Monday, 14 December 2009

Grit's guide to Christmas for mean parents (8): Relations

Hello lovely readers! Are you all surviving Christmas on the cheap? To help you along, out of the handbag comes the next great installment of Grit's guide to meanness at yuletide. Brought to you today courtesy of a very special and important guest.

G: Hello, Dig! Would you like to write a guest posting on my blog?
D: No.
G: Go on! It will be fun!
D: [no response]
G: Just a little one.
D: [no response]
G: You don't have to write much.
D: [no response]
G: I will give you my body.
D: No.
G: I can give you my body, cook dinner, and shout at the children for you.
D: [no response]
G: [long pause while she thinks about this dilemma] OK, I will go away if you give me one tip I can post on the blog on your behalf. I need a tip about friends and relations. Like what if people expect to visit at Christmas. How can anyone do that cheaply?
D: Don't visit them.
[long pause]
G: Is that it?
D: Yes.
G: Can I say anything else?
D: You will save a lot of money in petrol if you don't go anywhere.
[long pause while we sit and look at each other in a Beckett Happy Days sort of way.]
G: Well, I think that about wraps it up on my guest post! Thank you, Dig!

[Grit goes to exit, but she is trapped by a mound of old paperwork and office furniture.]


emma said...

*weeps with laughter*

that's the best yet in the series.

We operate a strict tit for tat. If someone sends a card with news inside, I reply with a friendly text message.

If someone sends a card with names but no news, I ignore it.

If someone sends a circular boasting letter, I try to smuggle it into the neighbours' post and nick one of the round robins they have received - UCAS-form worthy news of random strangers is much more fun to read than news of people you actually know.

Don't give presents to anyone you won't actually see On The Day. Instead, send beloved relatives home made Christmas cards that you have bullied your children into creating. Look like a smug HEing bastard next time you see them.

And if you _will_ see someone on the day, give them a piece of child-created "craft" because it is so much nicer to receive something lovingly handmade AND educational for the children. Look like a smug and tight-fisted HEing bastard.

Rachel M. said...

I enjoyed this. We are sticking with Dig's advise and staying home this year. Good thing because my mom just got 20" of snow today.

We are saving money AND we had grandparents buy all our presents so I'm not buying our daughter anything. Savings galore!

MadameSmokinGun said...

Totally agree with - if you don't se 'em, fuck 'em. My dear bruv and I have operated on this level regarding our respective little darlings for a good couple of years now and they (the small things) don't even notice. The worst possible thing anyone can buy my sprogs is vouchers. This always leads to hours spent on shop carpets, lots of head-busting maths, repetative 'no's and inevitable giving in and working out how much pocket money they will have to forego for how many weeks - this peace lasts until pocket money day. JUST SAY NO! And as for FRIENDS getting in on the present-giving lark - WHAT ARE YOU LIKE?

Heather said...

it's when the buggers come to you that it gets expensive. not only do they expect presents but food, drinks and music. Harumph.

Michelle said...

We do Boxing Day gifts as well. Else it seemed so flat after Christmas Day itself. So we have a Boxing Day breakfast with Champagne, caviar and smoked salmon, with agift for each person.


Firebird said...

{throws an old kipper @ Michelle}

Grit said...

emma, you are obviously the refined reader amongst us. next time i will try you on james joyce. and i approve of your list of tit for tat, and will certainly have a go at swapping the mail, or would if the postee didn't already do it for us.

rachel, you are a first class meanie! well done! passed the course with flying colours!

mme sg, i like the sentiment, very much. vouchers i would be tempted to steal from the children, and spend on something futile.

heather, pretend to be out. this works, unless they know your hiding places.

michelle, you really should try and enjoy yourself properly. i recommend a bottle of bulmer's and a punch up.

firebird, i also have some rancid mayonnaise, if you want to chuck that too.x