Monday, 7 December 2009

Grit's guide to Christmas for mean parents (1): Toys

My darling Shark, Tiger and Squirrel. In these pressing days before Christmas, I cannot help but notice that you ignore every expensive toy I ever bought you.

You play with these creatures of a horror show that you made yourselves.


Sometimes I fancy I wake in the night, clawing at my own face at the sight of these creatures, and then I realise it is not a dream, it is REAL.

But Squirrel, I have to say Arseface looks a lot better now you have sewn skin over that hole in her face, previously held together with twisted wire and candle wax.

Here's an Arseface sister dressed in her best, ready to go out and grub over graveyards looking for marrow bones.


Here is the third, waiting to be sacrificed to Satan.


But Stupid Grit! I have this all wrong! Of course! This is not Dolly Horror Wreck. This is Dolly Fashion Show.

And the fact that these three dollies resemble the three witches of Macbeth is entirely coincidental; due to the fact that you were inept when you sewed them together.

But you love them. And I respect and admire that love, and I am touched and gladdened by it. Which is why I mock it. It is complex.

Yet all of this tells me something very important.

To date, I could have saved £4,750.98.

All this I could have spent on gin, fags and easy men if I had not wasted that cash buying ridiculously overpriced plastic toy junk for the last nine years - stuff you immediately discarded behind the sofa while you went off to pursue your favourite game of making clothes for the dollies.

And this is the wisdom I have gained, and which I need to impart to all, especially to parents of the under-5s, before it is too late.

Forget the toys.

Acquire a large cardboard box, big enough to take at least one kid. Then stuff that box with trash. Cereal boxes, egg cartons, chewing gum wrappers, torn up old clothes, junk mail. On Christmas morning your kid will love this, and make Arseface dolls of their own, which they will cherish, and use all the junk to make for their little Arseface, clothes, houses, cars and pretend pizzas.

But if you still feel the need to shower your offspring with toys, find your local supplier.

You can discreetly return those gifts come January.

10 comments:

Rachel M. said...

Grit - I've worked at a toy company for 10 years, designing toys and managing the production of said toys. Until I had a child I thought I had a useful job, now I realize I just make pretty things for parents who wish to decorate and bestow pretty things upon their children. Look in the disney store, I've worked on many of their plush toys. My daughter doesn't play with a single one of them. She prefers baking powder cans with a few jingly things inside, shoe boxes with jingly things inside, my tea bag wrapper in the morning, anything on the ground outside, anything pulled off a counter. I've realized this early and have already stopped bringing home toys and buying toys. I thought this was a passing fancy but after reading this post I've realized I'll just make it a long term goal to buy no toys - at all. You just saved me a ton of money to which I say thanks!!

Sally said...

I need tena-lady for reading your blog!

sharon said...

Good for you Grit. There's nowt wrong with a box full of 'bits and pieces', it's the stuff dreams are made from ;-)

Apart from a very small stocking (containing a few plastic novelty items, chocolate and jelly beans), books, boardgames, craft/art materials and the ubiquitous Lego were our stalwarts during the childhood years. What I called 'consumer' toys (as in consume your money whilst teaching no skills and developing no imagination) they had to save up and buy for themselves. Do I regret it? Not one bit - and neither do they!

Fioleta said...

After being overrun with plush-toys last year, which weren't played with at all, I shamelessly told my friends what type of toys my daughter would prefer for her birthday. And her favourite was a broom for outside - she keeps on cleaning the puddles.

Your box suggestion sounds great, maybe I should show my daughter the photos of your kids' dolls to inspire her - they look cool!

Glowstars said...

I'm going straight home to find the sewing kit!

Minnie said...

Ah yes, we learned the hard way!

The Bratz dolls of last year, pink Disney castle and the various princesses,etc...all now boring and ignored.

Now, I just have a huge trunk stuffed with all sorts of crap..err crafty, creative stuff. We crafters never chuck anything out, so you can imagine what's in there:o) lol

Are your little gritlets going to set up the Arseface Doll Company? I reckon they're a goer:o) That'd keep you in gin for a while:O)

Tena Lady pads are sooooo good!!

Grit said...

Rachel, i truly admire you for coming over here to grit's day. i think it must take a lot of strength to watch me thrash around with a hammer taking swings at stuff that must inevitably be important, like, um, your job. for your continued support, i say a big, heart felt, thank you.

hi sally! if they work i may buy a pack and pretend they are for my mum.

yes sharon; i suspect tiger wants a horse. we will fail to get that in a stocking, but we have opened a piggy bank account for her.

fioleta, i truly recommend the soft home made dollies. having not spent 30 quid on them nor contributed plastic to landfill, i do feel particularly moral (and better off).

glowstars, when you are making clothes for the dollies, the kids tell me that the glue gun works just as well as sewing. let us tell galliano that secret.

The Arseface Doll Company! Minnie, I owe you.

Pig in the Kitchen said...

I think arse-face the first bears a passing resemblance to Simon Weston. If those tasteful people that make dolls/figurines agreed with me, you could recoup your 4 grand and then some. There could even be little 'Sir Galahad' bath toys to go with it. You could be sitting on a goldmine Grit...

Rachel M. said...

These days my job's only important in that it pays the bills.

Your job looks a heck of alot more fun!!!

Frustrated Fairy said...

lol brilliant!