I have given in this morning to the dreaded pills, the Prednisolone.
Hopefully that means nothing to you.
However it might mean something to you people searching on chronic hives and angioedema, and you are really the only people who need this post.
The reason I have avoided these little beasties is not simply that I am a die-hard hippie who has so far handed over my mortgage to Doctor Quack and his magic herbal pixies, it is because Prednisolone comes with fearful side effects more suited to the atmos of a German expressionist movie from 1922. Let's just call them Nosferatu's Happy Pills.
See? Grit looks forever on the brightest side! I am chippy about medical miseries in my vague hopeless way, yattering off my stock of handy British phrases like never mind and mustn't grumble, together with my fortune cookie philosophy useful for all health matters, even though I mostly chant from little seeds grow big trees.
But with this powerful combination I am sure to be able to effect a cheery outlook on the range of medical possibilities the evil Prednisolone will now certainly offer me! And it is too late to stop me. I swallowed six already.
Let's try, anyway, making the best of a bad job.
Have you severe depression, bipolar disorder or manic depression? Prednisolone is the drug for you! Offers to make any mental condition worse, much worse, until you are in the cupboard under the stairs rocking backwards and forwards.
Nervousness, schizophrenia, mood swings and plain old being out of control of your reality? Yes, Prednisolone helps by letting you see things which aren't there! Personally I am looking forward to this one; I placed an order already for three naked men, a vat of champagne and a monkey.
Have you been in contact with someone who has shingles, chickenpox or measles? Even if they don't know about it yet? Like, they're just carrying around that infection, waiting to kill you? Because, yeah, on Prednisolone, if you catch it, for you, it's probably fatal. Never mind! You can take the monkey with you when you wind up screaming at your own funeral.
High blood pressure? Heart problems? Gulp down that Prednisolone, if only for your Sunday afternoon entertainment. Better than the TV when your super-pressurised blood shoots out both ears like oil from an unplugged well. Why not get the kids to photograph the moment for your GP's inhouse magazine, Medical Mess of the Month!
Stomach and intestines. Let's get grimy with the innards. Bloating, ulcers, perforations. Basically, your insides are going to resemble a colander after a few weeks on the Prednisolone. You can always be useful! Maybe you could be hung upside down and use your handy intestinal lining as a spaghetti strainer.
Hormones, you're in for a treat! Soon, passers by in the street will stop to wonder, Who is that girl? And how did she get that glossy chestnut brown on all her luxuriant facial hair?
Skin! The very reason I've been prescribed Prednisolone! Promises to cover me in purple lines, bruising, acne and wounds that don't heal! Yay me! A huge festering lump of drugged out pox!
But hey! Let's look on the bright side. The pills are teensy-tiny, and so easy to swallow.