Ed Balls, you have cause to be worried

No wonder folks round here are scared. I've tracked down the organised resistance movement. At great personal risk, I have photographed their secret rendezvous in the wild and fierce jungle plains of England.


See that lake? Filled with submarines. They can be called up at a moment's notice on the whim of this lot. I tell you, compared to this outfit, your local revolutionary guerrilla group are amateurs. Drugged up with Tixylix and lemon sherbets, this crew are lethal.


Here they are, huddled into little groups. Don't believe they're being organised to play team games about pinning the pollen on the stigma. No. That's what they want you to think. Actually, they are masterminding the undermining of the entire educational system, right here in the heart of England.


Here they are again! Brazen! They just want you to believe they're a bunch of home educated kids gearing up for a race pretending to be mice chased by owls. But do not believe it. All that running around making squeak squeak noises is merely a cover for their super organised clandestine operations.


See that map? Do not think for one minute this is an orienteering exercise so these kids can learn North from South and where are the markers. These people are planning a covert military strike. And that little kid in the fawn dufflecoat? Mr Big.

Don't say you weren't warned. Do not approach under any circumstances. Those snotty tissues can take out a man's eye at fifty metres.

But Mr Balls, if you think this crew is mean, let me tell you, you should see their mothers.