Thursday, 8 March 2012

Handy hint for the homesick Brit

So you find yourself in Hong Kong, yearning for a slice of home? Follow these instructions.

1. Take the MTR to Tai Po Market Station.

2. Wait a minute for me. I'm just popping to the loo, right there before the turnstile. You never know when the next one is.

3. Leave the station on the right-hand side; follow the green covered walkway.

4. Observe the sign over the bakery on the opposite side of the road: No Animal Fats. Spend some time wondering how much pork fat the children have consumed today.

5. Reach the end of the covered walkway.

6. Cross the small road that forks to the right-hand side. Don't go to the library side! No matter how much you think about 'popping in'. It will only delay us on this mission of mercy.

7. Take the first turn right. Yes, the pedestrian route through the fruit and veg market.

8. Stop to buy some apples for later, where you can be ritually humiliated by the woman stallholder who gesticulates in your direction while shouting. All the other people in the street stare at you then hold their sides and laugh helplessly. Smile, feebly.

9. Reach the square. Take the first turning to the left.

10. Cross the road. Use the appropriate crossing point. Observe how the Hong Kongers do this. They are very obedient, are they not? They probably know something about jaywalking and certain death.

11. You're over the road! Face the street ahead of you. You should see a sign. Can you see it?

12. A proper caff! The Shortbread Company.

13. Relax and look around. It's like a refugee station for Brits. (If Chris and kids are in there, wave.) Everything is perfect. Formica tables, ketchup, paper napkins like greaseproof paper. Run by Scottish-Cantonese. Enjoy your all-day breakfast if you are a meat-eater. Enjoy the bowl of chips if you are Shark, Squirrel and Tiger. Enjoy the cup of tea and ginger cake if you are Grit.

And if you cannot follow Grit's journey, then use your map or GPS for no. 16, Nam Shing Street, Tai Po. The ginger cake is highly recommended.

1 comment:

MadameSmokinGun said...

At last! You find some proper culture!!