Children educated at home more at risk of abuse

That headline up there is from The Independent. Or should that read The Incredible Inventing Newspaper.

Stupidly, I've always read The Independent by preference.

Heck, I've followed their diet, gained two stone and STILL been loyal, but reading the educational pages of The Incredible Inventing Newspaper on the Badman report requires me to stand upside down on my head with a pair of socks over my eyes just to get a hold on the perspective of the reporting here.

I'd just like to say out loud, in defence, that the education pages of The Independent have always been crap.

That should read TOTAL CRAP by the way. Weak, lacking incisiveness, lacking criticism, lacking any thoughtful independent journalism at all. Probably because they are basically a vehicle for advertising, let's face it, and you can't be independent when there's several thousand pounds being waved at you from the ad manager to crow about an MBA course, or a private school who'd just like a little plug about their carrot scheme.

Well the education pages are like a joke against educational reporting. They should be labelled SCHOOL IS LOVELY LICKY LICKY or something, because there's precious little discussion about education. It's like the editor of that section, possibly Coco the clown, cannot conceive of an education that takes place outside of school. Except when six photogenic toothless 5 year olds do some gardening in the school playground and then it deserves a close up photo opportunity of a cute grinning kid holding a carrot and a double page spread exclaiming VEGETABLES ACHIEVE ASTONISHING LEAGUE TABLE PERFORMANCE.

It's not only the educational feature and news writing in The Incredible Inventing Newspaper which are tediously and relentlessly school arsy licking.

You should read the weekly Educational Quandary sorted out by the smuggymuggy Hilary Wilce. These are hilarious. Really, me and Dig fight each other to get hold of that bit so we can guffaw our way through breakfast. For a start the problems come from people like Mrs Trellis wringing their hands over issues like How many hours homework should a five year old do? and What should happen to chairs in the classroom? Should they go on top of the school desks? and Does this help the cleaner or not?

But this 'news item' about the Badman report really went further out than I have ever seen.

Let's be kind. Coco the education editor who unicycles to work wearing a squirty flower and whizzing bow tie probably saw a press release on home education come in on from the government Ministry of Truth.

Coco pressed COPY and PASTE because the press release fitted in a spare quarter of his empty page. There. That didn't require any questioning, no quizzical finger-on-chin moment to wonder whether these statistics actually exist,* no critical thinking of any type, and no independence either.

Mr Balls is probably delighted by how easy this is, to get crap like this splattered unconditionally in front of hundreds of thousands of readers.

On this basis, I could send Coco an educational press release about how I have a dog called Asparagus who wears pink bootees on his ears and how Asparagus is standing as a candidate in the next general election on a ticket of more lovely schools and bones, and they'd print that.

Of course I can't suspend my reading of The Incredible Inventing Newspaper. Absolutely not. The education pages are simply too much fun. Just wait. Next we'll read

100% of Home Educators are Aliens in Disguise. Certified. True. Honest. And what to do about it, by Hilary Wilce.

* Thank you, Renegade Parent.