Tuesday, 14 July 2009

I have nothing better to do. I think I will bait the DCSF

I have some new home education lessons plans. I think I will submit them to the local authority and have them assessed in line with the new recommendations. I would like the effectiveness of my education to be monitored so I can improve the life of citizens in 21st century Britain.

Today my lessons focus on British culture. I have taught the gritlets how to spit, sit in the road, drink cider from tins and shout at passers by.

Here we are, learning how to eat greasy chips while walking along an average suburban run down back street.

These practical lessons have started well, don't you think, Ed?

Next week I will model staggering home at 5am covered in vomit and dressed like a street walker. I'll be dragging a drugged up Dig with Satan tattooed across his forehead in biro. I will tell Shark, Tiger and Squirrel the police may stop by, so it would be good if they could say the bag contains icing sugar. This would be excellent for real life learning skills in personal and social education.

Then I might do drawing over our body parts to give ourselves some tattoos. After that we could kick beer cans down the back lane, spray paint the word nob all over the neighbour's garage door, and walk with our chests puffed out while we hold a bit of string with a pit bull terrier on the end.

I know Shark, Tiger and Squirrel might have a problem reaching their attainment targets regarding the pit bull terrier, so I have made a start. I have drawn out a vicious dog on some card. I have even stuck furry stuff to it in the hope the gritlets might learn to pet a real dog and shout Kill!

There, you see, I have even thought of their educational targets on a twelve month timescale.

I bet the Local Authority is going to love me.


sharon said...

Don't forget the obligatory setting off every car alarm in the street Grit! Possibly with optional tyre slashing?

Jax said...

I think they prefer setting them on fire in her area :)

Jaywalker said...

Grit, you can submit that dog to the Village FĂȘte because it is ACE. Actually, can you make me a life sized one, because it looks a lot less bother than my read dog.

The Green Stone Woman said...

Some hooliganism wouldn't be out of place and some vandalism might also do, practice these in the safety of your own home surroundings first. You must make an authentic impression.

Firebird said...

Someone did a little bit of spray paint work along the road from us, down the side of a tree ... they simply wrote TREE. I have a nasty feeling this was some kind of an existential statement or something. I blame the Public school up the road.

Brad said...

And here I thought the "Pit-Bull-on-a-string" thing was purely an american invention. Learning IS an adventure!

Rubberbacon said...

My favorite part:

That all local authorities analyse the reasons why parents or carers chose elective home education and report those findings to the Children's Trust Board

Are local authorities educated in "analyzing" a parents choice in education?

Retiredandcrazy said...

Wow, you sound angry grit! Let me join your club and I'll teach the girls about the slimy Mandelson and his bunch on no hope losers.

Grit said...

sharon, you are absolutely right. and i forgot about the annual smashing of the car wing mirrors competition.

jax, do you think we will all emigrate on masse come october?

jaywalker, i bet i can do a smart looking tortoise. surely there cannot be much to it.

irene, i have done kicking the bin to pieces, but that is when the gritlets were little. i must admit, i haven't done enough emotional aggression these past few years. perhaps i have adopted the capitulation approach to parenting after realising there was no way i could win.

that is fantastic, firebird! i really love that. better than recently spotted on a road sign: Y-FRONTS.

hi brad! so it's another piece of american junk culture brought to the uk, eh?! ;)

rubberbacon, it wouldn't be surprising if the local authority is staffed by someone who believes children should be in school, and it's their job to get the kids back in. so any reasons given by the parent can be termed 'unreasonable'; the local authority then has the power to find the alternative education unsatisfactory and can issue a school attendance order.

these recommendations effectively give the power of the educational decision making to the local authority, and remove them from the parent.

ALL PARENTS SHOULD BE WORRIED! even if their children are happy in school now, their decision-making regarding their own children is slowly being removed from them.

(breathes deep... and climbs off soap box.)

hi R&C! home educators are FURIOUS. and guess who's not voting labour round here?!