Friday, 11 December 2009

Grit's guide to Christmas for mean parents (5): Food

Don't want to spend money on Christmas dinner? Easy.

Eat cats. They are tasty, braised or lightly fried in oil.

You can pick them up for free behind the dustbins of your neighbour's house. No need to queue, no loyalty card nonsense, no searching for parking space, no frantic or embarrassing handling of purse in queue made of falling over pensioners buying ingredients for Christmas gruel.

Better still, cats will be in dustbins all night, unlike Tesco, which closes at 4pm Christmas Eve. You can stay at home and drink beer until midnight then go out on the prowl and bag up cats. If you are fortunate, and bag more cats than you need, you can give them charitably to friends. Do not give them to the neighbours, obviously. Especially the forlorn family weeping in the street Christmas Day howling Tiddles! Tiddles!

Dogs, not recommended. Chewy.

Hamsters, guinea pigs, all rodents, pointless. There is insufficient meat on them to feed a growing family.

Grandfather, possibly. Although you must prepare for this moment all year by fattening him up. Then, when you confess, that will be murder and cannibalism. These are bad, bad things, and you will not look good in court.

Voila! What a lot of money, time and effort saved! Thank you, Grit!

Note: This blog does not recommend the snatching, removal, killing, dismembering, cooking, eating, or disposal of carcass of cats. And the same goes for sheep, pigs, cows, birds (large and small), horse, or any other animal bred for consumption. And humans. But to simply say 'stop eating animals and become a vegetarian because it is healthier for you, better for the planet and CHEAPER' would just be too CONTROVERSIAL. As well as no fun at all. And it might reveal to you what a sanctimonious pompous moralising smug home educating bastard I really am.

More Note: I know it doesn't look like it, but I have spent hours on this post. The first attempt to convert you was a homage to the chick pea.


sharon said...

Whilst I applaud your stance, coming from a long line of carnivores I remain unconverted. However we do eat far less meat than in the past and at least two days a week are now meat/fish free. So yes this year a turkey, a pig (both free range)and some crustaceans will be sacrificed much the same as every other year. Sorry ;-(

Rachel M. said...

My initial thought was this was a joke gone wrong because I remember you being a vegetarian from last Christmas, fortunately the small type at the end was there to save you!

Seriously smug Grit, I acknowledge your way is better and while I've cut down meat consumption considerably I'll probably never fully switch to the green side.

kellyi said...

I want to know about the chick peas.

Glowstars said...

Isn't pigeon supposed to be a delicacy? Plenty of spare ones in every town centre.

Fioleta said...

Chick peas rock! :-)


LOL. Love this post. I really must introduce you to my blog friend Evil Edna and her plans for World Domination. Despite her blog name, she's lovely really and I feel you'd get on very well :-)

Minnie said...

Chick peas rock but baked beans rumble:O)))

Grit said...

hello folks! thank you for your comments. i am feeling weary, weary, weary, so i guess this is the fun that is christmas.

i still cannot condone the eating of pigeoons, even though i hate them with A VERY LOT OF VERY MUCH HATE. because where would it stop? people are already trying to chew their way through the grey squirrel population. what next? badgers?

but i like the sound of edna.

MadameSmokinGun said...

Apparently 'we' are bringing the turkey to the parade this year. 'Uh-huh' I said. Meaning 'you sort it it's your family - I'm not eating it anyway' 2 days ago I get 'Do we have to order the turkey?'


Should I help? - 17 other people to consider etc. Or should I just stand back and chortle? Should I even go so far as to dig out my peanut roast recipe - not seen since 1993 - just for a laugh?

Jury's still out.

Hannah said...

Just catching up - Loved this post! And while I'm not vegetarian, I cannot deal with a carcass of any kind on a day that is meant to be joyful.