Let's go to the dentist

Well, in the scale of things, the dentist went off alright. We were in there for 45 minutes, mostly trying to persuade Shark to get in the chair that goes whrrrrrrr. She wouldn't, anyway.

After 15 minutes, Dr Fang had got a bit fed up. He'd tried, 'Look! Teddy can sit in my chair!' And he'd demonstrated his chair going up and down. I'd got in it and pretended I was going off to the moon. Dr Fang gamely went 'Whoosh! Whhhrrrrr! Blast off!'

Well Shark wasn't having any of it, and after 15 minutes agreed to have her teeth checked, standing up. Not opening her mouth was a bit of a drawback.

By that time I was getting a bit fed up too.

Now I'm making no apologies to the TCS parents out there. I tell Shark that the bottom line is that we are not here to play with the chair or spend two hours examining teddy, who won't open his mouth either. All that is a cheap deception disguised to get you to agree to a check up. Deal with it. Now open up. I can get that mouth to open pretty quick if I stick my fingers up your nose. Come on, smartish. Or else.

Even though Shark was a bit of a trial, Squirrel was desperate to get in the chair. Until it did go Whrrrrrr with her actually in it, then she was desperate to get out again. So back up with the chair she goes, but at least she's perched on the edge of it when Dr Fang asks her if she brushes her teeth twice a day, and not plastered against the door, like Shark. Then Squirrel composes herself, and replies, diplomatically, 'Sometimes I forget'. Dr Fang bursts out laughing and Squirrel bursts into tears. She won't stop until I hold her hand and Dr Fang shouts 'Blast off!'

Then it's Tiger's turn. Tiger's in one of her 'I don't care!' attitudes, so jumps straight in the chair and gives him a stare as she opens her mouth, baring her teeth. I'm not sure Dr Fang wants to stick his fingers in there at that point, so after a quick glance with a mirror on a stick says everything seems to be going OK, and my goodness, we must be in a hurry after being there so long so better get going.

Now it's really my turn, and not just mucking about pretending to be an astronaut. I get the kids out, off with Ermintrude to walk back up the hill while I have some teeth cleaning done. Strangely, this lasts about 30 seconds. Usually it feels like it lasts several hours.

When it's done, I jump up and head for the door, managing to bring down a large plastic box Dr Fang's got positioned on the wall, holding notes and dental records. In my defence I say that I cannot see properly thanks to the plastic goggles the dental nurse now makes me wear. In a sad attempt at humour to diffuse the awkwardness of having sent his dental records box crashing to the floor I ask Dr Fang if the goggles are to safeguard me in case he goes beserk with his drill. Dr Fang doesn't look amused.

On reflection though, today has changed my view of things dental. I thought it was us who dreaded the dentists. I reckon after today's visit, the dentist dreads us.