Message to local authority staff. Are you sure about this?

'Local authorities should ensure that all home educated children and young people already known to them are ... visited over the following twelve months' - Recommendation 1: Badman Review of Home Education.

Let me take you on a journey.

First you must make an appointment.

Scrub that.

You must make at least three appointments because we will forget about the first and second appointments. Did you not know that home education means everyday leaving this house for lessons, activities, social meet ups, sports, workshops and visits?

We don't have time to hang around at home waiting for you.

OK, if you manage to make an appointment and by accident you catch us at home, then we won't let you in.

Of course not. We're not stupid. Where's your ID? Anyway, that's no use. This is Smalltown. I have to know you personally to issue an invitation into our home. But, since you're here, we'll try and help.

Go round to the side. Yes, the tradesman's entrance. We try not to call it that. We find it spares blushes.

When you're there, wait.

Admittedly, at that point, I did once forget. It's what happens if I'm interrupted by a Squirrel making beetroot cake.

Where was I?

Oh yes, if I remember, I'll let you in.

Only to the yard though.

First I need to move the ironing board. You can ask about that, but I'm not telling. Let's just say Dig knows better than to make smart remarks.


Then there's all the locks and bolts and stuff. Like I said, this is Smalltown.


Now follow me.

Climb over the vegetation. I've been cutting brambles and the garden bin is full, so I'm piling the spiky monsters here. I hope Glastonbury will take them with him when he comes to chainsaw the ivy. Those thorns do go up your trouser legs though don't they? Razor sharp, too.


Can you get past the pinch point? That low building there, it's actually an underground room. Unfortunately, we took up all the space in building it, so you must squeeze between that and the wall. Those tiles are a bit sharp. They'll slice the skin on your ankles if you misjudge your step.


OK, never mind the blood. Here we are.

You'll need to lift the bike away, obviously.


And that trellis panel there? It's not hinged, but it does hold up a shelf above it, so you must dismantle the trellis and shelf in the right order or you'll smash my antique plant pots and I'll sue you.

Ah! There we are! Found it!


To the member of staff at the local authority who will be given the job of visiting children not at school today. Please note, this is how we treat the gas man.

Now you might like to read this.

And we'd entirely understand if you then wanted to tell central government, Not bloody likely.