Saturday, 28 May 2011

Have all my money, yes take it all

The Grit kingdom is living under austerity measures.

Sadly it is unavoidable, I inform the citizenry, sat round the kitchen table looking distinctly ugly about the pocket money reduction. But it must be done. Let's call it an investment in our education!

No Shark, it is certainly not because I have a crush on Kevin Spacey. I totally deny that. Only a little bit of one. Okay then, quite a big crush. But listen to that voice! That is a beautiful voice and I could listen to those melodic tones for hours.

Anyway, shut up about Kevin Spacey's gentle, soothing voice. That is not the reason I spent the entire monthly household budget on four seats to see him play the lead in Richard III. I am quite sure about that! Possibly.

It was because the woman at the other end of the theatre seat telephone line gave me no option. She said these are the only four seats left and stop trying to cut a deal. Then she grew quite cross and hissed, Do you want them or not? Obviously I had to take the seats, although for that price I want to see Kevin Spacey without his trousers on. And that is why we have no money left.

Now, citizens of Gritland, we must all pull together, be in the same handcart, travel the same grinding road to educational nirvana, and let me feast my eyes upon what is sure to be a solid performance of a fine play, even though it is costing me an arm, a leg, and a kidney.

Just don't tell Daddy Dig. Don't make a sound if you see me wave my hand in a casual fashion and murmur, What? Those tickets with all the zeros on them? Oh those! We have had those for AGES.

And now there is one last instruction. If I suddenly go pale or breathless or slump over in my seat, please throw water over my face and slap me. Because of course it is not really the ticketing cost that is worrying me. It is the fact that as the curtain goes up at 5pm, what with this dreadful crush I have on Kevin Spacey's voice, I may just pass out at 5.01 and miss it all. And what if he takes his trousers off?


MadameSmokinGun said...

Keep the piss bucket balanced precariously on your knee and this should keep you alert. Don't throw it at Kevin as he takes his bow even if he winks at you. Trousers on or not. My goodness - the thought trouserless winking is doing my head in. I wouldn't be able to concentrate at all now........

Kelly said...

Worth it worth it worth it!!!!

sharon said...

Please re-read Madame SmokinGun's comment - I couldn't think of a better one and I tried very hard honest Miss ;-)

Grit said...

no i don't want to detract from that mental image either, sharon! however, having spent all the educational budget on 2 hours 35 mins of as close to bliss as i am likely to get, then the awful thought is striking me... it will be the night he has a sore throat and the understudy takes over.

meanwhile, we will soon be reading kelly's 'plantagenet plots' and 'crowns and roses' in preparation!

kelly said...

Kevin Spacey....he has done a few audio books you know.

One is Mrs God, not sure who it is by or whether it was any good but my Grandma likes it.

Have fun, and I wish I was there, even though that particular play gives me the heeby jeebies.

Casdok said...

This post cracked me up!!!

Big mamma frog said...

Who's Kevin Spacey?

(I've been asleep for a hundred years and my prince still hasn't come to wake me.)

Deb said...

Dearest Grit, I adore you so much!

Grit's Adventures at the Tip are the best writing I have read in a long time.