Friday, 13 November 2009

A time and place for everything

It's inevitable, what with my Munchhausen's Syndrome by Proxy and the way I tie up and beat each of my home educated triplets with frozen fish, that eventually I'll have to take the weakest and feeblest of them to the doctors.

I do that today. We have not much else to do, and with my keen eyesight, when she rolls out of bed this morning at 11am, she looks like a hamster.

So I get her over to the health centre, and apart from looking like a hamster, there is nothing wrong with this particular driblet, I can tell you. She is like one sulky argumentative little kid griblet, prodded out of bed, poked in the face, and brought to the attention of the National Health Service.

Tomorrow is Saturday, I tell her, and if looking like a hamster means the start of a horrible BIG disease, then it will happen on Saturday, and that will be inconvenient. Now get in the car.

And here she is, scowling, dragging her feet, crossing her arms, and doing that snorty harrumph noise while head tossing.

Sitting in the surgery with the very nice old doctor lady, I say I wake up this morning and she looks like a hamster.

If you follow this blog you will of course know that at this point I have an expression on my face that reads And I have Munchhausen's Syndrome by Proxy! Pay attention to ME ME ME.

The old lady doc peers at the miserable sulky triglet through her halfmoon doctor glasses, and says, She does a bit.

And she has no other symptoms! I add. (Apart from sulkyitis, snortynose, scowlydragfoot and harrumphing.)

And how do you feel, little girl? Asks kind old lady doc to the crossed arm sulk pit.

[Snort snort harrumph.]

Can I look into your mouth? Say aaaahhhhh.

[Snortynoise]

Can you say aaaaaaaaahhhhhh?

[Snortynoise]

Can I look in your ears?

[Harrumph.]

I see. And how are you eating?

[Harrumph.]

Mum? Is she eating alright?

Oh, MY BIG CHANCE! Because with the MSbyP it's now all about ME ME ME! She is eating fine! (I gave her the usual pint of vodka on cheerios this morning, and she wolfed them down and asked for her three lines of cocaine, like normal. What could possible be wrong? Apart from looking like a hamster and pre-teen snortynoising?)

Well it could be an infection. Or a virus. Or something. Did you go to school today little girl?

TOTAL SILENCE

Now you can hear a pin drop, because if nice doctor lady finds out THE TRUTH about our incredibly depraved lifestyle, we are in BIG TROUBLE.

Did she go to school today, mum?

Er er er er... she's um home educated?

Oh! Is there a reason for that?

STOP RIGHT THERE LADY. Now I have brought in a fritlet looking like a hamster and that is as far as I am going to go. That is an educational question you asked me, and this is a hamster related illness. If it were not for bully Balls and all his little minions, would you even conflate safeguarding and education? Do you seriously have five hours for me to answer that question with a teaching and learning philosophy? And anyway, what about the MSbP and ME ME ME?

But I am saved from all embarrassment, because the little sulky griblet who has done nothing but scowl and frown and snort and harrumph when the MSbP mother frogmarched her to torture at the doctor's surgery, suddenly can take NO MORE!

She swings round in her seat, targets that laser beam of withering scowl direct at old lady doc and shouts

BECAUSE I HATED NURSERY!

And me and old lady doc both sit with our hair shot away to a big circle round our dumbfounded faces and our eyebrows perched on top of our heads because we were just blasted in the face by a giant tornado and never saw it coming.

In my heart, little triblet, I love you more than ever, because maybe you took advantage of my hesitation there to tell that doctor lady to cross that line no further; and bringing up all your force and direct words you chose the most appropriate or inappropriate or best ever timed moment to yell that out in someone's inquiring face and settle that matter once and for all.

Daughter, even though you look like one sulky hamster, I am taking you right home and giving you a big smackeroo.

7 comments:

Michelle said...

She doesn't have anything horribly contagious does she? Obviously my first thoughts are for her wellbeing, but after that . . .

Besides, GP's only have a few minutes per person so I think I will just question the time available for me. Our GP privately educated his kids. People who have rejected the state system for whatever reason are generally more understanding in any event.

mamacrow said...

o fab!!!!! hope she feels better soon and keeps her germs to herself!

Deb said...

By smackeroo you do mean with the aforementioned frozen fish, yes?

Grit said...

hi michelle, i will send you an email. i am not particularly worried, if that helps!

hi mamacrow! i have doused her in dettol and made her wear a bell. the rest of the family is in hiding.

absolutely, deb. sometimes to give them a break i use fish fingers, but they don't make quite the same slapping sound.

Heather said...

snotty, ahrumphing sulkyitis. *shudder* sounds delightful.

i really think someone should take you to task over the frozen fish, however. Fish have feelings too you know, and using them as a mere prop in your child torture ritual is both disgusting and disrespectful.

Moderate Means said...

"sulkyitis, snortynose, scowlydragfoot and harrumphing"

Oh my goodness - it must be an epidemic because we've been experiencing it here, too!

naomilever said...

Haha!

Grit,you are my favourite blogger.. Whenever I feel like life is becoming a bit of a stuggle or I start to question my sanity ,I simply re-read one or two of your blogs and the smile across my face just grows! I realise I'm in good company and my reasons to home ed become clear again.

Love it!


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