Sorry

I see it's December. I'm sorry.

1. If you send me a Christmas card I will be grateful and feel guilty. But I'm sorry. There is no chance you will get one in return. This is not to say that Shark, Squirrel and Tiger won't go beserk with red glitter round the kitchen table, squash the appalling results inside a tiny envelope and write the wrong address on the back of the envelope in the handwriting of a seven-year old. The fact that you'll never receive this piece of art will also have nothing to do with the fact that there's no stamp on the front. There will be. Probably upside down.

The reason you will never get your card is that your card will not leave the house. After Shark, Squirrel and Tiger have done all of the above I will realise that Mr Mail is saying 'Well it's too late now. It won't get there before Christmas. Look, we told you the last posting date and what did you do? Scratch it on the chalkboard in the kitchen with that slate pencil you nicked from the museum and forget about it.' When I realise this horror, I will hide the envelopes behind the hall curtain and lie, and say I have posted all the lovely cards. But I will console myself with thinking that I can use the cards next year. Sadly, come next year I will remember that I have thrown out your Christmas card in August, after peeling the stamps off to use for ebay. Sorry about that.

2. If not the post, then the emails. If you send me greetings by email, then I may not reply until February. Sorry. The mail machine goes Pshwwrrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhh. I don't switch it on every day. And when I do, there's lots of people trying to extend my penis and telling me everything's sold out anyway. So now I switch it on less and less.

3. Big Kate, I am sorry I missed your birthday on December 1st. Happy Birthday.

4. While I'm about that, I'll apologise for everyone else's birthday I miss too. I think there must be lots of them. Sorry. And to Brid & Phil because I have lost the address so can't not send a Christmas card. And to Fran, for not being here whenever you pop round. Which gets me to the next sorry.

5. Because it's December we have a party for lots of people we don't see very often. Some people turn up every year and we are very, very grateful to you. We couldn't hold it last year because we weren't here. We can't hold it this year because Dig's not here. He'll be looking at commas in the Middle East. So I'm sorry. You can't come. Unless you visit independently. And please check beforehand. I'm sorry if we're out.

6. It's December and the children are expecting presents. This is a problem I share with many home educators. How do you shop for presents when these small people are with you all day long? So far I can use the toilet without the rest of the family hanging about. And I can slip to the Co-op and buy beer if I stick in a video, and no-one notices I'm gone. But unless Dig does some serious child distraction pretty soon, come the 25th, I'll be making one Very Big Sorry.