To do list

I suppose this blog might as well do something useful. Here's the first 10 things on my To do list.

1. Pay the electricity bill. We have electricity bills everywhere. They're all on different accounts. Don't ask me why. This bill is for three lightbulbs. One is outside, one is in the entrance hall, one is on the landing. It comes to £52. £52 for three energy saving lightbulbs? Does that sound right?

2. Pay the milk man. We have milk delivered in case I die. If I die, Shark, Squirrel and Tiger have nothing to eat. So I've added cheese, eggs, bread, fruit juice and biscuits to the order. I cancelled the potatoes because I don't want Shark trying to boil potatoes and then blowing up the house because she can't handle the gas hob properly.

3. Pay the newspapers. After a £50 debt I start to feel guilty that I may be responsible for the close of a small business and the destitution of the Pooni family. Mr Pooni once telephoned Dig to ask him to settle the newspaper account which stood at £74. Unfortunately Dig was in Turkmenistan at the time and was unable to get to the shop.

4. Return overdue library books and pay fine. At least my fine only stands at £2.95. Not like Kris, who stood behind me in the library fine queue and paid £15.80 for three detective novels and a medieval thriller. Cheaper to buy them from the old folks bookshop across the road, Kris.

5. Pay Visa bill. Thankfully the £6,000 debt no longer exists on this account, just £11.98. This is what Squirrel scammed out of me for the Felicity Wishes magazine so she could dress up a cloth doll with little dresses probably made by exploited children locked up in a factory somewhere in a Special Economic Zone.

6. Return the telephone call to parks department lady. I bet this is about tickets for the Hallowe'en walk. Why I have booked a Hallowe'en walk I do not know. Tiger is scared of the dark. Tiger is also scared of dogs, cats, small animals, insects, spiders, fireworks, masks, loud noises and large models of dinosaurs. She denies she is scared of men with hats but I have my suspicions. Anyway, as a result of Tiger's phobia list I have booked the non-scary afternoon Hallowe'en walk for toddlers. I expect the parks department will stick a few fluffy lions around the park again and we will all go Ooo.

7. Write a termination of contract letter to Orange. We got new mobile phones about six months ago and Dig's been putting this off. He says he does not know who to address the letter to or where to post it. I will take over.

8. Make an appointment for an eye test. I cannot see out of these glasses. They are scratched and bound up with sellotape. Something must be done. Urgently.

9. Call the gardener. Correction, first find the telephone number, then call the gardener and arrange a date with him to come and sort out the gravelly patch at the bottom of the garden. No-one goes down there anymore because we cannot get past the brambles.

10. Find my cheque book which I last saw over there. And while I'm at it, find the overdue Tin Tin audio cassette that should have gone back to the library yesterday. Then find the book that tells me how to enter new addresses into the mobile phone, and the sellotape. Find the electricity bill that I last saw on the hall table. Find the slip of paper that the milk man puts under the milk bottle, whereupon the ring of milky liquid inexplicably leaking from a sealed milk bottle causes the print to run and makes it illegible. Find the time to do activities 1 to 10, instead of wasting it mucking about on the blog making lists.