Vinyl floor Wednesday

Do you know how difficult it is to buy a piece of crappy vinyl; 4x2, totally black and costing less than twenty quid?

It is so difficult that I spend all day trying to do it. CarpetRite have an enormous laugh at my expense, as does CarpetsRite4You, RiteCarpetRiteout, RiteupyourCarpet, and RiteCarpetBastards.

One of that lot tells me offcuts are thrown away. But I only want an offcut. I don't want it fitted, for goodness sake! That would be a step too far. Or at least I think it is.

And that's my other problem. Is it me, or does something happen to your brain too when you pass between the automatic doors of the complete retail flooring solution?

After ten seconds I suffer from Total Vague Syndrome. I can barely recall why I came in. I could be persuaded of anything. That I want my vinyl pink, fitted, and vajazzled. The store assistant nods. He could be from the Village of the Damned.

Then I begin to stare alongside him, without purpose to muse aloud if carpet will be the answer to a problem I can't recall and could carpet in a kitchen work? If I vacuum it every day and give my life and soul to the carpet, but remember the kitchen carpet in Northumberland?

You see? My thoughts wander in no good direction since it is six years since we sold the house in Northumberland. Or is it five.

To spare you more ordeal and because now you would rather be watching Deal or No Deal, I shall be brief and tell you that I did, after five hours staring, acquire an offcut of vinyl from RiteCarpetPalaver.

But by then I was totally brain dead and forgot the reason why I was living as well as the measurements so handed over twenty quid for 3x1 in black and silver.

I apologise to any reader coming to grit's day hoping to be shown a good time.
But look at my vinyl.