Attempted murder

Trouble in Smalltown. About 9.30 last night there was a bit of a rumpus outside the local Co-op. Some poor bloke is critical in hospital and the would-be murderer is arrested along with the rest of his family.

I find out this morning when I pop out for dishwasher powder; an errand I'm rather glad I didn't do last night about 9.30. Two riot vans today in the street outside and a copper standing by the garden gate of a house five doors from us. He has his arms folded, like he's guarding the house. He is, so we discover, while searches are carried out and a vehicle's towed away.

All the neighbours are out and about today, just like us, pretending to be busy about errands like getting dishwasher powder. If we had a dog, I'd walk it right now, because I hear there are more riot vans down Caesar Street and a cordoned-off area by the bank.

We should be used to it by now. We had all this after the recent trouble at the local Place of Religious Worship. For about a month afterwards you couldn't move on the streets for police. They were either walking about in pairs or installing mobile cameras or putting up signs on lamp posts telling everyone they're being watched so report it to Crimestoppers now. Apparently this is all to reassure the public, whoever they are.

Of course, I don't want to give the impression that Smalltown is some sort of crime central. All of this is normal, isn't is? Smalltown's probably normal. There was the owner of a taxi firm we used who took out a contract on her husband. She got found out, thanks to the hitman being an undercover policeman. The local kidnapping was a bad deal though. And the stabbing down the back lane was a bit depressing. The helicopters were around for days after the Co-op raid. How we all laughed though when a cannabis factory was discovered in the cellar of a house just round the corner. And Mr Pod says his mate was found last week mugged in a gutter after popping down the pub at the bottom of the road, which is the place to go round here if you're looking for Charlie, Disco Burgers, Smack and Strawbs, apparently.

Oh the joy of it. I could move to the countryside of course. Then I'd have to listen to tales of poaching, cattle and sheep rustling, illegal hare coursing, badger baiting, illegal dumping and the odd country estate murder. And there'd be not a policeman in sight for weeks, maybe months.

With the level of service we'll get round here for a while I guess it'll be safe to leave the car unlocked with the tom-tom sat nav inside. Well, that'll be a relief, because I'm always leaving the car unlocked with the tom-tom sat nav inside. So on second thoughts, perhaps I'll just stay put. And at least I can forget about the tom-tom sat nav for a while.