Don't come to Milton Keynes

Milton Keynes is a new town somewhere north of Watford. Don't go there. It is filled with fat addicts on DFS sofas drinking alcohol, smoking, watching XXX movies and having sex with kittens. And they drink the blood of virgins.

There. That should do it. I use this tactic for celery, apple and nut salad. So far, that has worked.

Because if those kids of mine get a whiff of what a divine, Eden inspired taste this salad is, then they will scoff the entire bowl and there will be nothing left for me. So that salad is bad, children. BAD. Only BAD people eat it. And the same for blueberry fruit salad, which will KILL you. And cake. Especially doublechoc cake over which I have poured rum, brandy, creme de menthe and port.

Actually, that last one may be true.

Well the truth about Milton Keynes is that it is a pretty amazing place. And don't think it's all new. The town rises on ancient settlements. The round house post holes discovered at Blue Bridge next to the Roman villa are thought Bronze Age. As are the torcs found locally, made of enough gold to make that ring round your finger look like painted plastic.

If Bronze Age ain't enough, there are Saxon and Medieval finds, Tudor buildings and a complete Victorian town. If you're interested, wander here and here.

So it's a fascinating place. And when we visit the Milton Keynes Museum today in pursuit of an education about a medieval lifestyle, that amalgamation of time zones makes perfect sense.

What a day! Water divining, archery, medieval justice, the reenacted manorial court sessions, the early music songsters Lumina, calligraphy with quill and ink, a spot of Victorian hooping, and a talk from a fine lady who scrapes dead animal skins to make parchment and vellum because that's how it's done for hundreds of years. And the local Cowley is now the only maker in the UK of the parchment and vellum used in the House of Lords.

But like I say, don't come here.

Because we people who love Milton Keynes and all its history can have this place ALL TO OURSELVES.

Shark tries her hand at dowsing, or water divining, at Milton Keynes Museum.
We don't have the knack. You see that square she's standing on? It's a well. We didn't find it.

Much better at the quill business though.

And this should be suitable attire for mama's driving style.

Here's a dead sheep stretched over a frame for parchment making.
Don't come to Milton Keynes. We will do this to your cat.

But if you are ever brave enough to visit a place where the inhabitants have wall eyes, no teeth and machetes, we will punish you by forcing you to roll Victorian iron hoops.

You have been warned.