Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Trust is the basis for every good marriage

Of course when Dig is away from home so much, quite a lot of our marriage exists on trust.

And this is where Skype is very handy.

Because I can use this piece of wondrous technology to my total advantage.

Check one: does it look like a hotel room? I must see international bland. I force Dig to turn the camera on a 360 degree turn, and point that little camera eye behind the curtains, under the bed, in the wardrobe and in the bathroom. I am not a mistrustful character, I just say I would like to see the characterless cube that is charged out at $350 a night when you can buy an entire hotel for that in some parts, with staff.

Check two: miniature bottle in sight? Everyone knows Dig is far too mean to fork out twenty quid for the minibar unless he can put it on expenses, and he can't. And no bottles means no entertaining. If there is evidence of a large bottle of beer, relax. He has been out on his own to find the cheapest crap in a local grog shop. No-one will have gone with him to do that, and no-one's going to come into a posh hotel and share it either.

Check three: scrutinise for dreamy eyes, wistful glances, relaxed expressions. When he speaks to me he should be tense, scowling and miserable. Especially after he has banged his head showing me the underside of the desk.

Check four: state of clothing. He should look like a hobo thanks to all his unironed shirts crammed at the last minute into a plastic bag by lovely wife Grit. If he looks in anyway smart, well dressed, maintained, ironed, polished or cared for, keep him online and book a flight to his location.

Check five: during conversation, scatter deadly bait. Like, what did you do for dinner? Observe answer carefully. Make it sound like a casual inquiry into his health and well being. It is not. He should look pissed off and underfed. He should also gratifyingly complain that he has been abandoned for his own meals and no-one gives a thought to his welfare.

Check six: listen carefully to any mention of female colleagues or dining partners. He should complain loudly throughout the conversation about schedules, arrangements for meetings, cars, assistants. He should also discourse at length with himself on obscure technical details about commas while I go off and make a cup of tea. If he were ever to utter words like glamorous blond with an approving smile, take immediate action regarding divorce proceedings.

Check seven: the ultimate test. Suggest hot porn action with sexy wife Grit over the web cam. If his face says repulsed and shocked, everything is normal.


sharon said...

I see you have this down to a fine art Grit. Plus we know he has no energy for any foreign hanky panky because you have sent him out into the world totally exhausted after that last night of passion!

Rubberbacon said...

great post Grit! Very funny

Mud in the City said...

Fab. Now I know what is going on when my male colleagues skilk off to call their wives. Worth also checking for evidence of only one hotel robe scrunched up on the floor I think.