Thursday, 21 July 2011

Head lice and naked men are always there

We have hit the school holidays.

Super FBI Detective Grit has tracked these 4 clues.

1. Tesco is stocking its Back to School range. All is formidably exciting, as ever. The colours of service: black, white. (Why bother? After the first wash it will all be grey.)

2. I have seen a woman walking our High Street with a pained expression. Small children were following, beating the crap out of each other. And howling.

Ladies, you must realise this is normal sibling behaviour. You can put up with it, threaten to smash Thomas the Tank's face in when you get home, send the kids to improving, educational and energetic activities (residential only), or say things like I will give you something to cry about in a minute.

I have tried them all, and none work. Except the last, obviously, because I am all motherhood superior of moral good, and totally gentle and kind and caring. (Though it is true that all Thomas' faces were attacked by giant plastic-eating moths with a bite like a hammer.)

3. I have seen children of all ages in the streets! Yes! Amazing but true!

Seeing people of all ages makes our locality look nearly like a real society, where one third of the population doesn't herd the small-people third into big buildings and then padlock the gates. (The gates are padlocked, I have been told, against the remaining suspicious 'others'. Possibly the third of the population who we do not want on the premises.)

4. In my secret stat counter (shhh) one of the most popular searches (apart from headlice and naked men) is how to survive the school holidays. So we must have arrived at that special time when the schools shut up shop and the teachers go travelling to Brazil or have a breakdown.

Then here. Have it. It has taken true learning from me, and is my gift to the nation. Hopefully it will allow the fizzog of pain to be eased, and Thomas to be spared.


Sugarplum Kawaii said...

Brilliant Grit...I'm going to post a link to this from my blog as it's helpful AND hilarious.

5. 'Visit somewhere educational. Make sure it has a coffee shop.'

May I throw in the suggestion of...

The Museum of London
150 London Wall
City of London EC2Y 5HN

The best out of the lot in my very humble opinion!

Grit said...

hi sugarplumk, yes, i have never visited the museum of london but have heard such good things about it, so now only a matter of time. wonder if we can fit it in before we have to return to hk!