Friday, 7 May 2010

I did mean to stay up all night, I really did.

But I am weak. By 2am I am passed out on the sofa, snoring, surrounded by empty beer bottles and flattened packets of crisps.

I'd like to think Dig might find that sight arousing. But he had taken one look at the exit polls at 10pm then taken to his bed, saying that years of political experience told him things were not likely to change much, so you get your hung parliament, well done, goodnight, see you in the morning.

I wake myself up with my own throat rattling about 2.30, catch an eyeful of Andrew Neil and am immediately up and alarmed, like something horrible has happened to his face! Why is it all red and lumpy like an old foam pillow? I'm sure it wasn't like that at 1am, and maybe something totally wild happened while I'm asleep, like he and Peter Mandelson had a raging fist fight over who ate the last pork pie.

I spend a good ten minutes trying to work that out, but everyone in the BBC is behaving normally, like no-one mentions the punch up, so maybe I dreamed it. Then I began to dream of bed, and that seemed good.

I really wanted to see slimeball Balls stand up and face the baying hordes, so I'm cross at my own lack of stamina. I'll be kind to myself. Maybe the infill line of political interviewing over how to solve the international debt crisis overwhelmed me. Especially as the political commentators were Joan Collins' uplifted cheekbones, Bruce Forsyth's deceased hairpiece and Fern Britton's used gastric band.

So I woke this morning and there it was, a hung parliament, which is what I wanted. For the whole bunch of them to be so busy crawling around their own innards that they leave me alone to get on with my life. I guess they now do all the manoeuvring for power - not for themselves you understand - but in the national interest. Don't tell them that my interest right now is to enjoy the thought of them all floundering around some slimy length of intestine somewhere hoping to grab onto a floating bit of spaghetti.

And of course I discover on waking that BullyBoyBalls isn't Portillo. I am in mourning. That was so close, and I think there should be a recount, with all the people who couldn't vote going round to Morley and Outwood and voting there. It could just change that outcome.

But now it's all done and dusted. Apart from like, er, who governs. Yet there is one burning question left for me in this strange hanging-about-the-radio day. And that is how do those BBC presenters keep up all night? Are they taking something? I want some of that. There's Dimbleby and he must be aged over 70 and he can keep going all night. Why doesn't he fall facestraightdown into his papers zzzzzzzzzz at 3am?

Next time, whatever he's having, I want some in my beer.


screamish said...

I wake myself up with my own throat rattling about 2.30,

ha ha!!!!!!!

a fitting response to the hung parliament. interesting times, no?

Rachel M. said...

I'm confused - I woke up to a report saying "David Cameron Declares Victory".

sharon said...

Spent much of yesterday on the Times website relaying results to Luddite husband. Considered opinion is that Lib Dems make a pact with Labour (sigh!) and get PR through, and another election within a year! Good luck folks.

Maire said...

We made four O'Clock and trudged to bed depressed that Ballsup got back in, just hope he is metaphorically castrated in a hung parliament!

Grit said...

hello people, thank you for your comments!

this is just about the best result, rachel. the tories can only walk about with their hands on their hips and their noses in the air claiming poopoo they won and it's MORAL. and that's about all. Meanwhile, labour have no power at all but no-one can get them out of number 10.

Clare said...

Dimbleby's secret is lots of honey, apparently. For energy, and keeps his voice going. I was also very impressed, although super cross that I'd stayed up till 3 waiting for something to happen. Was good for nothing Friday. Your dh is very wise.

GoodWife said...

I got a phone call yesterday from a home educator I know who lives in Morley. The count looked like a conservative win until they counted the postal votes. And there was a recount, we think at the request of Balls. Balls had at least 3 unions and a bunch of ex-miners knocking on doors to support him (and still only won by 1101 votes out of 48,856 - a very close thing). At hustings the Conservative, Antony Calvert , had to wrestle the microphone away from Balls as he kept nicking it out of his hands.

I think this lady and her family will be visiting a few of Balls' surgeries over the coming months to keep him on his toes......

Grit said...

honey! that is excellent. i am knocking back the manuka stuff myself these days, so i am keeping good company!

hi goodwife! it was so very close and with so many other candidates, he simply cannot say he has the majority support there. i fear the day he begins the leadership campaign. what can we make of a labour party headed by balls?