Wednesday, 9 January 2008

Tea or coffee?

This is not a good day.

Today the diet task is to change our drinking routine. I realise, in hindsight, I could have interpreted this. I could have drunk a Pouilly Fume, for example, instead of the cheap red stuff I get from the Co-op at two litres for a fiver.

But, foolishly, I did not. Disastrously, I changed morning coffee for tea.

Normally, Grit rolls out of bed and makes strong black coffee and none of that instant crap either. Now I don't know if there are special little connectors between brain and mouth, and they're only activated by strong black coffee, but my brain spends most of today not connected to my mouth at all, thus ensuring a constant stream of incoherent rubbish.

Example 1: Grit has driven Shark, Squirrel and Tiger to art with Hitler. They have unwisely started these art lessons again, even though mummy Grit has told them that Teech is really a witch is disguise and has no toes. It is all to no avail. Shark, Squirrel and Tiger want to go because Em, their little friend is here, and they get biscuits at breaktime. But we are late. And thus, the following as we disgorge from the car in the car park outside the lesson:

Mummy Grit: Quick! Quick! Get down and get in the box! Quick! Quick!
Squirrel: What is the box?
Mummy Grit: What box? Is there a box? Have you brought a box? You haven't brought a box have you? We haven't got time for boxes. Just get in there now. If Hitler asks, say the battery fell out.

Example 2: We are in Hitler's art. It is no better than when we did this before. In fact, it is worse. Hitler holds up a painting of a horse by George Stubbs and all but says 'Look at the gee gee, isn't it a pretty gee gee? Now everyone, this is art, so go and colour in a horse mask. Look! I know you couldn't possibly draw a horse face, so the mask outline is already on your desk! I ripped it off from Enchanted Learning!'

Grit is seething. But there is worse to come. Shark, Squirrel and Tiger quickly finish the colouring in. Teech comes over and gives them a picture of a robot and says 'See if you can do a robot mask'. Grit, who has discovered it is her turn to to the ruddy teas and coffees again, comes in and finds Squirrel drawing a robot. 'What's this?' I ask. Squirrel shrugs her shoulders and replies 'Dunno. It's something she gave us to keep us quiet'. Grit is incensed. Grit is outraged. Perhaps coffee has an effect on her socialisation skills too. Because Grit takes the picture of a robot, holds it up in the air and:

Grit to Hitler (shouting in a very challenging voice): Has this got anything to do with horses?
Hitler: er... it's Epstein... er
Grit (even louder): Is it anything to do with horses?
Hitler: er... no... it's...
Grit (slamming picture of robot on desk): Ha! So it's not a horse! I didn't think it was a horse! It looks nothing like a horse! Does it look like a horse? It doesn't! And it isn't!

Example 3: French starts half an hour after art finishes. Fortunately, it's in the same little town, so we don't have to drive. But today Grit has had to help with the clearing up after art because of the rota that she didn't know she was on, so we are late. Thus, running across the car park towards the zebra crossing:

Grit: Quick! Quick! We are late! Squirrel stop mucking about! Let's get across the table! (pause) Table? Table? Did I say table?

Sadly, this is proof enough that there is no substitute for a good cup of strong black coffee in a morning. On this one, I may just have to gain the pounds.


Michelle said...

So if I exchange my morning mug of tea for strong black coffee, my brain will connect to my mouth for the first time in about 7 years?

Worth a try I guess.

Allie said...

Coffee first thing would give me a migraine and cause my brain to disconnect from my mouth. I also run words together. The best one of these was last year at the theatre when I offered Dani the programme to carry and asked, "Do you have a pockynutbigiff?" This translates as "Do you have a big enough pocket?"

Tea makes the connections for me. I'm pretty silent before tea works its magic.

Elibee said...

At least you used a word even if it was the wrong one. I am usually standing in the coffee shop saying, 'could I have a' (long pause and state of panic creeping in for good measure) 'a um' (I'm looking at the picture how can I not know the word) 'a um, in a cup, brown, not tea' (When star comes to the rescue and says) 'Coffee Mummy' to which the 12 year old behind the counter says 'cappuccino, latte, americano?' and I start crying while Star sorts out my double shot latte and feeds it to me with a straw.

Michelle said...

yeah elibee but what size cup?

It's too, too much.