Thursday's list

What a difficult day. I hardly know where to begin. Listing things is always a good idea in these troubled times, so here it is.

1. Gym and trampoline lessons for Shark, Squirrel and Tiger. We are late. Tiger is being irritating just because I have lost her gym costume again. I find it in the laundry basket with apple juice down the front. I get it out and flap it about a bit to get rid of the smell. I promise I will wash it for next week. Tiger reminds me that I said that last week too.

2. I am sure Ermintrude has been getting her own back on me after I suggested she might pay £45 in petrol fees for a lift into town last week. She keeps saying, 'How do I say zeez in English zat I want to go away now. Zeez afternoon'.

3. I have to bring everyone home after their gym and trampoline lessons and feel the need to force-feed three Tesco value pizzas to the entire family. Ermintrude looks especially glum.

4. I rush Squirrel down to the theatre for ballet Rehearsal 3. I have a timetable where it says Clouds are needed at 4.15 and 4.30. When we get there, no-one seems to know where Squirrel should change or wait. I worry that I have missed everything because by the time we find a corner to change it is 4.25. Then of course, I stop worrying. Twig is running 2 hours behind schedule, so I install Squirrel with the rest of the Clouds at the back of the theatre, and drive home to fetch Squirrel's tea. I bring it back to the theatre along with a foot-dragging Ermintrude.

5. I then go back home again and get Shark and Tiger in the car for drama. Fortunately they love drama and cannot get in the car fast enough. Getting into the car too fast means you fall down the front step and cry.

6. I run back to the theatre to find Cloud kicking the back of the seat in front of her and irritating the hell out of a Mountain fairy. I get from Ermintrude, who is sat in a different row reading Cosmopolitan, that she doesn't think Clouds are needed now because Twig changed the running order after I left and swapped Clouds over with Buttercups. So I drag the Cloud costume off, apologise to the Mountain fairy, and take Squirrel over to join in the last 40 minutes of drama. I take Ermintrude home where she disappears into her room.

7. I have half an hour to idle around. Dig tells me he just said goodbye to a man who came round to look at all the bathrooms, which leak. I bet Dig did not show Bathroom Man the bathroom in the office. The office bathroom is so disgusting that in 2002 I refused to go in there ever again. Apparently, Bathroom Man is putting in a quote to rip out two bathrooms and install new ones. I reckon that once he's seen the inside of our house and the bathroom painted like a jungle, he strangely forgets to quote for any work at the Pile, ever, even when he's telephoned to be reminded.

8. When I pick everyone up at 7pm I drive home and we eat pasta. I forget the kiddie RSPB meeting which also starts at 7pm. Unfortunately I make the mistake of shouting out this oversight at 8.30 pm, which is when it ends. Shark is inconsolable because she has 20 photographs of a nest box and 15 photographs of a blurred blue tit outside the office. She has been carefully saving this lot up for this evening so she can show Pied Wagtail. I say that she will have to show him next time.

9. It is 11.30pm and Aunty Dee is arriving from Newcastle. She wants to see Squirrel on the stage dressed as a Cloud. I tell her the performance is running at four hours so far and Squirrel's part is five minutes. I say Aunty Dee is lucky: the tickets are apparently going like hot cakes. In fact I was unable to get a ticket for myself at all.

10. Midnight. I search in vain for my iPod again. I have to conclude it really isn't me that has misplaced it. It has been stolen. And for that, I may have to try and kill myself.