Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Move over on that couch

There is an evil bit of me that would like to drive Shark, Squirrel and Tiger to the Metro Centre car park, kick them out, then drive 370 miles back home.

But I cannot. It is a cruel world, is it not, what with legal niceties like child neglect standing in the way of just punishment for the TWO HOUR argument over who spends longest on the toilet.

Instead I will post the contents of their most secret and private HP Photosmart E327 digital camera. The one that Dig bought for them to prove that he does not love them, has never loved them and, according to Tiger, only wants to tell them off for screaming and shouting in the bathroom, when all they were engaged in was a moderate discussion about who flushed the toilet last and who deserves to die first.

Girls, I have now looked at all your 185 photographs and made my selection. Be grateful. You deserve worse.

Unicorns.
Engaged in shifty business behind dubious model made out of foam.
I hope these kids of mine find a comfy couch with a psychoanalyst who doesn't nod off.


Blood.
Not really.
Paint. All over the table.
Squirrel said it looked pretty.
I think it looks like part of the English coastline.
I hope there's plenty of room on that couch.


A mouse on a lift. Off to the zip wire.
Can you see the terror in the mouse's eyes?
Tiger's just practising until she gets hold of the real thing.

Look at that! That's art, right? Every cloud has a silver lining, eh? I almost love them again.

Pegasus on a zip wire.
The green dragonfly is probably a coach because Pegasus is scared shitless.

Cute! Mummy snowman and two baby snowmen!

The third baby snowman is in the ditch with a stake through its face.
Has anyone got the number of a good psychiatrist?

Crocodiles.

Girls, did you really have to photograph all 74 pages of Tintin?
Can't you just bloody read the thing?

A cupboard door.

A bubble.

Behold! The divine carrot! (and something else which might be a piece of rolled up cloth, I don't know, stop asking). Is Squirrel's home grown carrot not the carrot of the LORD? Why else would this photograph show the glorious shining light of judgement! This could be the most splendid photograph of the Lord's doings since Mary's face appeared on a pizza.
HAIL! LORD CARROT!


There. I have held up these photographs to the world. Without permission. That has to be the cruellest cut of all. Girls, you can take revenge one day. When I am dead, you can publish that passport photograph of me from 1975. The one with the eyebrows.

9 comments:

Brad said...

The pic of the unicorns could be modeled in to a lovely family crest I think.

The Holy Carrot still has me laughing.

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

Your kids have more fun than any other 8 year olds I know, but I have to admit that I don't know that many. hey should stop all that arguing, though, they don't know how good they have it, obviously. Do you ever threaten to send them to real school? And the horror of it?

Katherine said...

Beware. They grow up and you (I) miss this innocence. I suggested to 17 y o daughter the other day that she and her friends might like to make bubbles with the flyswats (long story, but I met a little girl in the supermarket buying a flyswat with her own money, she told me what you do - detergent, wind, running around in a field etc - sounded lovely). Well, I felt so juvenile even suggesting it! And her friends didn't even hear! The look my daughter gave me gave me was a mixture of embarrassment (she didn't want to hurt my feelings) and pity (when I said it would be fun.) Sigh.

sharon said...

Re the toilet discussions, they are Time and Motion experts in the making obviously!

If Dig only bought them one camera I'm surprised it has survived to actually take photographs. You should put the Divine Carrot on e-bay, you'll make a fortune I'm sure. Love the picture of the cupboard door, I'm positive it has great symbolic meaning . . .

Mud in the City said...

LOVE the Divine Carrot!

As for the bathroom discussions - just think, soon there will be 3 teenage girls arguing about the bathroom. I hope you've got an en suite. And ear plugs.

katyboo1 said...

I would like an a4 poster of the carrot of the lord please, when you get a moment.

It must be the week for it. My kids have argued incessantly this week about who left pooh in the toilet. Apparently it's 'not me'. Well, that's alright then.

Grit said...

brad! that is an excellent idea. i need to work on titles next.

hi irene! i do threaten to send them to school. is this bad of me? i don't know. it works though. last week shark completed 14 handwriting worksheets in response to it. and her handwriting looks a lot neater now!

katherine, you are RIGHT. I will be sad, and i will so want to play with bubbles and sand again when the gritlets want to wear miniskirts and lip gloss.

sharon, date i admit that the cupboard door is actually in the same room as the toilet of doom?! perhaps the gritlets will learn about timers & date stamps next and will start collecting evidence.

mud, we have a total of 5 toilets. isn't that ridiculous? and yet the arguments only ever take place about ONE of them. the one that someone's bottom is sat on is the only one that matters.

hi katyboo! it's Mr Nobody. He did everything when I was a kid. In fact my brother called on him so many times i grew up thinking Mr Nobody was actually real and lived in the airing cupboard.

Samurai Beetle said...

That - is the dirtiest snowman I have ever seen. They must have scrapped the ground of every snowflake to build that thing. It's almost a mud/snow man! Determined girls!

Grit said...

you are so right, sb!