What if... part one

I don't know about anybody else, but this drives me mad. We call it the 'What if' game.

I am discussing with Shark, Squirrel and Tiger the best way to get Dig to the airport again next Sunday. We need to ensure that:

1. Dig does not have a heart attack on the M1;
2. Dig does not have a heart attack on the M25;
3. Dig does not have a heart attack on the M4, or indeed on any other blocked up / closed down / slow-moving motorway in the vicinity of any take-off and landing strip throughout the UK and preferably elsewhere;
4. in effect, can we think of a suitable schedule and transport that allows Dig to arrive in any circumstances where we can wave and say 'have a nice trip' and not 'call an ambulance'.

Shark suggests the train. I say this is normally a good idea. But this time there might be a problem with the train because daddy Dig might have to set off very early to sit on the bus thanks to the engineering works.

Tiger suggests a taxi. I say daddy Dig sometimes does use a taxi and this is a good idea too. But as it is a Sunday the roads might be easier, and we could be his taxi, then we get to visit our playground close by and be involved a bit more in daddy Dig's life instead of saying 'see you in a few days then' while standing at the doorstep.

Squirrel suggests a bike. I say that is a good idea and normally I would approve of that but this time he has his luggage and where would he put it?

Then the What if's start.

'What if he straps it to the bike?' says Squirrel.
'He carries a computer. Putting it on a bike might bump the computer and damage it. He would be unable to do his presentation with a broken computer'.
'What if he got something else to carry his computer and he goes by bike?' chirps Tiger.
'Such as?' says mummy Grit.
'An albatross' offers Shark.
'Where might we get an albatross from?' inquires mummy Grit with a big sigh while reaching for a bottle of beer. I know I must be a good home educator and allow full exploration of ideas in order to create a co-operative, sharing, non-judgmental environment and a family confident enough to share blah blah blah. I'm opening some beer.
'What if you go and get one?' says Shark.
'Would I have to go to the South Atlantic Ocean?' I ask, pouring myself a big glass.
'Yes' declares Squirrel, thumping the table in what looks like something's been decided at last.
'And what would I do when I got there?' I ask.
'You would go and get a big net and tie fish to it and then string it up in the air and then when the albatrosses came flying along they would get stuck in the net. Then you can bring one home' shouts Shark. Clearly she's worked this one out already.
'I wonder how long it would take' I muse, trying to get in a bit of practical problem-solving into albatross-land.
'Two hours' says Squirrel.
'Five months' adds Shark.
Tiger nods, like that sounds about right.
I pour another beer. We still haven't cracked the time-thing yet then. 'Well, say it takes me five months. Daddy's flight is next Sunday'.
For a moment everyone's silent. Then Shark asks, 'How are you getting to the airport?'