant it when I said I would never bring my children to this salon again. EVER.


sharon said...

Stop waffling woman - WHO has had their hair cut? Have the triplets been shorn or were you getting ready for A Big Night out with Dig?

PS Stage 251 NVQ (Hairdressing) involves learning to ask 'Where are you going for your holidays this year?' before launching into the tale of her drunken debauchery in some unfortunate Spanish coastal resort.

Grit said...

sharon, i can see you have been to planet hair, and suffered. i offer remote warm nods of understanding.

shark, squirrel and tiger are clipped. dig is 4 skyscrapers up in hong kong. i cut my own hair. i have more to say on all these subjects, but right now i am resting my bile.

Rachel M. said...

Do the triplets refuse any attempts for you to cut their hair? I'm guessing so after the recent bout with knots.

Ceri said...

Be thankful they're girls. Oldest (boy) has refused to cut his hair for the last 2 years. It's nearly down to his waist.