Not funny

We're in shifts again. I took Shark, Squirrel and Tiger to Rockingham Castle yesterday so Dig could work, and today Dig takes the kids to a local Medieval Day, leaving me at home. I'm typesetting a depressing book on the language use in rape trials. Every half hour I need to wander round the house to avoid 'She asked for it'. So there's nothing funny there.

In the evening Aunty Dee calls up, and there's nothing funny there either. Aunty Dee speaks only to Dig because I'm slogging away with the 'Cases cited'. When Dig's finished on the phone I ask for the latest news.

Vee's been staying with Dee, he says. Vee is Dee's twin sister. Vee is an evangelical Christian who sells harps. She can't have been in Northumberland to unscrew the shelves or pull up the carpet from the Family Pile, I think. For a start, she's already done it, and second up, the house is sold last December and gone to the revolting Scrimvers.

I try and be interested in Vee's movements. 'How's Todd?' I ask. Todd is Vee's husband. 'Not there,' replies Dig. 'He's gone on holiday to South Wales with his cancer support group.'

So, not much fun there then, either. Anything else? I ask.
'Bill's in hospital with a stomach complaint' says Dig.
I say, 'Does this face look bothered?' I think this might be witty.

Dig looks shocked and asks what I mean. 'Bill can drop dead for all I care' I add, looking down my nose. Bill's the boyfriend to Uncle Eff and the catalyst that caused the sale of the Family Pile in Northumberland.

'Not that Bill' tuts Dig. Bill's also the name of Shark, Tiger and Squirrel's little cousin who lives in Gateshead. He's aged five.

It's just not a funny kind of day.