Entering the hormonal world of the pre-teen

After today, I think I can safely say that we have entered the nightmare zone of the pre-teens.

I am discovering the pre-teen landscape takes many forms.

There is a lot of random screaming, sudden outbursts of piteous crying, and unpredictable explosive fits of violence, some of which involves tables.

There is a lot of sudden and sustained shouting too. Of the type DO YOU WANT ME TO PUNCH YOU IN THE NOSE? WELL, DO YOU?

Then there is the other type: the sneer attack, executed with indifferent glance, hair flick and hip hand.

That last one is brutal. It aims to murder me with words.

But I am finding this territory very confusing.

Part of me wants to use the child management techniques that I know for sure worked six years ago. Hey, Look! There is a balloon!

But that's not going to work. I can see the pre-teen has a developed brain and can follow an argument through. They know a pathetic distraction method when they see one. It leaves me flustered, knowing that part of me is inadequate, and confounded, and bewildered. I do not know how to react.

But I must not show my confusion. To do that is to critically delay for seconds while I think the situation through, and that gives the pre-teen the crucial advantage and authority. They will think their sneer has worked, and that they have won.

I need to plan ahead. Maybe this moment is a secret test of my parenting. I must be super ego. I must model calm, parental authority. I must shut my gaping mouth, and think before I speak. I must avoid harridan shrieking, undignified yelling, sarcastic answers. If I do that, afterwards I will feel ashamed.

But part of me is outraged with this cruel betrayal! How could they use their dearest mama in such a vile way! Me! I have given ALL. I could wring my hands, tear at my hair, and rend my clothes with the disloyal serpent's teeth I have bred!

But part of me would like to punch them in the face first.

So I am finding this moment of crisis parenting particularly difficult.

Especially the part of me that is secretly impressed that they can shoot a wisecrack backchat in a fingerclick. They do it with just the right pause. A perfect intonation.

That takes skill. That takes linguistic ability. That takes interpretation, social judgment, cool and confident delivery. Ahh. See that pre-teen? That's my girl.