Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Michael Gove; infant with train set

Not surprising.

Since Global Gove left China his eyes have been all wide-eyed and starry; his brain ticking away like an infant planning playtime.

What knocked him out in China, apparently, was an ordinary book of homework. He was told it was merely research papers - look, nothing special! Simply written by ordinary students.

There was probably a moment of silence as the awe-struck Michael took this document in his trembling hand, the jealousy rising, for what the Asian education system produces, while his brain tells him these papers by 13-year olds are surely to be compared to the professional academic, peer-reviewed journal articles in the miserable, fallen-behind, lost-the-global-educational-race, failed UK.

So, like infant Joe, he's determined to change your education system. He's bringing it up to date for a twenty-first century world. He has a train set. You are the dinosaurs.

Now what steps could Michael plan, to turn your kids into proper world scholars, whipping the behinds of the Mini Changs? With his eyes starred from the successes of the east, but with his Tory heart beating, here's playtime.

1. Raise your parental anxiety level.
Essential to all ideologically-driven change, the parent-dinosaurs must first be softened up, and made to feel like shit.

We ask, What is wrong with your kid? Tinkertop is failing. She is falling behind! Look! She wants to stuff worms in her pockets and she's aged six! Why is she not reading like her Asian competitors? Do you stupid parents not know Mini Chang has already read the Asian classics and she is aged five.

Huh. Tinkertop is doomed. Unless you access the right nursery from age two and pump her brain with a standardised Phonics Reading Course from a reputable education supplier to be conducted at home on weekends.

2. Undermine the professional authority of state-trained teachers.
Here's my next train coming! Toot toot!

PGCEs waste time, don't they? Dossy, scrounging students, loafing for a year? And look at the result! Failing schools. You dinosaurs are right not to value Tinkertop's poxy teacher!

What the UK train should do is make teachers better. Beat them. Make training courses shorter, 100% classroom-based, and no pedagogy nonsense.

Then howabout taking courses away from universities altogether? Encourage private business to take over training!

We could assign school functions to lower-class, state-trained ancillaries, on hire-em/fire-em contracts, and schools could buy in services of privately-trained, classroom-experienced Deliverers of Curriculum.

Schools could ignore the local authority, and buy services from agencies who supply specialist staff, for a fee. With only a small contribution from you - which you are sure to make to improve Tinkertop's chances of success - the government provides the service you want and saves money!

3. Set up UK Education on business franchise principles.
Put the dinosaur parents on the train! Then, even though I am in charge of the track, it looks like they are driving the train!

Tell the dinosaurs they have total control to buy Tinkertop's educational services. You want your school to be academies, don't you? Academies want to be run like businesses! What's more, they're an excellent means by which to cream off public money and put it in private hands.

Think of the possibilities, dinosaurs. You could buy in everything. Private companies could offer curriculum packages, school administration services, security, homework marking - anything!

You name it, everything educational could be outsourced! Tinkertop's entire educational career from birth could be supplied at competitive cost by private enterprise!

All led by Michael's mates, come round for playtime.

Nonsense. We are only playing.

1 comment:

Nora said...

I hope he's seriously only playing and that this mad scap scheme does not come to fruition. That would be awfully scary.