If you get to the end of this...

1.Do you like blue cheese?
Once a year when Dig buys it at Christmas. I do not eat it because I cannot afford it. If I can afford it, I feel guilty because it is not very vegan. That blue cheese is Roquefort. I'm salivating at the thought. Rats. I have to wait until December.

2.Have you ever smoked heroin?
No. What do you think goes on here? The only thing close to drugs I've ever taken in my life was in San Francisco, incidentally, at the age of 17.

3. Do you own a gun?
I am threatening to equip the kids with a water pistol each. This will see off the cat from next door. One starling burial yesterday morning and it was very sad. Squirrel marked his little grave with a gold star from the craft box. I cried.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink?
Eh? it is already flavoured of beer, thank you very much.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
No. I am internet-armed before I go in. The doctor may be tired of that, actually, and get nervous before that smart-arsed lippy Grit walks in.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?
Is this an American questionnaire by any chance? Actually Waitrose sells a very nice smoked tofu-weiner that does nicely for vegans.

7. Favorite Christmas movie?
None.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Two cups strong black coffee. No sugar. Concentrated and bitter. I think that stands as a metaphor.

9. Can you do push ups?
Oh please. After triplets my abdominal muscles are not on speaking terms.

10. Are you thinking about someone right now?
No.

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry?
My mother's amethyst ring bought in Egypt in 1955 before my dad was thrown in prison and my mother deported.

12. Favorite hobbies?
Blogging, gardening, reading short things where it does not matter if it takes 6 years to finish.

13. Phrase you use most often?
Piss off.

14. Do you have A.D.D.?
I might have. If I knew what it was.

15. What's one trait you hate about yourself?
Short temper. Now piss off.

16. Middle name?
Alison.

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
1) I could imagine this questionnaire would be sort of fun if I do it knee jerk and not think at all.
2) It will soon be over.
3) Thank goodness for that.

18. Name 4 things you bought yesterday?
1) From the tip - 3 garden chairs.
2) From the tip - one wicker basket for Tiger, Squirrel and Shark socks.
3) From the tip - one clothes hanger thing for Squirrel to help her sort out the jumble she scatters around the bedroom floor.
4) All of the above cost me a grand total of £4. And if I called the tip the Community Recycling Point it would all sound so much better. Anyway, being so very pleased for being careful with money and saving the environment from landfills I then went to the garden centre and spent £110 on plants.

19. Next vacation?
Garden.

20. Current worry?
Work.

21. Current hate right now?
Surveillance, identity tracking, criminalisation for all off-template activities. Mediocrity. Corporates who send notice of intention to prosecute if we don't behave in accordance with their database systems. Should I go on?

22. Favorite place to be?
Home.

23. How did you bring in the New Year?
Hanging out the skylight at the top flat watching a fight break out in the street below.

24. What’d you get for your birthday?
An Indian meal with the kids down at the local balti house and a sulky au pair.

25. Name three people who will complete this?
Mean Moody Middle Aged Mom, To the Manor Born, A Life Worth Living. They may not complete it, actually.

26. Do you own slippers?
No.

27. What shirt are you wearing?
Black tunic top with no collar. I hate collars.

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
No. And it doesn't sound like a very comfortable experience. Unless someone else is paying for a night of passion in a swanky palace and then of course I'm not complaining.

29. Can you whistle?
No. Sometimes I try, so that I can more effectively torture the children.

30. Favorite colors?
Blue. Light blue. Sea-blue colour. Sky.

31. Would you be a pirate?
No. Unless Johnny Depp was one, and possibly taking me out to dinner.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?
None.

33. Favorite girl's name?
Don't have one.

34. Favorite boy's name?
Not telling.

35. What's in your pocket right now?
Nothing. Not wearing trousers.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?
Dig. Probably while he wasn't actually saying or doing anything.

37. Best bed sheets as a child?
The ones on my bed.

38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Childbirth. But I don't know that you can call three beings ripping your body apart, kidney shutdown, liver malfunction, frozen digestive system, and ecoli infection, an injury.

39. Do you love where you live?
The house, yes. The area, no. I adore this house. I am going to bloody well die in it and piss everybody off.

40. How many tvs do you have in your house?
Two.

41. Who is the loudest friend you have?
Oo, now shouting loudly in Dubai. Listen carefully. Can you hear her? You just might, if the wind is travelling in the right direction.

42. How many dogs do you have?
None. we borrowed the neighbour's dog for some therapy, but it is very elderly and cannot walk far. Now I don't think it can walk at all.

43. Does someone have a crush on you?
I hope so. I suspect not.

44. What is your favorite book(s)?
This changes depending on what I am reading at the moment. I went through a Trollope stage that I recall being fun.

45. What is your favorite candy?
Mint humbugs.

46. Favorite Sports Team?
Don't have one. Hate all team games. The time that I had to cover a PE lesson ended after five minutes in a fight involving ten boys and three girls. One kid was smashing a ping pong bat about the head of another. I pointed my finger a lot and shouted.

47. What song do you want played at your funeral?
'There She Goes' by the La's. It's probably about drug abuse, but it makes me smile.

48.What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Sleeping.

49. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I wish that f***ing blackbird would shut up.

And if you got to the end, go and buy yourself a drink. Then go over to Brad's place at Waconda Road and make silly noises through the letter box. Because I blame him.