Monday, 9 July 2012

This one will do it

I am on the search of another cure for my tortoise balloons. The diet isn't working. It is ages before the hospital appointment. I must embrace the homoeopathic approach.

To this end, I first have to abandon the kids in a park. Not any old park, obviously. The park of our Monday meet. When a bunch of home educators come together so we can introduce kids to other kids, call it the S-word and, while the offspring disappear to beat each other with sticks, chat about how no-one understand us.

I think of our local home ed groups a little like an extended family - dysfunctional disparate people, some of whom have nothing in common except for the fact that we all educate outside of normal - yet we still come together routinely to alternatively amuse and piss each other off.

We can support each other too of course, while we bitch and whine, which means I feel safe to dump my kids on them while I attend to something much more important. Me. I need to zip across town and track down this miracle homoeopathic creme with its seductive packaging and fragrant promises.

Back in the park, someone would phone if there was blood.

See? This is how focused I am on the kids and home education in general. Not at all. I am the centre of my attention. I have to make myself be fit for purpose, which presently I am so clearly not.

For a start, I look ahead in my diary and see that I am soon to be sleeping in a field, joining all the other hardened home educators in the annual sleep-in-a-field-fest.

I doubt my capabilities for enduring that, even when I am on top form, so I have already negotiated an opt-out clause mid-week. But I'm worried that in this present state of health I shall not be able to carry out this sleeping-in-a-field responsibility at all. I won't be strong enough. Shark, Squirrel and Tiger will never forgive me.

So the only option is to dump them with the helpful extended family who can complain about me when I leg it, and go grovelling in alternative remedy shops looking for the perfect answer.

Yes! I find it! Aqua, Prunus dulcis, Calendula, Lavendula, Anthemis nobilis, Citrus grandis. A force of Roman deities sweeping to my aid!

But this cure will work, trust me. It promises everything I want in the world!

Instant relief, perfect skin, normal eyelids, a properly responsive autoimmune system, refreshed spirit, fortitude, emotional strength, the stamina to sleep a week in a wet field, weight gain to make a shapely thigh and not a thick ankle, a dinner of spinach and salmon, deep red wine, a vulnerable naked man, and a tiny toy fox terrier to keep in my handbag.

This could be it. Now all I need do is apply it thrice a day, and lo! The magic will prevail!

4 comments:

Minnie said...

Oh dear, hope you get sorted. Try Traditional Chinese Medicine. Sorted out my gallstones. No op.

I once ended up in A&E after having finished my shift at Tesco's. I picked up a few bits and went home. Had a bit of supper and then I sort of passed out. I remember telling Son No 2 that I loved him and his siblings before being carted off by some very nice ambulance men!! All I could put the reaction down to was either a hot water bottle, concentrated lavender oil on my skin or T's hot, ready cooked chicken with spices. The medical staff in the A&E dept looked at me and went 'Oooooo,look at that face!'. I was then injected with something that made me feel woozy and I threw up...big time...and felt very drugged!. so I reckon I'm allergic to some spice that T use in their spit roasted chicken....One reason why I'm veggie. Hope you get sorted asap. x

Rachel M. said...

Ah Grit, I've been away too long. Hope you are okay, a tad bit worried that you are writing about health and all but I'm not one to talk. I'm in the worst health of my life! I just got a hair cut and my stylist was astonished at the amount of ragged dead hair she had to cut off, and I'm like her best customer for hair, she normally raves about me! But the stress of 3 kids has destroyed my hair. My skin is also taking a beating and I could go on and on but I need to sleep because I think baby is finally sleeping through the night and I can't bare to miss a night of full sleep.

Sue and the gang said...

Hello Grit. I'm a long standing reader of your blog and just wanted to point you in the direction of this story (although it's probably already on your radar)

http://www.greatyarmouthmercury.co.uk/news/education/anger_at_45_hour_school_plan_1_1439907

Grit said...

You have my full sympathies, Minnie. to react like this and not know what triggers the reaction is truly horrible! like normal life just became a total hazard. (i'm telling myself it's all just a strange passing phase.)

Rachel, you need a rest, plain and simple. although how you take a rest from life is something i haven't figured out yet. i just know that at some point the body breaks down and forces the issue.

sue, thank you for that article. it betrays a lot about the attitudes and mindsets of the ptb.