Promises much, delivers little

Thanks to my role in the new home educational regime (which you can be sure I will be quickly amending, or go berserk), I have now sat for a further 8 hours with a numb arse and an intractable problem involving a straw.

However, since I have been thinking of more conventional schooling matters, I show you this.

Grit's school report.

So long as you show me something of yours. In the comments box, please, and not waved in my face via Skype, as I read some members of the teaching profession are now driven to do.

English
Never fails to set high expectations. From which point we can all be consistently underwhelmed. Grade D.

Maths
Terrible. Is unable to handle rudimentary calculations. Is unlikely to become a functioning member of society. Can only hope to marry money. Grade U.

Biology
Fair. In the past year, has conducted intensive studies of moths, ants, cockroaches and millipedes. However, must learn that correct scientific study excludes spraying subjects with DDT, or hitting them with hammers while screaming DIE DIE DIE. Grade D.

Physics
Has enthusiasm, but demonstrates no understanding whatsoever. Continues to insist that electricity is brought by invisible unicorns in their magic horns. Cannot be entered for further examination in this subject. Grade U.

Chemistry
Over-confident. Shows no ability to hypothesise or even plan basic experiments safely. The laboratory table has still not recovered from the acid. Grade U.

Languages
Extremely poor. Seems to think buying a takeaway pizza is a substitute for Latin. Grade U.

Geography
Shows engagement with field studies yet demonstrates spasms of silly behaviour, limited spatial awareness, and terrible sense of direction. Constantly asking for GPS support even in rudimentary conditions. Needs full-time supervision. Grade D.

History
Belligerent. Frequently picks fights with seniors and teaching staff. Refuses to accept authority. Must realise that over-confidence in this area will gain few admirers. Grade E.

Music
Dangerous near all musical instruments thanks to profound lack of talent crossed with enthusiasm to discover 'what it does'. Listening skills also poor. They must improve beyond 1989 and Frazier Chorus. Grade U.

Dance
The worst-performing pupil in the history of humanity with no redeeming features whatsoever. The dance mistress has now removed the iPod after legal advice on matters of Public Safety. Grade Zero.

Domestic Science
Sloppy. Needs to understand that an ingredient range can be greater than two onions and a tin of tomatoes. This term, have had to confiscate cooking sherry and gin. Grade F.

Art
Too fond of playing the fool. Must stop inciting fellow classmates to commit dangerous and criminal acts with paint. Otherwise, drew a fair picture of a wombat. Grade D.

Citizenship
Tries hard in English conduct skills. Making progress in awkward silences, apologising, exhibiting embarrassing behaviour. Employing techniques of scowling and shouting at foreigners to good practical effect. Random acts of violence are improving although need better focus. Grade D.

Physical Education
Suspension given as a result of sulky, uncooperative behaviour. Hiding the basket ball then lying about its whereabouts fails to grasp the essentials of sporting play. Clearly not a team player. Grade U.

Socialisation
Far too easily led by others into regrettable company and ill advised acts. Lacking in charm, modesty, restraint. Bottoms are not that funny. And telling Ms Whittleberg to Bugger Off and Take The Pussy With Her has been a low point. Grade U.

Progress
We are sad to report that extremely little progress has been made this term and we are unlikely to be seeing a scholar in the making.

However, this lack of achievement or ambition has, on occasions, been tempered by the maintenance of a cheerful disposition. We suggest focusing on this quality as a means to offset the character problems which remain deep-rooted.

Despite every indication to the contrary, we hope for better next term, and request that the outstanding invoice for repairs to the bathroom door is settled in full, immediately.