Monday, 8 March 2010

This recipe should be a revenge

1) Bugger. There is no food in the house except dried chick peas and some tins. I'm not soaking chick peas now. It's dinnertime. Bugger. Bugger. We can't have a takeaway again already.

2) What's in the fridge? One rotted aubergine. I'm not eating that. I don't know why it's still in the fridge since November. It's not going to rejuvenate. If it did rejuvenate, we could say that's a miracle. No-one would believe us. Some one should throw that aubergine away.

3) It's too late to go shopping now. And I can't be bothered. I wonder what we have in the vegetable basket?

4) Why is it only me who throws out the plastic wrapping from the vegetable basket? It is confusing. It makes it look like the vegetable basket is full of food when really it is full of empty plastic food wrappers. Can humans eat plastic yet? Maybe we will evolve to digest plastic. I bet we won't evolve to do that in the next 15 minutes. Ah! Here is the dog end of some celery. One carrot. Two onions. I should be able to make a meal for five people with that. Let's get started!

5) Hmm. I have chopped up all the vegetables. Doesn't look very much. I will put them in a pan and boil them.

6) Boiling them didn't make them look much either. I will open this dented can of sweetcorn and put that in. I have two bashed up cans of kidney beans here. I will put those in as well.

7) Doesn't look very nice. What would make it look appetising? Here's a tin of butternut squash and red pepper soup. Why did I buy this? I don't like tinned soup. It only cost me 9p on account of the tin being dented, possibly by mallet attack. Could be Berserk woman in soup shopping drama. I'll put that in. But only half the tin, because I don't like tinned soup.

8) I wish I hadn't stirred that in now. It looks like sick. What can I do to disguise it, so it doesn't look like sick?

9) Ha! I will grate this old bit of cheese on top. There. Looks delicious. No it doesn't.

10) A twist of black pepper. That looks good. Voila!

Now it looks like a bowl of sick covered in melted yellow plastic with ant poo on top. If I don't say anything, I might get away with it.

Dinner's ready! It's your favourite! Stirred vegetable with a melted cheesy top!

Now everyone behave nicely over dinner, because if there's any trouble, tomorrow you get this, cold.


Glowstars said...

Remind me to check if you're having takeaway before ever coming over for dinner!

Sam said...

um...yummy. (she says, unconvincingly).

I'd go for takeaway next time ;-)

Big mamma frog said...

Are you sure you haven't been living in our house?

We usually have those weird 'good intentions' foods which never get eaten unless truly desperate (i.e. the odd wholefood seedy things that look like parrot food) and there is always some aubergine slime at the bottom of the salad box in the fridge (a 'good intentions' vegetable, until it collapses into its own pit of mould). And there is usually a jar of some weird pickle (often involving lime and oil and sweet and sour sauce), and an out-of-date pack of vegetable suet left in the cupboard. Probably ideal for making bird fat cakes, but not great for a family of 5 humans.

It's at that point that I go to the chippy.

Expat mum said...

Hmmm. Perhaps keep rice or pasta in the house at all times. Sick-lookig stuff always looks better mixed in with that.

The Green Stone Woman said...

Yes, buy lots of pasta and rice, Grit. It's filling and you can make a big meal with it and just a few other ingredients. And always have onions and garlic in the house. They last forever and will add flavor to any dish. If you buy Campbells soup and don't add the water, it makes a good sauce to stir through rice or pasta dishes.

loubeeloo said...

Chilli powder or curry powder IS ALWAYS the answer... trust me, I have been making alot of left-over- tinned-shit-from-the-cupboard-slops meals of late!
Thanks for putting a smile on my face at the end of another trying day Grit... I laughed all the way thru reading it... now I'm off to rescue the 'reduced' crisy duck I'm currently cremating or it will be slops for us too! ;0 xx

The Green Stone Woman said...

I meant Campbell's Cream of something or other soup.

Kelly said...

Boys/girls thing again. I have four. large. sons. Can never, ever, run out of food. Oddly enough, i was just set to go spend several hundred dollars at Costco this afternoon, because haven't been there in three days, and decided, hey, wait, let's look in both oversized fridges and see what's left. (Husband is away for nine days--food is his job ordinarily.) I found: large bag of tomatoes, need to be eaten NOW. One large pineapple. Three apples. Two bags ready to eat fresh pasta. Some leftover chicken wings. Some leftover pork loin. Some leftover pizza. Several types of cheese. Large containers of milk and chocolate milk. Two large containers of precut vegetables with dip.

And that is what we are having for dinner tonight.

Tomorrow, I will cook the eggs and make pancakes for breakfast.

So, in the end, what would I go to Costco for?

Ice cream. Oh, and berries and chips (I believe you call them crisps?). Will go to corner store, pay double for both items, but save gas money. Makes much more sense. Am very proud of self, who does not ordinarily enter kitchen. Food usually brought to me on tray by husband.

Can put off Costco till Thursday.

Grit said...

glowstars, if you were coming to dinner, we'd have a takeaway. they are utterly the best solution. i feel it is like having your very own chef - you just loaned them out for the evening to the restaurant down the road.

sam, it tasted FOUL. Never again.

bigmammafrog! i love that phrase 'good intentions' food. i shall steal that for liberal use at our table. chippy shuts early on mondays.

you are right expat mum. amazing what twirly pasta can do. even sweetcorn and carrot chunks look acceptable.

hi beautiful green stone woman! i am a bad housekeeper. let's face facts. i need a mother to look after me. i will do a part share in one if you can find a supply.

oh loubeelou, you have quite made my day. Q:'what is for dinner, dearest mama?' A:'tinned-shit-from-the-cupboard-slop'. x

kelly, pineapple and tomato sounds like a vile combination, even if people do put them on pizza. but you have quite a feast there in your fridge. we might come round to yours!

sharon said...

Red lentils. Thrown in a pot with whatever remnant veggies you can find, almost always make a very good soup type of meal. And always keep some 'nice' breads in the freezer for dipping.

Now that the boys have left home we seldom suffer from 'empty pantry/fridge/freezer syndrome' so don't have to deal with that problem any more ;-)

Iota said...

The thing is, you purchased an aubergine. That is evidence of a very impressive woman. So whatever the rest of the post suggests, in a wonderfully British self-deprecating way (oh, how I miss self-deprecation), I hold onto the fact that you once purchased an aubergine.

Rachel M. said...

I've never purchased an aubergine.

Kelly said...

I love aubergine. It is my favorite food in the world. Rarely goes bad around here because husband is Indian food cook. As to pineapple and tomato, well, I never said my food provision was tasty, just that there is A LOT OF IT! Yes, drop by anytime. You may not enjoy it, but you won't go hungry.

Grit said...

lentils are good sharon. we like lentils. someone should buy some more to restock the cupboard, in fact. i wonder who that someone will be?

iota, i love you. you have made me feel like a real posh dame.

rachel, put it on the shopping list. Rots in under a month in the fridge.

kelly, i am in awe that your aubergine is used properly. i buy them rarely, like i might fondle a scrap of baby blankie. they remind me that once, me and a husband did things like eat aubergine. now we have children who do not like aubergine and let the entire street know about that. yet i will buy them still, for old time's sake.