Sunday, 8 November 2009

The peaceful Sunday history walk in Salcey Forest

Tiger: Will there be dogs?

Grit: Probably. It's Sunday. People walk dogs on Sunday.

Leader: Hello everyone! Welcome to Salcey Forest! There aren't many of us. I'll go and get the dog.

Grit [sinks to ground in despair]

Tiger: [shouting] MUMMY! I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!

Grit: [trying to pass off writhing behaviour like this is normal] Um um um, excuse me, umumum do you mind, umumum, my daughters are scared of dogs. Could you keep the dog on a lead? thankyouthankyouthankyou.

Squirrel: [shouting] MUMMY I WANT TO GO NOW.

[History group walks on, a few backward glances cast to the performance at the back of the line.]

Grit: [whispering] It will be alright. I am here. I will protect you from dogonlead.

Tiger: [whimpering sounds]

Leader: We've walked back in time and here we are at the ice age! Now in the ice age...

Tiger: Mummy! Don't leave me! Keep it away from me!

Grit: Shut up about the damn dog. It's nowhere near you. Stop whimpering. I cannot hear anything about the ice age.

Tiger: [whimpering sounds]

Grit: Ssssshhhs. shhhshs. shshshsss. If it comes near you I will do something. I cannot pick a fight with someone because they have dogonlead. We have strategies, remember? We have strategies for dogonlead and dognotonlead. We have to come out the house! We cannot stay at home forever because we might see dogonlead and dognotonlead.

Leader: Now we'll walk forward in time to our next stop! The iron age!

Grit: Now look I didn't hear anything about the damn ice age. Stop making that noise. People are looking.

[Repeat this conversation for...

Anglo Saxon ditching and forestry techniques...

Trees planted from the times of the Norman invasion to provide hunting forest...

Medieval coppicing...

Hunting in the Tudor style...

The establishment of forests for timber supplies for the navy to the battle of Trafalgar.]

I would say there was no respite at all from the dogonlead and dognotonlead, bar this moment, when an antler was found, and the whimpering changed to Cooo! Antler! If a dog comes near me, mummy you can hit it with the antler.


The Green Stone Woman said...

You just have to get a dog.

Maire said...

Ah yes a lovely puppy, persistence is a useful quality.

sharon said...

They will get over it eventually. But if any friends acquire a puppy, frequent visits might help it happen a bit quicker. Given your lifestyle a dog of your own may not be such a brilliant idea though.

Grit said...

but we are getting better. slowly.

we can do dog stroking after intensive negotiation with all parties, including dog. not many people are prepared to put in such work with us, so i remain grateful to those who do.

and if anyone reads this and you do not have voice control over your dog, but let it off the lead to jump at my children, then you have to bear in mind that i now have an antler.

Merry said...

We used to have this very thing, but with hand dryers in public toilets. Very wearing.

We still have it with dogs. If i had an antler, i *might* hit the child with it by now - 11 years of dog horror is just too much. And i don't like them either.


Hannah said...

Oh how I laughed at seeing this written down - we go through this all the time! Cameron is not a dog fan either.