Sunday, 23 December 2007


Dig says this is a day of achievement. So here it is.

Big Bro, a bloke called Stew and an Alsatian called Fangs arrive. Big Bro and Stew pick up the Clio. Big Bro changes the ignition coil first, which takes all of five minutes, so Ya Boo Sucks to Pissed off receptionist at Clio garage. I told you so.

Big Bro and a bloke called Stew also load onto a pick-up truck the little red two-seater Suzuki Cappuccino suitable for a non-child owning couple. This darling of a motor has sat at the bottom of the garden rotting for nigh on seven years. Two years ago it failed an MOT and hasn't moved since. Car maintenance is not something we're strong on in this house, so Stew's dad Mick is going to take a look at it. He's a welder and should know a thing or two.

Fangs did not take any part in the car proceedings, probably preferring to sleep off last night's Winalot in the back of a pick-up truck. This is just as well, because if Shark, Squirrel or Tiger had clapped eyes on Fangs we would have had to call an ambulance for the resuscitation expertise.

Squirrel cajoles Shark into doing what she calls 'princess make-up'. Princess make-up involves drawing a love heart on one cheek, adding a pair of curly eyebrows, two pink cheeks and some strawberry lip gloss. Shark obliges and off they disappear into the back bedroom. After ten minutes Shark is slamming about the office and would be swearing like a trooper if she knew how. When I see Squirrel, I understand. I say never mind, eyebrows are difficult. And I could get used to the two slugs strapped to her forehead.

The Grit and Dig family go to the theatre for some light Christmas entertainment. Oh how jolly this one is. Woman has overdue baby and goes to witch for help. Witch says she will help on condition that child is given to witch. Woman says no. Witch puts curse on child. Child is born anyway. Child is awkward little sod. Child is rebellious. Child is teenager, hangs around in gangs, fights, sniffs glue. Child burns down house. Grit walks out. Grit sits in car reading Lonely Planet guide to Britain, planning escape route to Portsmouth.

Dig solves dropped-off waste toilet pipe by banging the pipe back on with a hammer and propping it up with a CD case. Unusually far-sighted for Dig, he removes the CD first.

There. This is probably about as much achievement as a woman can take.

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