Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Why Squirrel is going to be a lawyer

Good morning, my lovely Shark, Tiger and Squirrel!

Yesterday's chemistry was good, wasn't it? Would you like to make a return visit to the Science Museum today? For Have You Eaten Rice Yet? A lecture by Doc Stevenson!

Shark: (No response. Staring fixedly at computer screen, clicking mouse.)
Tiger: I want to read my book.
Squirrel: No. I want to stay here and make my dolly house.

Grit: (Thinks, Rats. This is not the required response at all. I will have to implement my Home Educating Parent Strategies. I will get these children to do exactly as I want, and simultaneously trick them into believing they thought of it.)

Strategy 1. Show enthusiasm.
It will be fun! And brilliant! Grrrrr-ea--t!

(silence)

RICE! HAVE YOU EATEN RICE YET! What a BRILLIANT title. I CAN'T WAIT.

Strategy 2. Offer a reward in advance.
Hey everyone! I will buy you ice cream!

(silence)

I will buy you ice cream and - if I am feeling in a good mood - I will stop at Starbucks. They have lovely cakes.

Strategy 3. Lie.
You have to study chemistry. It is The Law. It says all children must be educated by school or otherwise. Then it says in Chemistry, Maths, English, a foreign language and some other things I can't remember.

(silence)

Strategy 4. Make threats.
Well, that's fine. It's your choice. You can DO IT MY WAY or YOU CAN GO TO SCHOOL and DO IT THEIR WAY.

Strategy 5. Intimidate.
Sure. Go to school. If that's what you want. Study Chemistry there. You will discover how cruel Chemistry teachers can be. If you make one tiny mistake in your five hours of gruelling homework, they'll shove your head down the toilet.

(silence)

Our Chemistry teacher carried an axe.

And napalm.

Strategy 6. Use emotional blackmail.
I WORK SO HARD FOR YOU. SEE how mama - poor mama - has GIVEN UP EVERYTHING FOR YOU. I could have had a well-paid job! I could have been RESPECTED (stab chest dramatically). I would have had NICE SHOES (point to feet dramatically).

(silence)

(Tear at hair feebly and look a bit Virgin Mary.)

Strategy 7. Induce guilt.
Of course I'm disappointed. But what else could I expect? You will let everyone down, you know that, don't you? Of course your friends will be disappointed that you never showed up. That's okay. If you can live with it.

(silence)

Strategy 8. Try humiliation.
I shall have no choice but to tell all your friends that you thought making a dolly house was more important than seeing them, having fun at the Chemistry lecture, and going out for ice cream afterwards.

(silence)

Strategy 9. Plead.
Okay, please come to chemistry. Please, please, PLEASE. Pretty please?

(silence)

I will be your slave all day tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that.

Strategy 10. Go AWOL.
OH MY GOD I THINK I MIGHT BE HAVING A BREAKDOWN. ONLY YOU CAN STOP ME NOW. ONLY YOU CAN SAVE ME FROM MYSELF!

(silence)

LOOK! I'M HEADING TOWARDS THE KITCHEN BIN AND I'M OUT OF CONTROL. SAY YOU'LL COME TO CHEMISTRY AND EVERYTHING WILL BE NORMAL AGAIN.

(Five minute pause)

Squirrel: Cake on the way to the lecture. Starbucks when it is over. A lie-in on Friday morning. A trip to the art supply shop on Saturday. Ice cream on the way to the ferry. And pasta for dinner. Two nights running.

Grit: God, Squirrel. You drive a hard bargain.

It's a deal.

Tiger: (looking up from book) What did you say?
Shark: (staring at computer screen) Mummy, I've found this lecture on rice. It looks really good. Can we go?

1 comment:

Nora said...

I love how you told this story and I love your dramatics and can just envision them. I imagine myself doing something similar. The punchline is great. The whole thing did put a big grin on my face. I would have liked to have been there, but you telling it is probably just as good. XOX