Wednesday, 11 February 2009

The dental appointment

Ha! I am a good, kind parent - one who lolls around semi naked out of her face on cocaine and alcohol only on Sundays - and I truly honour my duty in shielding the little grits from the world's pains and woes and dreadful ways!

But now we are reaching the moment of impending doom and torture. I can protect them no longer.

I have to break the news at some time. At 10.05 am, precisely.

Because at 10.45, 10.55 and 11.05 Shark, Squirrel and Tiger are to be shackled in turn to an iron chair, the chair will plunge suddenly and fearfully to the ground, rendering them helpless in the rubber gloves of Dr Fang. He will blind them with 1000 megawatt lights on a machine that looks like it fell off the bottom of a space rocket. Then he will poke about in their faces with a metal instrument that feels like a 12 inch kebab skewer. He may incant strange and mysterious words which could be a perverted hymn to Satan or a running commentary on the state of the London Underground 3 missing gap closed. But then! Not satisfied with his evil inclinations, he will interrogate them while they are helpless and turned upside down, staring up his nostrils. He will ask them Little girl! Do you brush your teeth twice a day? Do you do that? Of course he will pronounce it vat. He will probably have a bull neck and red eyes.

All these things are possible, I say, peering at Shark, Squirrel and Tiger, before adding, twenty minutes to go.

Well, that's what I'd like to say, since this describes my experience perfectly. But I do not. I lie.

I say Dr Fang is a lovely man. He is so lovely I would like to have a dental appointment every day. I would too, if I wasn't so busy. I am so busy I have trouble fitting it in once a year, and when I left in disgrace last time after the sobbing and screaming it was only because I was having a fit of emotional joy.

There! Nothing to be worried about! Of course I am telling you the truth! There is nothing to be alarmed about! Dr Fang is a lovely, lovely man! Mama would never betray you with lies!

Now, shall we brush our teeth in preparation, or should I leave him to hammer his way through the dried on cornflakes with a pick axe?


lotusbirther said...

ooh! We share the same dentist!

The Finely Tuned Woman said...

Those poor critters. Think of what they have to face. And they are so young and innocent still. Oh, the horror of it!

sharon said...

I have my fingers crossed that it all went well and no treatment was needed ;-)

Rosie Scribble said...

Oh the horror, and one I have to inflict on my 5 year old soon - you have just reminded me that there was something I needed to book. Stress!

Grit said...

lotusbirther, i am terrified of the dentist which is pathetic and weak and miserable. it sure is an incentive to keep stocked up with floss, though.

you are right, irene, they know nothing of the real horrors to come!

no treatment sharon. i am mean, refuse chewy sweets and time their tooth brushing. how cruel am i?!

hello rosie s! i am sorry! it took me months to book this one too!