National Gallery

Of course the trip to the National Gallery, without Dig but with Shark, Tiger and Squirrel, could all have been a disaster.

For example, Tiger could have come downstairs for breakfast in a foul temper. She could have had a big squealy fit because the rice-pops in her cereal bowl weren't in the right alignment after pouring on the milk. Then she could have brought down her spoon in amongst it all, hard, spraying rice pops over the table, shouting 'I don't care! I hate everybody! I don't want to go to the stinky National Gallery! You don't want me to go! And I never wanted to go anyway!

She could have followed that up with a big squeal and a temper tantrum which got her banned from the kitchen and everyone else either in tears, hiding behind the sofa, or probably in my case, both.

She might have then refused to get on her leggings or boots and refused to take a coat and, if persuaded, she might have grumpily marched down the front path, shouting how much she hated everybody before giving the gate a swift kick.

If I'd have got her to the train station she could have made every commuter's life a misery all the way into London. Then on the underground I could be grinding my teeth in anger and despair while Tiger greets everyone with a snarl, alternately punching her sisters, both of whom start weeping.

At the National Gallery she could have refused to join in the workshop, shouted, laid down on the floor, screamed, burst into tears, smashed up a Constable and been forcibly removed by the security staff before the entire family is carted down the cop shop where we are played CCTV footage of a trail of Tiger destruction across London, then I am charged and banged up in the cells while the children are forcibly removed by social services and placed in the care of Killer Smith and his Mad abusing wife, at which point Dig divorces me for assisting in the destruction of the family.

Well thank goodness that didn't happen. Thank goodness the day passed swimmingly. Thank goodness Tiger was utterly engaged by Constable and Stubbs. Thank goodness Tiger behaved herself so well she earned a family lunch at the local balti house on Sunday, which was part of the bribery package offered to her this morning after she brought down her spoon in amongst her breakfast, spraying rice pops over the table because they were in the wrong alignment after she'd poured on the milk, shouting 'I don't care! I hate everybody! I don't want to go to the stinky National Gallery! You don't want me to go! And I never wanted to go anyway!