Grit's guide to Christmas for mean parents (9): Entertainments

It's your turn!

Because Grit is knackered now. She has spent a long day, ignoring her own rules. She has spent all Dig's money in the lovely world called Amazon. Here she has bought lots of worthy presents for small people.

Anyway, it is time to think up some parlour games we can all play over Christmas. Games that are acceptable to play with small children and elderly maiden aunts, so no swearing, bugger offing or fuck yous.

And Grit-type games shouldn't cost any money, obviously, so no buying specialist kit, funny counters, strange dice, fancy costumes, or puffballs.

One we played just last night when the brass band passed by. We can hear them coming streets away. They steadily progress through our pretty Victorian town, playing Come All Ye Faithful and Little Town of Bethlehem, knocking on doors, wishing us all Merry Christmas, and shaking a tin right under our noses. We enter the Victorian spirit of the evening by blowing out the fireside candles to enjoy listening in the darkness against the light of the embers in the grate. We see how long we can leave them wondering whether this year we are in.

On Christmas morning I could spice things up a bit by playing barricade the front room with electric fence and barbed wire, and time how long it takes Shark, Squirrel and Tiger to get past the defences to the wrapped-up chocolate custard trifle.

And in the afternoon the entire family could play that game where we all stare at each other and see how long we can hold in the resentment about each other's existence.

Boxing Day we could play the one where small people take it in turns to kick the furniture and slam the door then stamp up the stairs to their bedrooms in what has become known as the preteen hormonal outrage. That's the same game where mummy Grit sinks her head in her hands and daddy Dig pours out another bucket of red wine.

So howabout you? What games will you play this Christmas? Remember now, no drunken nudity, blasphemy, or expense. (Not at least until the children have gone to bed.)