Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Ignorance is Strength

Dear Guardian

Please can I be a staff writer on your newspaper? I have been reading your newspaper recently and am very impressed by the quality of the journalism.

You could employ me for your education coverage, since I believe that is of a particularly high standard.

I am a very good candidate.

I can use wrods, and some punctuation. I am very jolly, and I am sure everyone will be delighted with my enthusiasm. On the education desk, I will trouble no-one with independent thinking and I can adhere easily to Party lines as required. If the Ministry of Truth provides a daily press release for me, I'm sure I could copy it out quickly. My ability to rekey a given text accurately is excellent.

But I know writing about education in a newspaper needs more than wrods.

I might need maths. If the Ministry of Truth provides statistics and percentage thingys in their press releases, I'm sure I can cope. My keyboard would have those numbers just like normal, wouldn't it? That would make the copying easier. I would never question numbers provided, so don't worry about that. I know that two plus two equals five if the Party should say so. And I do not normally boast, but I feel it is appropriate in my letter of application to say that as a result of over ten years of compulsory education at school I am now the proud possessor of O level maths, grade D.

You might have guessed by now that I know a thing or two about politics. I understand that for the job of education writer, I must be on good terms with the Party, otherwise I won't receive any press releases.

You can be reassured here. I think I might be secretly in love with Ed Balls, because of all that manly urge to control people. Thanks to my secret devotion* I will be a completely unquestioning devoted drudge. I know the stability of the Party depends on me. I would pass that type of unquestioning loyalty onto you. I think you might feel yourself very fortunate with that type of dedication.

Of course, I understand we Party types have to appear balanced if we work for a newspaper. We have ordinary readers to mislead.

Would it be alright if I copy out the press release one day about home educators denying their children a proper education, then the next day I could copy out some other wrods, to give the impression I am not really in the educational pocket of the Party? I could do that 'conscious deception while retaining the firmness of purpose that goes with complete honesty' stuff.

Just to warn you, you might need to supply me with a copy editor to go over what I wrote just in case wrods creep in, like home educating types are stinky hippies. (I had better come clean. It has happened before. But I think I got away with it.)

Finally, I know the difference between truth and falsehood is not important when generating money. And the newspapers must sell, right? You can be assured I will have an eye to your financial position at all times. It is a cruel fact that sex sells newspapers, yet we have to be topical. Do not worry. I have loads of ideas. Like how home educators are secretly selling their children on twitter.

You can probably tell I am hot property, so there may be some bidding war for me. I feel obliged to let you know that I am also applying for the periodicals, Budgie Maintenance for Amateurs, Play Ideas for your Fish, and Crafting with Lolly Sticks.

I will wait by the phone. Tell Jessica she's my heroine.

*PS. Please don't tell anyone about the love interest. Some people might not share my passion for Ed's pudgy bits.


Firebird said...

"Ed's pudgy bits"?

I feel all squirmy!

OTOH I'm sure you'll get the job ;-)

emma said...

"wrods" lmao.

I'd rather read you than the grauniad any day.

sharon said...

I think those are fighting wrods Grit lol!

Merry said...

I wrote into the readers editor and got a truly staggering reply (although she did alter the headline!) I've copied it on to facebook (i don't know if you are on there?)

Pah to them all.

PS - was v disappointed not to manage to get over and say hello at the swimming party :(

Grit said...

hi merry! i see they have changed the headline so can now claim it's reported speech rather than the 'fact' as previously stated.

not on facebook; there aren't enough hours in the day for that, twitter, blogs, the newspaper, eddie mair on R4, and my david starkey book. oh, and the kids.