Monday, 5 January 2009

I apologise to cat lovers, everywhere

Shark, Squirrel and Tiger do not like cats. Not at all. These quiet, creepy-about creatures, slipping silently under gates and round doorways, slinkysliding under bushes, watching, waiting.

What more evidence is needed?

If these contemptible creatures were honest, upright and honourable, they would march up to the front door, try the buzzer and wait! The householder comes out and the cat must ask politely, May I wait under your privet for your favourite blackbird to appear so I can pull off its wing, preferably while you are watching from the window? Then, of course, the householder could answer, Certainly! or Be off with you! and this would be the proper thing to do.

So forgive Squirrel, who has experienced cat trauma, for today adding the following tomato-based slogan to her vegetable soup bowl.


But Squirrel! we cry. You cannot eat kittens! People would be outraged! To which she answers, I would like to write Piss off. But I don't know how to spell it.

9 comments:

K said...

I like the sound of that Squirrel :)

Merry said...

There used to be someone in Peterborough who had anti cat stuff written across the front of his house in big red letters. Most bizarre.

Potty Mummy said...

At least she doesn't beat around the bush - unlike cats.

Ruth said...

"I would like to write Piss off. But I don't know how to spell it. "

Classic. Truly classic! :-)

We feel the same way about cats, mostly because they dig up expensive plants and crap on them, but bird murder is another crime on their rap sheet.

sharon said...

You can only tell it as you see it, and I'm with squirrel! Cats are lovely to look at but should be kept in cages. The devastation they wreak on the wildlife out here is truly terrible.

PS Shame she couldn't manage to spell her first reaction. Is a lesson in basic curse words on the timetable now?

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

I have 3 cats. I suppose I am at the bottom of Squirrel's social list now. Mine don't bring home any dead critters. I don't think they are stealthy enough and they are well fed. They poop in the wasteland that's my flowerbed where I compost dead leaves. The neighbors aren't thrilled about them. But they are always cranky.

mamacrow said...

'I would like to write Piss off. But I don't know how to spell it'

hahahahahahaha!

though it is bascially phonetic... I'm now trying to work out how you could miss spell it?!

kellyi said...

We could give Squirrel the day of her life! We have an evil long haired cat that has taken to pooping on our roof, so we spend hours hiding out in the bedroom with a specially bought cross bow (with sticky not pointed darts.)

We also have got adept at letting our dog out really quietly so he can have the thrill of chasing this creepy feline up the garden path.

On second thoughts, don't your girls hate dogs too? May be a day with a big bouncy lab would be a bad idea then.

Minnie said...

Oooooo! You lot are MEAN!!!!!! lol

I'm always telling my mogs to piss off with their gifts.
They bring in masses of meeses and rats.....probably due to the abundance of 'caged and never allowed out for a romp/socialise/to feel/see the light of day so they oink to high heaven' rabbits that are stacked up in next door's back garden. Truly sad.

Cats will be put off more from pooping in your garden, etc if you water pistol/squirt them with one of those plant water sprayers.