Saturday, 27 February 2010

The TES is nearly my favourite comedy newspaper

Gawd bless the TES. They cheer me up something statistically enormous in these wasteland days.

Here's Kerra Maddern, gone behind the boiler to receive the arsefacts from the Ministry of Truth and Trust, manufactured by Ed Balls.

Kerra, bless her, has carefully copied out the wrods in the Ministry of Truth and Trust press release and writ them down in proper TES style.

The TES then sends them off by invisible fairy mail to the printers, who make all that magic ink-printery stuff happen.

So here it is. The latest truth in the TES. And it is TRUE, every bit of what the DCSF/TES writ. Almost as true, but not quite as true, as Grit's astonishing facts, which she has carefully collated by means of a statistically accurate truth machine with knobs on:

83% of all women in the UK yesterday went out of the house wearing NON-MATCHING UNDERWEAR. I myself wore white bra and black knickers. 100% class.

21% of all babies are born smoking a pipe.

6% of agricultural farm labourers around the world working for less than US$1 a day are killed annually by donkeys. 32% of those donkeys fall out of aeroplanes. 1.9% of donkeys are pushed.

33.56% of wombats drink vodka between the hours of 2am and 3.55pm. You're amazed. You thought the figure was lower, didn't you? Well that just shows how good wombats are at hiding their addictions. They just do it secretly in burrows and you don't see them. 56% also have better sex with viagra.

Less than 0.1% of anything the TES prints is true, but it is 98% amusing.

Now go and read something serious, for goodness sake.


Heather said...

so who's pushing all those donkeys out of planes? and how did they get them in there in the first place? i'm betting it's quite hard to get a donkey to go somewhere it doesn't want to and I imagine a plane isn't somewhere a donkey wants to many things to ponder over lunch...

Glowstars said...

You mean I'm supposed to be wearing matching undies?

Big mamma frog said...

Undies? What are they?

Oh you mean those comfy crotch holders with elastic at the top.

Well mine definitely don't match the bolder holders up top.

Potty Mummy said...

Matching undies? Whoever heard of such an abomination? Jesus - you'll be telling us we're supposed to wear our pants inside our trousers next...

kellyi said...

They didn't put my comment on :(

They probably don't permit 99.9% of comments that say how rubbish their reporting is.

ABIGAIL said...

My name is Abigail Pogrebin; I'm an identical twin and former 60 Minutes producer who just published a book about twins called "One and the Same." I think any parent of twins or multiples will find much to chew on and maybe some guidance as to how to dodge pitfalls of doubleness. I'd love to speak to you about the possibility of a book review and/or author Q&A. My email is,